Sunday, March 28, 2010

Peace that surpasses all understanding

All things considering, DH & I are doing pretty well. I will say this at the outset - thank you so much for all of your prayers - God has been so faithful to answer them!

Those first 24 hours were very, very difficult....many tears, many prayers, many questions, and my heart felt like it was breaking. An IVF BFN is definitely a new experience (that I hope to never face again)...so much hope, money, time, and stress combined with many hormones, injections, and procedures lead to a tremendous amount of disappointment.

In the wake of the negative I also faced all of my infertile fears as they came rushing to the surface. Will we ever have children? What if our embryos never make it? What if I will never be pregnant? Even IVF didn't work work for us. The weight of these questions was and is so terribly heavy. As I write them they do not sound that bad, in a way, but I know you ladies understand how incredibly difficult it is to mentally go down that path. I want to experience pregnancy and motherhood SO MUCH, yet typing that sentence does not do that desire justice. It is not something I just "want," like a new sweater or a pleasant day. Nor is it an experience to check off a list of life experiences: go to college (check), travel somewhere amazing (check), find a job you love (check), etc. No -- it is so much more than any of that. It is a desire for an experience that is life changing, profound, and results in a lifetime of growing and learning, and makes your life completely entwined with another person....much like marriage (which is also amazingly profound). I don't know if all of this true about motherhood, but from what I have heard and read from others I don't think I'm too far off base. And when the fulfillment of this longing feels like it may not happen....it is difficult, to say the least.

But, I am amazed at how I have truly experienced the peace of God that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7). Rather suddenly, many of these dark thoughts lifted. The tears that had continuously seeped from my eyes slowed down and my heart felt like hope was returning to it. I know this came from God and I am so very thankful.

On Friday night DH & I went out together. We shared a delicious meal that even included a half glass of wine (could have enjoyed a full glass but couldn't bring myself to pay $7 for one glass of wine! haha) and dessert. We went to the movies and had fun watching Al.ice in Wo.nderland. We held hands all night and simply enjoyed being together.

Saturday we went over to a friend's house for brunch. I was a little apprehensive about going, particularly because I feared a pregnancy announcement from somebody else there. But fortunately there were no pregnancy announcements. In the afternoon we did some intensive spring cleaning that felt really good to complete, split a burrito for an early dinner, and then went on an amazing walk to the beach. We had quite a bit of rain this winter (for us), so the bluffs were stunningly green, the sky bright and blue, and the temperature was the most perfect 75 degrees. We stood at the edge of the bluff looking out at the waves for a nice long time, holding hands or hugging. We are very blessed with the life we have now right before us, and I am thankful that God gifted us with such an amazing weekend to remind me of that when my heart could have been so tempted to miss seeing any of it.

It is also helpful to know we get to try again. I am sure the stakes get higher with each attempt, but I am very thankful God has given us the desire, funding, and open doors to proceed again.

After we hung out with friends on Saturday morning at the brunch - along with 3 small children who were there - DH commented that, for the first time, it was hard to feel like an outsider looking in on other people's families. Before we started TTC - and even in the early days of TTC - we could enjoy seeing and talking about other's pregnancies, children, etc. because in the back of our mind we could say, "I should remember that for when I am pregnant," or, "I wonder if our kids will have that issue, too." But it is harder when you have to be part of all of that discussion and the simple expectation that it WILL happen is gone. However, as were driving away and DH brought this up he said, "We will get pregnant, Hillary. I think God will hear our cries, and we will keep doing IVF until it happens." Now, I don't think this means an unlimited amount of IVFs lay in our future - my husband is seriously conservative with money, so this was a funny thing to have come out of his mouth - but I understood his sentiment behind it. Our journey is not over.

Another bright spot of hope was a personal phone call from my RE on Saturday afternoon. I confess I had already worked up a little bit of anxiety in my mind that when we sat down for our follow up appointment with the RE that he would somehow tell us our embryos were terrible and there was nothing more he could do for us. So it was such a burden lifted from my mind to hear him say he was so sorry the cycle failed, but that he was very hopeful that it will happen for us - it is just a matter of time. Music to my ears, I tell you! Of course, he cannot know for sure nor do we truly know the end result of all of this - only God does - but hearing your doctor who sees hundreds of infertile couples a year say he thinks it will happen is very encouraging. I am so thankful he called, and thankful to have him as my doctor.

All in all, I am feeling hopeful, thankful, and joyful... mixed with moments of sadness. It is strange to write that only a few days after our BFN, but I know it is the work of God in my life. Thank you, again, for all of your prayers!

