Monday, January 18, 2010

Disappearing hope

DH and I are volunteer youth leaders in our church. We have been with our students since the summer before 7th grade, and they are now in 10th grade.

Last night at Sunday School, a couple who are also youth leaders walked in and I suddenly became very anxious. I had observed and heard little clues here and there that made me guess she was pregnant...but as I saw her walk in the room I knew it was true. She was starting to show a little.

At the end of the evening they announced their news. I was sitting behind my girls, and got to see them squeal in sheer delight. My sweet, dear girls who have been asking me when I would have a baby almost from the very beginning 3.5 years ago. My loving girls who are also earnestly praying for me to conceive and do care about my struggle. Immediately they, along with many of the other girls in the youth group, circled the mom-to-be to excitedly ask about the baby growing inside of her.

I managed a small, "Congratulations," to her before I moved to the back of the room. I busied myself picking up papers, pens, and Bibles that had been left on the floor so I would look productive and helpful rather than insanely jealous and hurting.

Pregnancy announcements have always been difficult. I felt the sting, the reminder of what I so earnestly longed for, the jealousy, and the loneliness. But it was always also mixed with a small amount of hope that perhaps this next cycle, surgery, appointment, medication, or treatment would allow me to join them in their pregnancy joys. That God would hear my cries and answer my prayers with a yes.

But last night, the pain stood alone and I didn't have that hope anymore. Will it ever come back? Should it?

33 comments:

courtney said...

Oh girl! I'm so sorry! Boy, pregnancy announcements are SOOOO hard! Especially when its a person that you know that you will have to see a lot during the next 9 months! It's hard to have to sit there and watch their belly grow while yours stays the same. Been there, done that... a million times it seems =/ My DH and I got our "own" lovely pregnancy announcement yesterday. My MIL called to tell DH that my SIL is pregnant (again- she has a 1 year old). Uuugghh!!! Its always in the back of my mind of how my MIL must think "what is wrong with my DIL.. why cant she get pg like everyone else in the family??" It hurts sooo bad. And, like you, when my own sister told me that she was pg (after only TRYING for 2 months).. it took every single cell of strength in my body to wish her a Congratulations.

Anyway this has gotten looong! I really just want you to know that your not alone in your feelings though!

Praying for you!

Courtney

julie said...

YES and YES!!!

(-:

Jenn said...

Hi, I just came across your blog and certainly feel your pain. I too struggle with pregnancy announcements and also discussing pregnancy with women who are expecting.

Just the other day I met a new manager with the company I work for who is due next month. When I was introduced I was told, "and as you can see she is expecting!" I simply responded with a smile, "I see that". I feel bad b/c I know everyone was expecting me to ask her about it but I just couldn't do it. Instead I quickly changed the subject.

Just know you are not alone. All we can do is hope and pray that one day this road becomes easier to travel.

suchagoodegg said...

YES, you should have hope!!!

I am so sorry for your pain. I know how much it hurts. Pregnancy announcements sting. Seeing babies stings. It's all agony. But somehow, some way, we have to pick ourselves up and put one foot in front of another. I'm thinking of you and praying your hope comes back!!!

Waiting said...

Oh man, I am so sorry hun. That is rough. My youth girls are constantly asking when I will have a baby cause they cannot wait to be "aunties".

I think there can always be hope, even though sometimes there feels like there is none. Cling to God, the maker and giver of hope! I am praying for you!

Betty Rubble said...

No words, just understanding!

Hugs to you

finding_ac said...

i have felt that way so many times. I think for me it was god telling me not to make the baby an idol above him...

♥ ac

it will all be over soon, i just know it.

Mandy @ The Party of 3 said...

I am so sorry. I know just how it feels. I always get a sick feeling in my stomach and seem to always find a congrats and then disappear..then my mind starts going to the "oh my I will NEVER no what it is like to be pregnant." You are not alone.

addingtothepack said...

Ouch. :(

Giving Up A Dream said...

I am so sorry. I wish there were words to make you feel instantly better. There are highs and lows. Some times I could handle the announcement better than other times.

The hope will come back. What always works for me is that I look up the word in the concordance of my bible, and read the verses that are listed. There will be one to three verses that God gives me to bring comfort, hope and assurance that He is listening to me. He is listening to you also.

Big hugs being sent to you.

Rach said...

I'm so sorry, that has to be the worst burn of all. I heard people today at work squealing with delight. Sure enough, pregnancy announcement. Sigh, you are right. We'll join them one day. We would not have it in our heart if it wasn't meant to be. Many thoughts your way.

