Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Seeking confirmation

As I pray for clarity in this decision making process, I confess I do not feel settled at all about the idea of stopping treatments. And, honestly, I don't know what to make of that.

After I thought God may have spoken to me and told me treatments wouldn't work, I think I assumed that after a few days or weeks of mourning I would begin to feel some peace coupled with excitement/ hope for another path. But I don't.

Does the fact that I still so greatly desire to have biological children and continue treatments show that I do not have confirmation that what I heard was God? I know that God can give us desires and change our desires...but how important are those desires as we make this decision? (These are all completely rhetorical questions that I don't expect you to answer, but I'm just letting you in a little to the mess of thoughts that are in my head).

My MIL told me this week about a time that she very clearly thought God was speaking to her. She was pregnant with my DH, who was her third child and a joyful surprise. She said that during that pregnancy she thought God told her that the baby would have D.own's Sy.ndrome. She said she saw so many signs and felt like God was preparing her to parent a special needs baby. Of course, she was very surprised when her son was born and he did not have D.own's.

She told me this story to give me another perspective on my experience, and I have been thinking about it. I do absolutely believe God can speak to us. And I absolutely believe he could tell us something difficult, surprising, etc. But it was helpful to hear her story and be reminded that it could be our own voice speaking, so we need to continue to seek God and wait for confirmation and guidance to be assured whether or not it is him or us speaking.

This month off has been so good to get my bearings and wait on the Lord. He will lead us.


Mellow said...

Maybe what God was trying to tell you is that without Him...there would be no possibility of the treatments working. I hope that makes sense... keep seeking and praying and keeping Him in it! :) It took me 6 months of taking time off to finally decide we should go ahead with IVF, and I am so thankful I had that time. I believe I told you about a book I read called Supernatural Childbirth, there is a chapter in it specifically dedicated to conception. It is the one thing I held on to while we waited 10 years to get pregnant with this baby. Anyway, if you don't want to buy the book, I would be more than happy to send you some of the verses that are referenced for that specific thing. Wow, long response, my apologies for that. My heart just hurts for you, and I want to help in anyway I can.

Andrea said...

You find yourself at a crossroads in this process and I don't think anyone can tell you what decision to make. However, I fully believe God supports the true desires of our hearts. Like you, I know more than anything that I want to experience carrying a child, one we've created, whether ourselves or with assistance. I fully believe the Lord guides the hands and minds of those doing his work.

Listen to your HEART...


Anonymous said...

God also gives us free will...and it is very much your will that you want to have a biological child. That doesn't mean that you haven't heard the Lord, nor does it mean that you are not heeding his words. It simply means that you are human.

What ever the choice you make you will eventually find peace with your decision.


Melody said...

Cheering you on my friend! I know God will reveal to you what is next. He will give us the desires of our hearts and he will change our desires if need be. I believe he is the one who birthed the desire inside of you to even want a child to begin with. And I feel that he will either take that desire away from you if it's not his perfect will for you to have a child or he is waiting for divine purposes to bring your child to you in the way he planned from the very beginning. Keep on hoping, praying and seeking the heart of God.

addingtothepack said...

I am guessing that God is more than OK with you taking some time to listen and reflect. Whatever the path, I hope that in time you find clarity on your path to adding to your family.

Michelle said...

Hey Girl! I totally know what you mean and exactly what you're feeling. I was there. The only advice I can tell you is I felt the same way you did. I WANTED a biological child and there were no if ands or buts about it. We were meeting with our counselor put it best when he said "what do you want more...to be pregnant or to be a mom?" That hit me but it didn't heal until I heard from God and a little while later became calm about it and felt a peace about it. I know every situation is different, but I do know God will give you a calming feeling when it's His will.

I'm praying for you to have some clarity in your decision. I'm right there with you! Thinking of you!!

Adam and Julia said...

I believe that taking time off is not only necessary but healing as well. We went through lap surgery for fibroids, cysts, endo, a d and c, and found a blocked left tube. We did 7 IUI's all on Clomid...up to 150 mg. HCG triggers on the last two. We took four months. We are just now scheduling the initial consult for IVF. We had to get back to us and realize what we really wanted in life. I know that with prayer and faith, God will answer our prayers and HIs plan for us. But, He also wants us to try for ourselves and make our own choices. That is why He gave us doctors and smiling nurses and genius minds that help out people like you and me. God will answer your prayers. Just take the time you need.

AplusB said...

I'm glad this month off has been good to you and I hope much more peace to come.
I'm so glad your MIL shared that story with you. I hope you find more clarity as you progress through this break time.

Leah said...

I also believe God can speak to us in many different ways. And I also believe our own paranoia and fear can speak to us. So, the question is, how to we distinguish the voice? How do we know if it's God, or our own fear breaking through?

I think it's important to make decisions that will leave you with no second guessing for the rest of your life. For me, that was doing IVF. I was too scared NOT to try it, and wonder for the rest of my life if it would have worked. Only after it failed, was I at peace and ready to move on. To me, it seems like you aren't quite ready to move on yet, which to me, means you have a treatment or two left in you.

Thinking and praying for you Hillary as you make these very difficult decisions.

Hannah said...

Your MIL's story is comforting! Praying for direction and peace. ((Hugs))

Hope Endures said...

It took me a year and a half to make the final decision regarding IVF. I prayed and prayed; sometimes I would charge in and start making appointments, and then I would get cold feet and back out. I was so confused as to where God was truly leading us, and whether I was hearing HIS voice or just my own. I was seeing a Christian counselor during this time, and she said some things that stuck with me. First, she said that if God was directing us to move forward with IVF, that there would be a day when I felt an urgency - to do it NOW. And that's pretty much how it happened - a year and a half of praying and being confused and standing still, and then a whirlwind of doors opening and a sense of "now" and peace about it.

The other thing the counselor said was that if we did IVF and didn't get pregnant, that it didn't mean we didn't hear from God in the first place. That stuck with me, too. His ways are higher than ours and I believe sometimes He has greater blessings in store for us than the ones we're pursuing. We just don't see all the pieces.

This is just my story - and yours may be different. But I am praying that God will give you clear direction, and that He will lead you with His peace. Keep seeking Him!! He loves you so much, and He has great things planned for you. He will show you the plan He has for you, in His timing.

RachieD said...

It all depends how you take what you heard. God may have told you treatments won't work and you have to keep seeking a clearer answer as to what will. It doesn't mean you have to abandon hope. Maybe he knows of something you or He can do differently to get you a natural pregnancy and that is what you need to meditate on and ask to be cleared up.

Melissa G said...

I'm so glad to hear that this month is starting off so well. You definitely deserve that.

I think it's really important that you admitted to yourself that you're not quite ready to give up treatments- whatever they may be. Take as much time as you need.


Al said...

I'm so glad that this month off has given you the time you need to work through all of these questions. And if at the end you need more time, take more. I hope that soon you will figure out what the right next steps are for you and your husband to build your family. Hugs!

Kelli said...

Glad to hear that you were able to regain focus this month knowing that God is in control of your situation. He knows your heart, he has given you these desires, and he loves you! xo