Friday, January 8, 2010

Waiting to test

Thank you so much for your amazing support and encouragement yesterday. As each comment popped into my email throughout the day I felt like I got a virtual hug from a friend. They were touching and made me cry...each of you has experienced so much in your own journey, and I thank you for sharing your experiences and advice with me.

I am feeling stabilized but fragile. By yesterday afternoon I could function without crying - praise the Lord. :) However, I do feel like anything could set me off, so I'm moving along carefully. We are continuing to pray, and I am attempting to trust God that he will guide us clearly. I don't know HOW he will make it clear, but I trust that he will.

I am nervous about testing. A negative HPT is pretty much at the top of my list of "things that could set me off on another cry fest", and like I said at 10dpo, I have no symptoms to indicate that I am pregnant. But it's much easier to be here in the probably-not-but-maybe point of the cycle than to face that single line. Especially since our future trying to conceive efforts are so up in the air.

Today is 13 days past ovulation, but I am definitely not testing today. We are going to a funeral this afternoon, and although the person who passed away was not somebody I was personally close to, I'm sure you can imagine how an already emotionally fragile person could meltdown at a funeral. In the evening we are going to a belated holiday party for one of the {small} companies I work for....and one of my coworker's wives is 6 months pregnant. You can guess what will be the small talk amongst the ladies. So yes, testing today is most certainly out.

Saturday will be 14 days past ovulation. I am more open to testing on this day but it is also a little tricky. We will be at a youth ministry meeting from 9-12 in the morning, and then leaving straight from there to drive an hour and half to see one of DH's high school friends who is visiting (and will probably end up seeing a group of his high school friends). Not much room there to cry, but maybe that's a good thing?!

******

This week is blog delurking week. If you're out there reading and have never commented before, I would love to "meet" you! Maybe you could let me know where you're at in your infertility journey...or if you're an infertile veteran...or that you're interested in reading this little infertility blog just because. Feel free to delurk and wave hello - I was a lurker for a long time, too, so I totally understand where you are coming from.

Actually, I have a confession: I lurked/ read two infertility blogs for about a year before we even started trying to conceive. I seriously don't really know why (and I know that sounds so crazy!) - was it prophetic?! Ha! But it was fascinating to me. And if you have yet to start trying to conceive, don't think that just because you are reading this that you, too, will be an infertile. The odds are clearly in your favor. :)

39 comments:

Melissa G said...

Wow, I was seriously about to email you to ask how you were doing, and when you might test. But I decided to pop in to see if you had posted about it already. =)

Anyhoo, you know that I have everything possible crossed for you, and am hoping SO much that your prayers will be answered very soon. Whether that means a positive HPT, or finding peace in your next plan of action. (Although we both know it's really the first one I'm rooting for.)

Thinking of you.

Iris said...

hello, first time to leave comment to ur blog, nice to meet u. I wish u good luck tmr and hope ur dream come true.
Iris from belgium

Rach said...

Is testing at 15DPO an option? This way you will be able to enjoy the events on Saturday.

I really really hope you are. That would just be the biggest blessing ever. Then no more thinking about IVF.

Praying.

Leah said...

Thinking of you.

suchagoodegg said...

Hello! If you can wait until 15dpo, that might avoid the emotionally charged days you have coming up.

So, delurking. :) I have been stopping by here and there recently as my IF blog reading list expands. :) Where am I? Just finished up 100mg Clomid + Ovidrel with no dice and am waiting to see what the next step is...Clomid really thinned my lining, but I had a strong ovulation. We'll see!

courtney said...

Well I guess I'll "come out of the closet" too!! Lol.. Considering that your blog is saved in my favorites file and has been for about a month! =)

My DH and I have been TTC for over 2 years. We went through 5 IUI's in 2009. We got pg on our 2nd IUI.. but that ended in a m/c at 6 weeks. So, we are looking ahead to doing IVF (if we can scrounge up the money!). As a fellow follower of Christ.. I COMPLETELY understand your dilema! In fact, I've posted about "un-used embryos" on other message boards many times..looking for opinions and answers. But, I have come to the conclusion that ONLY GOD can give me the ultimate answer on what is right or wrong in that situation!

And I know that's how you feel as well! So, I hope that you find comfort and peace in your prayers. God will unveil what He wants you to do.. just keep praying and trusting! Good luck with your testing in the next day or so... hopefully IVF wont even be an OPTION come Sunday!! =)

God Bless

Just Us... said...

"We are continuing to pray, and I am attempting to trust God that he will guide us clearly. I don't know HOW he will make it clear, but I trust that he will."

Truer words have NEVER been spoken!

Test Sunday when you are LATE! See...that way the test will be nice and dark. Seriously, when we were pregnant I was CERTAIN AF was coming. I was so pathetic I actually wore white pants to INDUCE her arrival. Oh gosh. LOL.

As for reading blogs you "shouldn't" that isn't pathetic. It's human nature.

Hugs to you!!!

Anonymous said...

Guess I will delurk! :-) Only been reading for about 3 months. Can only imagine the grief and emotional rollercoster of infertility. I know that you have experienced God's grace and love in a way I never will. And I guess that's what keeps me reading - to see a small glimpse of God working in your life. Competely confident that He will bless you and reward you in ways that we could never imagine.