24 comments:

Betty Rubble said...

Your faith never ceases to amaze me! Keep on loving the Lord and your hubby!

Sunshine said...

Wow.. the way that you describe the desire to have a child is so spot on. Its the exact same way that I feel about it. And it is something that a normal fertile person could never possibly understand. Its a lonely, empty, quiet suffering. In fact, I dont even know if there are words to even explain it.. but I want you to know that I totally get it. I've cried to the point before to where it literally "felt" like my heart was breaking too. =(

Hang in there sister. I'm glad that you get to press on with more cycles, and its REALLY good news that your doc is optimistic about your future cycles as well! Thats great news! I'm thankful that God heard our prayers and gave your heart the peace that we sent from our hearts. =)

I hope you have a good week girl. = )

Gods blessings...

jeanna said...

You are a light in this world and God is using you and your infertility to touch others, thank you for sharing.

Rach said...

Sounds like a very wonderful weekend. Glad you got encouraging news from the RE!

Hannah said...

So glad God is helping you both have peace about all this! I completely understand this desire and will continue to pray for both of us!
HUGS!

Rambler said...

What a fantastic way to spend a beautiful Sunday afternoon together. I'm glad you were able to see the other side of what wil be, what will become. And DH's passion to make this all work, no matter what it takes.

HUGS

Courtney said...

I'm so glad that God is filling your hearts with hope again. This journey isn't easy, but God has great plans for you and your future family.

Mellow said...

You are so right! :) Cling to your wonderfully supportive DH and let it draw you closer together. Your faith is what will get you through. I pray your miracle happens soon.

Al said...

I'm so glad that you're feeling better about the failed cycle and managed to have a fulfilling weekend. You are so strong!

GL at the RE consult this week - and it IS great to hear that the doctor believes you guys will be successful.

Andrea said...

Hang on to that FAITH sweet girl and you can move mountains. For, everything is possible for those who believe.

xo

Missy said...

Wow, even in a dark moment, your faith strengthens mine. I've been out for a while and am just getting the update on your cycle now. I would say I'm sorry, but that does not address how very much I wish the result was different.

AplusB said...

Your strength and spirit amaze me. I can imagine how much you are hurting right now, but so glad that you are hopeful, thankful and joyful. You are such an incredibly strong woman!

Morningglory said...

My RE visit after our failed IVF, he made my tears instantly stop and feel pride when he said, "We know you and your husband CAN make embryo's, and that alone should make you grin from ear to ear!" then we continued with medical talk... but he was right, we DID make embryo's! they just didn't attach, that's no ones fault and that doesn't mean future embryo's won't attach. You have amazing strength, and a faith in the Lord some only wish they had. you your husband and your Lord god have the perfect relationship. keep that strong and never give up hope!

Meg said...

You're such a spiritually mature woman.

Leah said...

Your time with your husband sounds wonderful. I am always amazed at the peace God gives us in trying times. And a BFN after IVF is a trying time. I know. Thinking of you.

Amy said...

Beautiful post. Faith and a supportive hubby makes this all so much more bearable. I'm praying that your dreams come true.

Katie said...

Still thinking of you. . .

stillwaitingformysunshine.wordpress.com said...

I absolutely love the way you put things into words -especially about the experience of being a parent - it is something I pray God blesses us both with - and that he continues to give us the strength to pursue this dream that's in our hearts. Again, I'm so sorry this cycle didn't work - but I am ever hopeful for you!!

21reena

Ashley said...

I am so sorry to hear about your BFN. I just finished my first IVF with a BFN and it was so hard. You will be in prayers!

Kacey said...

Beautiful words! This is just another step in your pathway to becoming a mother. I'm glad you are not letting your faith waiver.
Hebrews 11:11

Elle said...

Oooooh that feeling, I know it. The feeling of knowing that you don't just "want" to be a mom, you need to be a mom, you ARE a mom, you just have to find a way to bring your little one into your life. The way you cannot possibly see yourself growing old without having a child.

Your husband sounds so wonderful and supportive! You two are lucky to have each other.

Erin said...

Sounds like it has been a really rough road these past few days. I am so sorry you are going through this. It is totally understandbale the way you feel being around other young families, don't be so hard on yourselves. Praying for you.

addingtothepack said...

You are in such a rough spot and I am so glad that you are hopeful and have peace with the next steps and another cycle after taking a few months to listen to your hearts and God and choosing this path. :)

A said...

I am so glad that God has blessed you with peace right now!! Will continue to pray that remain hopeful and trustful in God's plan for your family!