I believe God is in control of all things and directs our steps. He knows the story of our lives intimately from beginning to end. He has already planned our family and knows what children (if any) will be a part of it (how exciting is that?!).
Mixed into that belief of God's plans for me are my own hopes, dreams, and plans. And, very often, my dreams have matched God's plans for me in some way, and I hope they are always seeking to be aligned with his will. For example, I dreamed, hoped, and planned to get married, and God graciously gave me that gift. I may not have known the details like who I would marry or when, but I had some ideas penciled into the story of my life that included marriage. God could have come and erased those pencil scratches I wrote, crossed out certain details, or written over my pencil marks in his beautiful permanent marker at any point in my story. But the pages in earlier chapters of my life have always had some of my own ideas describing what I thought my life *might* look like.
In the chapter of our life story about trying to start a family, nothing has really gone according to my plans. Much has been crossed out and erased, but I have always had a new piece of penciled in writing that I hoped would match with God's plans. Not conceiving right away? We'll just write in that it took longer than expected. Found out we have a diagnosed infertility issue? Add a surgery that corrected everything. Started treatments with an RE? Surely God will use that to bring conception. Four failed IUI's? Well, there's always IVF as an option...
And that's where I think Part One of our trying to conceive chapter ended. After our 4th failed IUI and DH & I both sensed God leading us away from IVF (at least for now), I turned a new page in this story. And this time, I have nothing written in. I have no idea what to expect and what will, in fact, become part of our story.
The image of the page turning and a new section of our story beginning has been comforting to me. Some days the blankness is utterly terrifying, and the planner in me has such a difficult time being in this unknown place. But, overall, I do have a great sense of awe that whatever happens from here will be so clearly God's leading and working. I know that he is faithful and will be writing on the blank page that is before us...and there is something exciting about that. It is profound to sit here and wait on God with my broken heart and open hands laid out before him in anticipation of what he will do.