Thursday, March 25, 2010

10dp 3dt: Heartbroken

I'm not pregnant. Thank you for all of your prayers and well wishes.

I almost titled this post "no miracle," but that is not true. There were many miracles throughout this cycle, and I am thankful for each one. The miracle of all of the love and support I received, the miracle that I responded nicely to the medications after some up and down monitoring appointments, the miracle that the spotting stopped, the miracle of 4 mature eggs retrieved, and most of all the miracle that we actually had two beautiful and precious embryos. Life that was part me and part my husband was in my body. It was a joy and I am so very thankful for the time that the Lord gave us with our embryos, as strange as that may sound.

There were many miracles, just not the one I was hoping for tonight.

I have my beta test tomorrow to confirm the HPT.

A verse that came to mind as I laid in DH's arms crying tonight:
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:7-9

68 comments:

Rebekah said...

Oh, sweet Hillary, I am heartbroken for you. Your strength is amazing. So, so sorry. Praying for you. Hugs.

The Curtis Family said...

Praying for you.

addingtothepack said...

I am so sorry. Take care of yourself and your DH.

Adrianne Ashley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Sending lots of prayers your way.

Barb said...

I'm so sorry sweetie. Your post brought me to tears. Your strength is so admirable; to be able to see all the positives in this. You are in my thought and prayers.((HUGS))

Rambler said...

You both are amazing people with so much spirit and heart. I'm sorry both are hurting so much tonight. I so wished for a different post.

I'm praying for you and hope you are taking care of each other.

evsmarie said...

My prayers are with you and your husband tonight. I am so sorry that this isn't a night of joy.

Jenifer Hope said...

Hillary,
I am devastated for you. No words ever make this better. Praying for you sweetheart!

Stefanie Blakely said...

I am so so sorry Hillary. Thinking of you...

Good Naija Girl said...

My friend is TTC and I have been trying to be there for her. She sent me the link to your blog 2.5 hours ago and since she lives in Nigeria, she had to go to bed as it was nearly 1am at that time. She tried to wait up for an update from you and was hoping and praying that you would have good news to share.

I share this to let you know that people all around the world care about you. I found your blog hours ago and I am very sorry that you did not get the miracle you wanted, but I admire you for your faith, and your ability to share and minister to us.

Much love to you.

Stuart and Sarah Creamer said...

So sorry! Thinking about you and know that you are not alone!

Melis.sa said...

((HUGS))

I'm sorry Hillary.

I love the verse at the end of your post. You're always so good at seeing the positive side of the situation.

Jessica said...

I'm so sorry honey. Praying for you and your hubby...

Lindsay Payne said...

Thinking of you.

Sunshine said...

I just said a prayer for you. I have been where you are soooo many times. Usually my hope returns after a few days.. I hope that its the same for you!

LOVED that verse by the way! I'll have to write that one down!

Thank you for being such a great example of a true Christian. You witness to my heart with every post you write and I thank you for that.

God's blessings...

Mellow said...

Oh Hillary, I'm so so sorry. I will be praying for you.

Krystal said...

I'm so very sorry. You and your sweet husband will be in my prayers.

kdactyl said...

Oh Hillary, my heart is broken with you. I'm so sorry. I know how this feels. Your faith is so strong, I know it will carry you through. I am praying for you and your DH.

kd

Adam and Julia said...

oh no....I am so sorry. words cannot express how sorry i am for you and your husband. I am glad you can find a silver lining, but I know it is so difficult. my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Melissa G said...

honey, I am so, so sorrry.

Pregnant Yuppy said...

I'm so sorry *Hugs*

Ami said...

Take this time to grieve...those of us who've walked in those shoes know that pain all too well. You deserve to be sad. But Hillary, remember this- women arrive at motherhood a million different ways. I hope that you will continue to be positive and hopeful. Your time will come. The one thing I learned in over 4 years of trying was that through the greatest pain of my life came the greatest blessings of my life. The ending was never in my hands and it took me a while to accept this. God knew far better than I ever did... I admire your strength and positive spirit. Though my heart genuinely hurts for you tonight, I know the end of your story has yet to be written...but when it does, it's gonna be a good one! Take care of each other.

Sincerely,
Ami

Waiting said...

I am so sorry hun, I am praying for you! You faith is very encouraging to me!

Lindsey H said...

I'm so sorry, Hillary. Thinking of you and praying for you tonight.

Life Happens said...

I was waiting and praying all day for you. I'm so sorry. Your positive attitude and faith are such an inspiration.

I will continue to pray for you both to get through this time.

ShanPando said...

I'm so sorry, even though words aren't enough. I experienced my first BFP only to have a MC 48 hours later. I can totally feel your pain of having your embryo's with you and them changing your life in just that little amount of time. I pray comfort for you and your husband and a miracle soon.

sara said...

oh friend...I am so, so sad. I will continue to pray that you hold onto the truths that you quoted..hard pressed but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. Never destroyed! Also praying for strength to get through the appt in the am. Praising God for all the miracles you recalled over the past couple of weeks. And for the two precious embryos you inside!

Caroline said...

Oh Hillary - I am so sad that you are going through this pain. Please know that you are not alone.
Many of us know the heartbreak of a negative IVF cycle. It really hurts.
Look after yourself and don't be afraid to spoil yourself a little.
x

julie said...

Im so sorry Hillary. I can imagine how painful this must be. I hope you continue to find strength in faith, family and friends.