AplusB said...

I'd say wait until 15 dpo if you can. My opinion is that ignorance is bliss in these circumstances. Hang in there, just a few more days!
And, to answer your question, my luteal phase was 12 days. Not great, I know. Clomid certainly helped...previously it was 7-9 days which pretty much makes pregnancy impossible.
Good luck with waiting/testing. Hope to hear good news from you soon!

Hope said...

Hi...Hope here! Once an infertile with PCOS. I feel what you are going through when reading your blog and my heart goes out to you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Hillary
I've been following your blog for awhile, and I wanted to comment on your post from yesterday (but didn't have time when I read your post), and now today you encourage "delurking" :)

Keep on trusting God - cling to the fact that He is sovereign. My husband and I are also dealing with infertility - I know the hurt. There are some days where the knowledge that God is in control and that He loves me is all that kept me going. Feel free to email me at miraclesofgrace@gmail.com if you want to know more of our story (we did a number of IUI's but no IVF).
Karen
P.S. My doctor said that my period wasn't likely to come while taking progesterone so, for what that's worth, you could wait until 15dpo to test.

Elisabeth said...

Hello!

My name is Elisabeth, and I am an infertility / repeated pregnancy loss "veteran". You can read a little bit about me and my experiences in my blog: drhousewife.blogspot.com . I am completing a PhD in Counseling Psychology, and my dissertation is focused upon the impact of infertility on marriage. I believe strongly that there is a need for better support services for men and women who are undergoing IF diagnosis and treatment, and my hope is that this study will aid in the development of such services.

I am contacting you after stumbling across your blog. I am recruiting participants for my study, and wanted to invite you and your husband to take part. All that would be involved would be the completion of an online survey, that would take approximately 20 minutes. All couples who complete the surveys will receive a voucher good for a pair of free movie tickets at a Regal Cinemas.

Please let me know if you are interested by emailing me at UTInfertilityResearch@gmail.com .

Best,
Elisabeth

The Curtis Family said...

Well I confess, I'm a lurker. In fact, your blog was THE blog that got me into lurking. I started reading after I had a miscarriage in Jan '08 and we discovered I have a 2 blood clotting disorders that were likely the cause. I have a DD and there were no complications with that pregnancy, so the diagnosis came as a shock. I think the way I found you, was looking up spotting, oddly enough. After my m/c I began irregular spotting every cycle. It began causing horrible anxiety, because it had never happened before. My DH and I decided to visit with an RE to figure out what could be the cause (the obgyns were not concerned). Before diagnostics began, I had another very early m/c. My understanding about that one is that blood clotting would not cause an m/c that early. We were finally able to get to the bottom of the spotting though. I had a hysterscopy a month and 1/2 ago, where he removed a fibroid and a hand full of polyps. This is the first month in a year I have been spot free!!!! Anyway, my RE does not believe I have a fertility issue; however, with the complication of the blood clotting disorder, he feels that IVF would be the safest and most efficient way to get pregnant again. For me that is a huge step, especially with having no problems with my first pregnancy. My husband and I can start trying again this month, so we've decided to try on our own a few months and then if I do not get pregnant investigate IVF further. It is a big decision I know, and I too believe that it should be handled with the upmost respect and care. It sounds to me like you and your DH are doing just that.
Hillary, I'm in awe of your grace and faith, and that's what keeps me coming back again and again! We serve an amazing God! A God that can do immeasurably more than we can think or even imagine! He has big things for you, and I can not wait to see the story unfold!
Blessings,
Katy

Summer {Bisfor...} said...

thinking of you and hoping for the best.

margohale said...

I'll come out of lurking! I came across your blog just a month or so ago. My husband and I have been TTC for almost 2 years. We have both male and female factor infertility issues. Though we recently learned I have high FSH, an indicator of premature ovarian failure (not what I expected at 27!). We have an appointment with an RE in a week and a half. We'll see if there are any options for us.

As a fellow Believer I was drawn to your openness and faith. I think the first day I came across your blog you had some spiritual thoughts and scripture. It was such a blessing to me and really encouraged me as I was feeling really down about our infertility. I totally understand being on the edge of a breakdown at all times. I think I've pretty much been there for the past couple months! Though some days are much better than others. There is just so much to process.

Sorry this introduction got really long! I'll keep reading and keep praying for you.
Margo

Momma Z said...

I'm at my 2ww for IUI #4 for baby #2, we were blessed after IUI#3 last time. I'm hoping you have great news. I can't test since I trigger with HCG and can show a positive test up to the day AF shows up. Hubby birthday is Wed., beta is Friday and SIL baby shower is Sunday. Lets hope for good news for both of us.

Andrea said...

Sending you prayers and strength tonight as you go to the party. It's always incredibly difficult to see those bumps and listen to all the baby babble. I feel for you in that sense, as I often feel like the "topic of the night of other ladies" What to do? Try to dismiss what you can and remind yourself that "she" may currently be pregnant right now, but you WILL be following her very soon :)

I'm in the 2ww as well...it makes for a very long 2 weeks. Praying you see a BFP.

