Thursday, January 7, 2010

Breakdown

Last night DH said he was leaning against doing IVF. No decisions have been made, we are still praying, but hearing those words was like getting punched.

It is one thing to know cognitively that we might not do IVF. It has never been for sure. It is also one thing to cognitively know you might not have biological children. But to face those two possibilities much, much closer to reality has been completely overwhelming. I lost it. I spent a few hours sobbing - started off in the living room on the blue chair, then in the shower trying to calm myself down, and finally as I laid in bed willing sleep to come, but instead there were just more tears.

I don't want to make this decision because I emotionally can't handle one of the options. As I sobbed I felt guilty that I might sway DH towards IVF simply because he can't bear to see me like this. But I thought I would feel more peace about whatever decision we made. And that whatever path we ultimately would end up on would feel right, even if it was hard. But I just feel like a giant, tangled ball of confusion and angst. I don't know what to do.

I can't bear the thought of not having biological children.

I do see adoption as wonderful and beautiful. I could see DH and I adopting in some way. But I feel like I can't let go of the dream of being pregnant, giving birth, and having the child that is part me and part the man that I love. Of giving our parents a grandchild that carries on the family bloodline, that they could see their parents in. You know, the usual stuff. But that usual stuff feels so incredibly huge right now and I can't really face it. And then I feel guilty, like I don't deserve to adopt and would be so selfish in doing so because of these feelings.

I don't know how to function at work today. I look like a mess. Please pray for me - pray for God's peace in my heart and trust in him. And pray for clarity in this decision for DH and I. We may take awhile to get to a decision, but I also can't imagine how long I can sit in the unknown.

I know this post is dramatic, and trust me, I hope these are passing dramatics.

xxoo

29 comments:

Amanda said...

(((Hugs)))

The thought of closing the door on biological children is a huge deal and you are certainly entitled to feeling however you need to feel while still sorting through all this. I hope that you can both find a solution that you are comfortable with. I'm sorry and I know this is tough. I will be praying for you.

Jules a.k.a. Julie said...

Big hugs... I've been where you are and did end up adopting. It was beautiful and I love my son with all my heart, but I didn't forget the desire for experiencing pregnancy. I understand the emotions you are grabbling with and I wish you peace in your decision.

Krystal said...

I'm so sorry you're having to wrestle with this decision! You and your husband will certainly be in my prayers.

Let me say a bit about adoption. It does NOT relieve your desire to have a biological child. I've probably told you this before, but I love our (almost) adopted son like he was our own. I usually forget that he hasn't been "ours" since day one. That being said, I still have the deep desire to have a biological child with my husband. Maybe now even moreso than before we had Asher placed with us, simply because I now desire to give him a little brother or sister and see him caring and loving on them.

I just want you to know that I'm here for you if you ever want to talk. I know this is a big decision, and I don't want you to think that you're being pressured. My mom always said that you often have to do what's right and pray the feelings follow later. Know what I mean?

Sorry, this is rambly, and it probably doesn't make any sense, but I just wanted you to know that I'm here and listening!

Leah said...

Praying for you Hillary. And I understand you not wanting to give up on the dream of having a biological child. That is natural, and you are only human.

IF is such a process. I've been exactly where you were last night. Having those exact thoughts. Crying beyond belief. Wondering how the heck my life ended up like this. The wonderful thing is that God made us extremely resilient. And eventually, we all get to a point where we realize that whatever outcome we are faced with, will be the best option, and we will not only survive, but thrive.

Thinking of you sweety.

Baby Wanted said...

Oh Hil, your concerns are valid! I also felt the same way and the thought of never giving our parents a biological grandchild broke my heart to pieces but then one day, we decided to adopt. As of now, I have no desire to get pregnant. I'm 100% happy to adopt a baby who "is growing in our hearts!" I know some still have the desire to have a biological child (like your commenter above) but as of now, I do not have that desire.

I'm going to pray you two find peace in whatever decision you make. G and I were opposite of you guys. I had the same feelings as your husband and G really wanted to do IVF. There were many sleepless nights and tears. I know God will lead you guys and I pray he does it soon. Lots of love!

A said...

Oh Hillary, I am stopping right now and praying for God's peace to wash over you. I know that you and hubby will continue to seek God's will in this, and that you would not try to stage dramatics to your husband just to sway him. I know it must be crazy to have heard your hubby say that, and I think we would all have the same reaction as you did!! But from how you have described your husband, he is a faithful guy, and I know that if he truly felt called to not choose IVF, it would be God speaking to his heart. I'll continue to pray for discernment for the both of you- even if that means choosing a path you never thought you'd go down (HUG)

Shanny said...

I'm praying for you. I have no words, I just hope that the end decision brings you both peace. Big hugs.

The Wife said...

((((Hugs)))
Praying for you Hilary. Remember to work fully through all your emotions. There are no wrong ones and everything you are feeling is valid. Even though I was(am) always open to adoption, I would always imagine what it would be like to have a child that was half me and half DH. That desire is very normal. It's doesn't disqualify you towards adopting...

Tabitha said...

Praying for you. And please don't feel guilty or "crazy", these emotions are completely normal and mirror my own. Before we decided to officially begin IVF, I knew it was a big decision but I held so much hope in my heart...I needed to at least TRY. If my DH would have siad he wasn't comfortable with it, I would have reacted the same way. No one wants to be in this position, unable to do what our bodies are physically built to do, and it's hard. And like you, adoption is an option, but it's just not where my heart lies...at least riht now. I want my own biological child, and I have to trust that God hears my prayers and will do what's best for me, and hopefully make my dreams (and yours) come true.

babygaga said...