A said...

Oh my, my heart is broken for you. Please let us know how we can pray, if there is anything specific that you need. Praising God with you for the miracles of this past cycle. Trusting Him with you that He will carry you through this grief (hug)

wait, what? said...

I'm so sorry

MK said...

So so sorry. :(

twondra said...

I'm so sorry sweetie. I'm thinking of you. (((HUGS)))

gringa78 said...

I know those feelings all too well...I'm so sorry you're going through this...it's so unfair and I just don't understand why these things have to happen. I will always, always stay hopeful for you no matter what.

Betty Rubble said...

Oh sweetie...I'm so sorry.

Hugs to you and hubby.

Aussie Girl said...

I am so so sorry. Cling to God and your DH. I have spoken a prayer for you.

andreajennine said...

Oh, Hillary, I'm so sorry. Yours is the one blog I've sought to keep up with during our last crazy two weeks, and I've been praying for you (though I haven't commented). I will keep praying for you.

Sarah said...

It hurt to read this. I am so so sorry :( But you are right about all the little miracles that happened along the way :) Take care of yourself...

Amber said...

I was obviously hoping to hear different news. I'm so sorry to hear about your heartbreak and hope that God heals you quickly.

Leah said...

Sorry. :-(

Al said...

I'm so sorry :-(

Secret Sloper said...

I'm so sorry. You have a strong and beautiful heart. I'm sure God has something even more wonderful than you can imagine in store for you.

Miriam said...

I am so so sorry to hear this news- I was really rooting for you from the sidelines! Sending you a hug and prayers.

Courtney said...

I'm so sorry, Hillary. I'm praying for you and your husband.

Rach said...

Aw, I am so sorry. I dont really have the words. I'm just crushed for you, tearing up while reading your post at work. I'm praying for you and your husband. Please stay strong and positive.

jones said...

thinking of you and your husband and so very sorry for your disappointment.

Andrea said...

I'm in tears reading your post, as my heart hurts for what you are feeling. I suppose only those who walk this path understand this kind of heart break. We share in your disappointment, but also FAITHFUL in your future, as GOD is faithful and so are you.

Your ability to find the silver lining despite your immense hurt is through your faith in GOD. Know that you are not alone. My sweet blogger friend at Baby On Mind suffered the same disappointment just 3 days ago. So, my heart is heavy for the two of you.

Continue to hold on to HOPE and "await your MIRACLE", as it will be granted.

Everything is possible for those who believe.

Much Love, Many Prayers and Never let go of Your Dreams.

Andrea
xoxo

jeanna said...

Oh sweet lady, my heart breaks for you and your husband. Sometimes God's plan is so hard to see. I will continue to keep you in my prayers. I really wanting this for yall, and just didn't see this as the outcome. I wish there were words I could say that would help. Love,
Jeanna

Nichole said...

Hillary - I am so sorry. What a beautiful verse! Thank you for sharing.

Amy said...

I'm so sorry. I'm praying for you and hope you find peace.

Rachel DeBell said...

Hillary,
I read your post late last night, and just haven't known how to respond. I think your verse pretty much sums up any encouragement anyone could offer. Please know that we are all spending time in prayer specifically for you and DH.

ABLynch said...

I am so sorry! I remember to clearly that pain. There is nothing like it. I will continue to pray for you and your family. Please do not give up hope!

WantWait&Pray said...

Hillary, I remember that pain and I am SO sorry. I can only encourage you to take the time to mourn, cry and feel the feelings of a loss. God will pull you through, dry your tears and prepare you for your next steps..but He knows your heart is breaking right now for what could have been. I am genuinely sorry.

By Grace said...

I like that...we are pressed down but not destroyed! persecuted, not abandoned!
I've been there, i know how painful it can be after carrying the embryos and not getting a positive, but you're right, making them itself is something worth thanking God for.
I pray the Holy Spirit will comfort you and God give you the grace to forge ahead...
And i pray that very soon, the dream will come true!
Big hugs!

Kate said...

I am so so sorry. Thinking of you and your DH.

Tabitha said...

I know how it feels, and I know how much it hurts. I'm praying for you (((HUGS)))

Dea.nna said...

I'm so sorry Hillary! My heart really does ache for you. I admire your positive attitude and faith. You are so right. Even in the midst of our own disappointment, there are great miracles we've been blessed with (even though they're not the miracles we had hoped for.) I'll be keeping you two in my prayers. {HUGS}

Anonymous said...

Just a lurker here but I was really pulling for you guys. I'm sorry! Sending lots of prayers.

Mrs. Hoppy said...

I'm so sorry - my T&P are with you and your DH during this time. ((hugs))

Basic Girl said...

I am so so sorry...=(

Mrs. Hammer said...

My heart breaks with you. God comforted me with this same verse when our first IVF failed as well. Lean into Him and let Him bring you and your DH comfort

Jessica said...

My heart is breaking for you!! ((HUGS))

Mrz. Hannah Myhre said...

I'm so sorry, truly.Praying for you both during this time.

hugs,
Hannah

Kacey said...

I am so so so sorry to read this. Let yourself grieve over the next few days. Brighter days are to come. God's promise never fails!
Praying for you girl.

Hannah said...

Ohhhh, I just finally read this. I am so, so sorry Hillary!! I'll be praying for you.
HUGS!

cowgirltn said...

I am sorry.

Shazz said...

I just wanted to let you knw how sorry I am and sending lots of hugs.