Sunday, February 21, 2010

Choosing faith against cynicism

This morning I work up to some mild br.east tenderness and suddenly remembered that I am in a two week wait. Nine days past ovulation, to be exact. It is easy to forget details like this on a non-treatment cycle. Then I thought:

Ah, who cares how many days past ovulation I am. I'm not pregnant.

How could I be pregnant after 26 {negative} attempts already?

We're about to start IVF. People who need to do IVF can't get pregnant without medical assistance.

I felt the cynicism creeping into my heart. The part of me that wants to laugh - ha!- at the thought of getting pregnant, and scoff at anyone who could imply that I could possibly get pregnant.

BUT - how can I laugh, scoff, and deny the powerful God I serve?? Because he certainly and easily could open my womb any given month with or without an RE. The God I serve is the author and creator of life, and I want to continue laying my request before him that he would, indeed, create a life within me!

I want to have faith that I could be pregnant. I want to hope in my good God, and not let my dark thoughts steal this hope from my heart. I want the simple fact that God could perform this miracle to make me marvel at who he is....whether or not he chooses to do so. This is my prayer today.

25 comments:

Betty Rubble said...

I just happened to notice your calendar...you will find out you are pregnant the exact same day I did with Bam-Bam :)

Though I'm hopeful that the Lord has heard and answered your pray this month!!!

Silya said...

Great post. I too struggle with cynicism, and find the "faith and love" part of being a Christian much easier than the hope part. This is such a good reminder.

Meg said...

Sweet post!

The Swann's said...

Unfortunately, I too know all too well this feeling of not putting faith in God and thinking that why would it happen on a non treatment cycle if I didn't have on every other medicated or heck, non medicated cycle previously!?

Praying for you...

And I gave you a blog award too to maybe brighten your day for a bit. :-)

Hannah said...

OH, my prayer for you has been that this break might be the time! I'm getting excited! :) But I totally understand having to choose to trust and hope no matter if it's this cycle or another one yet to come. HUGS!

iwillbeamom.blogspot.com

Jami said...

If this was facebook I would “like” this post. It is so easy to be cynical in this situation. (it’s 20 negative attempts for me) But there is a greater purpose for our struggle. I hope God blesses your socks off!

MK said...

I had the same cynicism the month I got a BFP. That same cynicism is starting to creep up again and I too try to remind myself that it doesn't matter what I think - God is control! He will either bless us with children or he won't.
Good luck!

Just Believing said...

Good for you choosing Faith!!! God is great and mighty!

And the best part you said it right whether or not he chooses to do so!

He has BIG PLANS for you rather now or later and you have a wonderful trust in him and it is so beautiful to read!!!

Heather said...

Psalm 113:9 (MSG) "He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the Lord!"
Keep believing-He can do it and your child will be a testimony of what God can do. How wonderful!

Leah said...

Good for you for choosing faith! It's not always the easy choice, but I think it's the most fulfilling choice.

My husband and I were pushed towards IVF. We were told it was the only way. Then we had two disaster IVFs, and I slowly got to a place of peace that we were never going to have biological children. And months later, here I am pregnant, the ole natural way. Someone who was told IVF was the only way, conceived. I guess my point is is that it does happen. We are so not in control, and it's wonderful to realize that.

Thinking of you Hillary.

Kate said...

Thank you for this beautiful post!

kdactyl said...

Oh Hillary....I commend you for choosing faith...because no matter what the outcome over the next several days...Faith really is the best choice! But...with that being said....I am praying, praying, praying that this is your miracle!

kd

Amber said...

I'm praying that this "break" was just what you needed! Sometimes life does crazy things...

Melody said...

Wow, what a great mental/spiritual place to be in. You always encourage me in my faith. You have an incredible way of continuing to lean into God. I love this about your faith.

Melis.sa said...

You're awesome Hillary, seriously.

strongblonde said...

totally get you on this...sometimes its hard to have faith.

xx

Hillary said...

Just found your blog, and from one infertile Hillary filled with faith to another, I love it!!! Good luck with the break and the next few months ahead. I'll be reading!!!

Jennifer said...

Great post! Faith is better than any alternative!

Andrea said...

Never lose sight of HOPE & FAITH :)

Matthew 9:29 It shall be done to you according to your FAITH.

HUGS & keep the faith.

xo

sara said...

Being hopeful with you today!! Praying God would replace the cynicism with abounding faith!

Baby Wanted said...

I'm with you...I'm choosing Faith as well!

Tabitha said...

Amen! =)

Hannah said...

Hey Hillary, your blog has been such an encouragement to me that I put you on my list of blogs for the Happy 101 award (on today's post). Thanks again for telling your story and talking through so many of the feelings and questions that I've been struggling with myself. Hugs!

Anonymous said...

wow, that would be fantastic!

-21reena

Indy said...

Amen!