*Hugs*
andrea
persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com

Waiting said...

I am praying for you! Test Sunday, if you can wait that long. Perhaps those tears will be tears of joy!

Morningsun said...

Hi, I've just found your blog recently and don't know if I've ever commented. So it's to delurking week.

Kristen said...

My name is Kristen and I have been reading your blog for about two months. It is great to find Christian women who are in the same boat and listen to your testimonies. We lost a set of twins at 15 weeks. For the last 19 months after that we have tried and not had any luck. We are now starting the process of looking into adoption and also embryo adoption.
God bless you and thanks for blogging.

FreeLark said...

*wave* Hi... just delurking here.... My DH and I have been trying just under 2 years and I have recently been prescribed Clomid to start with my next cycle, but AF has constantly been elusive with me, so hopefully soon...

My prayers are with you.... I definately know how it feels at this point, although not with IUI fears... I'm definately sending good vibes your way!

Amy said...

Okay, I will de-lurk. My husband and I tried to get pregnant for almost a year. At that point we were all set up to start on clomid but at that point in time we felt immediately called to adoption.

We are currently in the process of adopting a baby from Ethiopia. We started the process about 6 months ago and hope to have a baby referral in the next month! Our blog is www.bringinghomebabykeyser.blogspot.com

Missy said...

I can understand your pain at the difference between theoretically thinking of something and then actually have it be reality. But you are so strong that I know whatever decision you guys make, you will come out it together. Good luck with whatever you decide, either about IVF or when to test.

Lindsay said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lindsay said...

I'm just a reader that is interested in your story, I have close family and friends dealing with infertility and I guess I started reading some blogs to help me better understand how they might be feeling. Hoping that 2010 brings you the blessing of a baby!

Rachel said...

I have been following you for a while and post here and there. But, I am delurking. Just wanted to send you a virtual hug! I don't blame you for not wanting to test today. Just doesn't seem/feel right.

Anonymous said...

I have never commented before but I want you to know that I am praying for you. I read your blog almost everyday and I can't wait to see what God has in store for you.

Kelli said...

When to test is always tricky - I never seem to be able to hold out as long as I'm supposed to and really don't give up hope until AF actually shows up...even with hundreds of negatives over the last four years!!

I am praying for you, Hillary. I am praying for a positive test and peace no matter what. Fingers crossed! ;)

'Murgdan' said...

*waving*...I'm here. And wishing you all the best.

Anonymous said...

I'm a lurker. Also am reading IF blogs before trying to conceive. My aunt never had children for this reason, and I have always been interested. I love your non-preachy outlook on religion. As a Christian, I am always upset with the way some Christians turn many off by forcing their beliefs on others. Instead of forcing, you are simply showing your strength and love of your faith. It's really refreshing!

Parenthood For Me said...

Glad you are feeling better today. The fragility of infertility can be so difficult to deal with when you have to continue on with life.

WantWait&Pray said...

Well..........waiting to hear the results!!!! Praying for you sweetie!

Secret Sloper said...

Hi, I'm delurking, too. I hope you get your BFP this month. Such a journey you have had.

And I too lurked on IF blogs for a year before I started TTC. Sometimes I think that's why we lost our baby, even though I know that's insane.

A said...

Hoping your celebrating a BFP today! (Praying, whatever the outcome...)

Mellow said...

I can understand your hesitation in testing, after 10 years of praying for a baby and hoping that the test would be positive, I know where you are coming from! Hang in there, and keep turning to God, He will be your strength!
I commented on another of your posts a couple days ago, but wanted to stop and and just say Hi, and see how you are doing. Also, there is a book that a friend of mine told me about years ago as we were going through month after month of sadness...it's called Supernatural Childbirth. I don't know if you've read it or heard of it, but it was written by a Christian couple that was told they would not be able to have children and went on to prove the Dr's wrong. It's definitely worth the read, and totally biblically based. Keeping you in my prayers!
Marsha

Nicole said...

Agh the test or not to test question. I hope you've come up with a good plan- I'm sure you have by now because I think you're 15 dpo today. GOOD LUCK!! I really hope this is good news for you Hillary :)

Anonymous said...

I am thinking of you and anxiously awaiting your next post! I'm praying for you.

Tabitha said...

I was just checking in to see if you'd posted your results, and then I saw the BFN status to the right. I'm so sorry darling, I'm praying for you and your husband, and your next steps. XOXOXO

ABLynch said...

Hiya! I don't know if I commented before or not, but as you are saved in my 'Favorites' I thought it was worth a comment! I love your blog because I am in constant awe of your faith and am working on mine. You are my inspiration!

Hubby and I thankfully only tried for 16 months before conceiving. I have PCOS, S.I.N. (I know, it sounds funny) Adneomyis (no idea how to spell it) and endo. I charted my temp, did OPKs, had intercourse every 36 hours as perscribed by the urologist, but nothing. My cycle was 28-50 days long, so I never knew when things were happening. The month after we had surgery to correct everything we got pregnant.

I pray for your everynight and can't wait for good things to happen. Best of luck!