Find joy in every journey said...

That is so rough. I am so sorry you had to go through that considering what you have been dealing with lately.

I loved it when pg friends would tell us first and let us in on their secret before many other people knew. It somehow made me feel special and a part of everything instead of on the outside. I hope this pg friend finds a way to be compassionate towards you soon.

Courtney said...

Please don't lose hope! I have faith that God has great plans for you. I'm really sorry about the pregnancy announcement. Those are always so hard to endure. Praying for you, girl.

some how, some way, some day said...

So many of us know exactly what you are talking about. The pain, the anger and then the shame. Know we are all here for you and know your pain is also our pain....

One Who Understands said...

That is the worst. I have noticed that about my own pregnancy sense. It is like I can sense when someone is going to announce they are expecting. It kills me. Praying you can find hope again.

MK said...

That's rough. :( I can't even begin to count the number of pregnancy announcements that have literally made me sob.
So sorry. Try to hold onto hope, even if it's been reduced to a tiny sliver.

Missy said...

Oh, that must have been so hard and my heart goes out to you.

christina said...

Oh, my heart just aches with you. I am so sorry, it is always hard, but even more hard when your hope is wavering. Much love your way.

Christina

Melis.sa said...

((HUGS)) When it rains it pours, ugh, praying the skies will clear. and fast!

Mellow said...

I'm so sorry...that sting is so hard for those of us who have been there. I pray that you will have hope that returns tenfold. You will start to feel better, and I hope one day you will be the one announcing happy news. Praying for you!

Melissa G said...

Hillary I know it's impossible to see hope when you're in the thick of despair. My heart hurts so much for you right now. I just can't stand to think of you in so much pain.

I will continue to pray that even if God can't answer your prayers for a baby YET, that he bring you peace, so that you're able to heal your heavy heart.

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs.

gringa78 said...

Oh, hun, I know how you feel. The hope WILL come back though...sometimes it's just harder to feel it than other times. It's there, but sometimes sadness and anger mask it. You are such an extraordinary person for surviving this struggle and I KNOW your day will come too...it's just so hard when you don't know when. I'm thinking of you.

entrusted said...

Oh, that's so hard. I'm sorry.
-andreajennine

Melody said...

Uggghh! I'm sorry.

Hannah said...

I'm praying for you! Praying for hope and for a miracle for us both. Hugs.

Kelli said...

Those are tough - my best friend called with her news right after my last failed IVF...it took everything not to hang up on her!

But the good news is that there is always hope! Right now you might not feel it, but somehow in a form that only God knows, it will start to creep back in. I used to say "I'm not going to get my hopes up" until someone pointed out that the worst that can happen is you end up where you are right now. So hold on to hope and set your hopes high! God is awesome enough to surprise us in miraculous ways!

Love you!

Al said...

I'm sorry, pregnancy announcements are so hard, they really are like salt in an open wound.

Hugs.

lifebytheday said...

Ugh, I know EXACTLY how you feel (check out my post from today - lifebytheday.wordpress.com), and yes, I think the hope will eventually come back...I hope.

Hugs,
Jeannine

Rachel DeBell said...

yep! I feel like my whole life has been other people's joyous moments before I ever came close to getting mine! So I can empathize with you. But don't worry...you will get your joyous moment! I just know it.

AplusB said...

Oh, Hillary, I am sorry. Pregnancy announcements can be so, so hard. It sounds like you handled the situation fine and I'm sure you are an amazing role model to all the kids in your youth group. Hang in there, your time will come.

A said...

Hey Hillary, I am super late in commenting, but I just wanted to say that I have been there (in general). Some pg announcements don't hurt (as much), and then other punch all your wind out of your gut. It totally stinks, and I will pray that God restores peace in your heart very soon, and that you'd feel Him answering your prayers in some discernable way. I will hope for you while yours is low!!

Indy said...

I can totally understand and I am sorry.

In my church there are two very good friends of mine (they are already moms) and are planning to expand their families. As happy as I am to think that we just might be pregnant at the same time, I think it is probably more likely that they will announce they are expecting and give birth before we (hubby and I) do. =( It is difficult.

Another one of my dear friends who just got married in July of 2009 is already expecting. As happy as I am for her and her husband I can't help but wonder, "When will it be our turn?"

This has got to be the toughest part of IF. =(

I totally understand. I am praying for you, Hillary. Pray for me. =)

Anonymous said...

I totally understand - hearing pregnancy news is SO hard.

-21reena