I do not share your same belive in God, so it is hard for me to give advice. But maybe it would be good for you and your husband to talk to a educated counselor, that is neutral in his belives, that is someone that can try to understand your feelings and help you get acceptance in what ever you decide.

I hope that you and your husband will get to a decision that will get you peace in your hearts.

For my IVF has been the best thing I have experienced. My DH has severe MFI. I got 7 eggs, 6 that were fertilized, but only 2 that were used (not good quality, but got pregnant). Nothing freezed, I of course think about the 4 that were discarded due to bad quality. But that is the price I have to pay and I do accept it and feel at peace with my decisions.

AplusB said...

Hillary, I am so sorry you are faced with this difficult decision. I share many of your feelings about adoption, that it is such a wonderful thing, but I desire so much for a biological child. It's so, so hard. Thinking of you right now and hoping for much peace over the next few days as you make these decisions.

Melissa G said...

Oh Hillary. I wish I could give you a big giant squishy hug right now. I'm sorry you had such a rough night. And I know how hard you've been struggling with this.

You are absolutely NOT being selfish by wanting to experience something hundereds of millions of women have been experiencing since the dawn of time. It's very natural. And I don't think anyone would blame you, if not feel exactly the same way.

I just hate that you are going through this. Please know that I will be thinking of you and praying for you and dh.

Hugs

Rach said...

Praying for you. I hope God opens your heart to the many options that are available.

Life Happens said...

Everything you are feeling is normal. Obviously, your DH did not mean to hurt you, he was just expressing his feelings. I am sure that you will both make the right decision as to what is BEST for your family. God will not lead you to make the wrong decision.

I strongly believe that no matter how your baby comes into your family, your heart will love that baby as much as God loves it.

I am praying for you!

Angie said...

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My advice, keep talking to your DH about your feelings and about his. Not that you are trying to 'sway' him but it will help you both on the journey if you can understand why he is thinking that way and why you are still considering the treatment. Hope this makes sense....

entrusted said...

I'm so sorry, Hillary. Praying that you and your husband can have both peace and unity in your decision.
I hesitate to mention this, b/c I know I didn't always like having people throw out other options when I was in the midst of one of those breakdown moments... but have you guys considered embryo adoption at all? When we weren't sure if we'd continue to pursue IVF, I thought about it a lot; I really liked how it aligned with our beliefs about the beginning of life and how it was a form of adoption that could still give me the experience of pregnancy. Just a thought...
-andreajennine

Just Us... said...

It took my husband YEARS to come to grips with the fact that IVF was something we needed. I never thought that moment would occur, and now it has.

Remember, the Lord is ALWAYS working on the heart--so while your husband may have his own leanings today--but tomorrow he may lean the other way.

I know that makes sense where I'm at now and I would have HATED that same advise had someone given it a year ago--but it is so true, and I hope that you find some solace in that.

Hugs.

Miriam said...

Whatever you feel about not having your own biological children is fine. It's ok. You can be upset, scared, angry, confused - all of this is ok. Since it seems like your husband's thoughts are fairly fresh, give it a little breathing room. Let the idea sit with him a little bit. It's not over yet - just give it a little time. Hang in there.

elle said...

You are in my prayers. I hope that you and your husband will come to a decision that gives you both peace and in the end a beautiful child...

Andrea said...

Secretly, I have those same thoughts of wanting a biological child and fears of that not coming to fruition. The uncertainty is terrifying, but we must be faithful and hold on to hope, for without hope we have nothing.

Take some time to allow your husband to absorb the idea of IVF. It's a big committment and can be overwhelming at first glance (not that you've not devoted lotts of time to this already)but I am faithful in the two of you coming together on a decision.

I agree...it's not over :)

Many Hugs

Melis.sa said...

Praying for you and your dh. ((HUGS))

Jendeis said...

I feel for you so much. Praying for strength and peace for you. Much love.

Kelli said...

Bigs hugs for you! I have had many a big ol' cry fest over the last four years with the same fears haunting me. I am praying for peace for both you and your dh in whatever path you choose to take. xoxo

Caroline said...

Oh sweetie,

I am so sorry for the pain that you are experiencing right now. Infertility is one of the toughest battles you will ever face, and it can seem so confusing at times.
I am thinking of you and praying for you and your DH. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

You are not being dramatic - you are being real - thi is such a hard thing to deal with...you don't grow up planning this, so when it happens it feels like someone else's life. I will keep you in my prayers.

-21reena

The Mrs. said...

Praying for you girl! This is a lot to think about and there are so many emotions that go into it! I pray that God gives you peace and guidance.

Foster Mama said...

Praying for you.

Mrs. Hammer said...

I wanted to let you know that Hammer and I went through the exact same thing. We had made decisions about IVF much like your own, how many eggs to fertilize, met with a paster etc. And then three days before I was to put in our first payment he dropped the bomb. It was devestating to me. I had hope that maybe God would use IVF in our lives and it was taken away. But what I learned is that Hammer and I are a team and if even one of us is not in sync on something we cannot move forward, that God maybe laying things on his heart and leading our family in a different direction. IVF is a huge step financially, emotionally, and even spiritually. I do not blame him for being hesitant. What I learned from Hammer is that he was afraid for ME, his hesitation was for my well being because he did not want to see me go through anymore heartache. I will be praying for you for so many things. For this cycle and for any potential future decisions.

Parenthood For Me said...

I have been in your position as have many. This is such a difficult thing to go through. Why would you give up the idea of a bio baby? This is not something you planned for. The answers will come with time. Don't feel bad about your emotions. They are true and honest and normal.