Monday, February 1, 2010

Emotional Sundays

I have discovered over the last few weeks that the most emotional day of the week for me is Sunday. I think one obvious reason is that during the week I have my "regular life" to distract me - work, commitments, and general busyness that doesn't leave much time to sit and think. However, the weekends are much more open ended.

But an even bigger reason is that it's church day, and the emotions that come out while at church are so widely varied. Many times I have sweet tears of joy at the reminders of the tremendous hope I have through my salvation that transcends my current struggle. Church is an amazing time to refocus my heart on what is most important, to rejoice, and to hear God's word that is a balm to my soul.

Along with these sweet emotions are the painful ones that just come with living life with people...especially fertile people. A lot of fertile people.

Last night, our pastor came up to me after the service and said he was continuing to pray for us. A piece of background info is that my DH had emailed him a couple weeks ago to say that we were "leaning against IVF at the moment, but continue to pray for us as we seek clarity." (And, by the way, I was a little upset that DH even emailed him at all - it made it seem like we were closer to a decision than we actually were). Anyway, the pastor asked me how I've been doing since we "made the decision." I got incredibly flustered. I knew it was just a miscommunication, but the thought that he thought we were for sure not doing IVF made it feel real. Like suddenly the decision was made (which I know is not true, but I freaked out). I made the ugly cry face that happens when you try to hold back tears (oh, lovely) and told him I couldn't talk about it right now, but it's a struggle. I didn't clear up the misunderstanding - I just couldn't in that moment.

I grabbed DH's arm as he was finishing a conversation and tugged on it, indicating that I was ready to leave. I felt like I was about to burst into tears and needed to go home. We started to head out and were followed by two sweet friends of ours. It seemed like we were just leaving at the same time, so we walked out to the parking lot together and made small talk about our weekends. As we get to our car, they paused.

"We wanted to walk out with you to give you our news in private so that we could be sensitive to you. We're pregnant. We wanted to tell you first before you heard from anyone else, and we've only told our immediate families so far."

I stood there rather stunned - I knew they had been trying a few months, but she had confided in me that she was scared it would take a long time, had really irregular cycles, etc.

Through tears I choked out, "I really am happy for you. I'm so glad it wasn't as difficult as you were expecting. I'm happy for you and am just crying because you guys are so sweet and caring."

I was so embarrassed to be crying, and felt like I was robbing them of some of their own joy at their sweet miracle. The wife said she had been crying off and on all day at the thought of telling us, and cried when I cried. I know this is their own loving, empathetic natures and not because of anything we have ever said or did, but it is still hard. I want people to be understanding and compassionate about our infertility, but when they are I feel guilty. I want them to be over the moon happy with their pregnancy - not crying because of us.

21 comments:

Leah said...

My heart breaks for you. What a difficult day. :-(

Church was always difficult to me too. I always feel so exposed at church, if that makes sense. It was amazing how I could relate everything in the sermon to my experience with infertility. I would sit and just cry, and hope no one would notice.

Thinking and praying for you Hillary.

Betty Rubble said...

*Hugs*

Melissa G said...

Oh Hillary. When it rains it pours... I wish I could give you a big squishy hug right now. I hate that things have been so difficult for you lately. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you.

addingtothepack said...

I am sorry you had such a hard day. I am also very self-conscious about IF. I appreciate support and yet also get uncomfortable when people actually practice empathy like your sweet friends and the way they handled sharing their news with you. When I have an off day it's a no-win for my poor friends. *hugs*

julie said...

Im so sorry. That sounds like an awful day. Don't feel bad for being sad though by their news. Your pain is just as real as their happiness.
I hope today was a better day. I know you'll find your answers soon..

andreajennine said...

Ugh. Sundays and pregnancy announcements - always such a mix of challenging emotions, like you say. I always wondered why singing truth about God brought the most tears for me, and I think it was because so often they were truths I doubted but wanted to believe.

Rambler said...

At the end of it all, it's hard to separate your genuine excitement for someone's pregnancy and your own pain. I'm glad they told you on the way to the car and not in front of others. Although not the best timing after the pastor's comment.

Hang on. HUGS.

Dea.nna said...

I can totally sympathize. This is so rough. Hang in there girlie, I'll be praying for you.

Dea.nna said...

Oh, and I also feel like Sundays after church are exceptionally difficult. I am often forced to feel what I'm feeling when I'm in God's house. I can't help but be raw in His presence. I know its a good thing but it can certainly be exhausting.

SecretSisterhood said...

Guilt is a terrible thing. It tends to find you wherever you are. I'm pregnant after 2 years of IF and recently my DH told a couple from church who's waiting to adopt a baby (after many long years). My heart aches for them and I feel guilty just looking at them... like why am I able to experience this miracle, but they aren't? And this is after 2 years of longing for a baby myself. So the moral: don't feel guilty. What you feel is real. And those who are compassionate and sensitive to your situation will not feel robbed of their joy. There's plenty of joy to be had.

Melis.sa said...

((HUGS))

It sounds like your friends are very considerate people and I'm sure they knew how hard it must be for you to hear. Doesn't it seem like IF gets more and more difficult...not less and less...ugh...

((HUGS))

Life Happens said...

Sundays can be hard when you're surrounded by pregnant people and babies all around. But then again, I have to remind myself that church is where I feel God's spirit the most (besides the temple for me).

I'm sure it was hard for your friend to share her news because she cares about what you are going through.

Hang in there! I continue to pray for you guys. I know it's hard right now.

Hannah said...

Hugs from me too! I've been praying for you and will continue to!

iwillbeamom.blogspot.com

The Wife said...

(((Hugs)))
I'm sorry you had such a rough day. I hope peace come soon and I'll keep praying for you and your DH.

Rach said...

Oh, that would be so hard. Especially right after a miscommunication with the pastor. I'm so sorry. You are in my thoughts.

Secret Sloper said...

What a hard day. I'm so sorry you have to carry all that. I find Sundays at church really difficult, too--all the little ones coming back to their parents after the liturgy, the sermons about the blessings of children. Sometimes I just can't take it and I don't go. I have to trust that God loves me in spite of my ocassional weakness.

A said...

Church is by far the hardest place to walk around infertile. To the point that I have to remind myself that I go there to worship God, first and foremost, not to compare myself with everyone else there. I am so sorry that you had to field a pregnancy announcement I praise God that they are such sensitive and caring friends of yours, and I know the feeling of being "happy for them but sad for me"... will be praying that God heals your heart very soon

Kacy said...

Hillary, I know exactly how you feel its like being caught in the middle with no ropes to go anywhere. I actually had a similar situation recently and just blogged about it myself. It happened opposite of the way you were approached but it is clear that both approaches are equally difficult. Keeping you in my thoughts.

www.infertilityinstability.blogspot.com

Kelli said...

I completely relate to the mixed emotions that come with this journey - one minute I am completely content with the path we are on, knowing that God has a plan and the next minute I am bitter and crying out, "WHY US?" You are such a strong, sweet woman and God has used your blog to give me strength when I thought I didn't have any more.
Keep hanging in there. Love you.

Hilary said...

So sorry. This JUST happened to me. I understand how you feel, and also wish it didn't have to be like that. Good thing God is our healer!

Missy said...

My heart is breaking for you. I hope you can find the clarity and peace you seek soon. Perhaps you can find peace in knowing that God put a couple in your life that is so thoughtful of how their news would affect you.