Thursday, January 28, 2010

A blank page

I believe God is in control of all things and directs our steps. He knows the story of our lives intimately from beginning to end. He has already planned our family and knows what children (if any) will be a part of it (how exciting is that?!).

Mixed into that belief of God's plans for me are my own hopes, dreams, and plans. And, very often, my dreams have matched God's plans for me in some way, and I hope they are always seeking to be aligned with his will. For example, I dreamed, hoped, and planned to get married, and God graciously gave me that gift. I may not have known the details like who I would marry or when, but I had some ideas penciled into the story of my life that included marriage. God could have come and erased those pencil scratches I wrote, crossed out certain details, or written over my pencil marks in his beautiful permanent marker at any point in my story. But the pages in earlier chapters of my life have always had some of my own ideas describing what I thought my life *might* look like.

In the chapter of our life story about trying to start a family, nothing has really gone according to my plans. Much has been crossed out and erased, but I have always had a new piece of penciled in writing that I hoped would match with God's plans. Not conceiving right away? We'll just write in that it took longer than expected. Found out we have a diagnosed infertility issue? Add a surgery that corrected everything. Started treatments with an RE? Surely God will use that to bring conception. Four failed IUI's? Well, there's always IVF as an option...

And that's where I think Part One of our trying to conceive chapter ended. After our 4th failed IUI and DH & I both sensed God leading us away from IVF (at least for now), I turned a new page in this story. And this time, I have nothing written in. I have no idea what to expect and what will, in fact, become part of our story.

The image of the page turning and a new section of our story beginning has been comforting to me. Some days the blankness is utterly terrifying, and the planner in me has such a difficult time being in this unknown place. But, overall, I do have a great sense of awe that whatever happens from here will be so clearly God's leading and working. I know that he is faithful and will be writing on the blank page that is before us...and there is something exciting about that. It is profound to sit here and wait on God with my broken heart and open hands laid out before him in anticipation of what he will do.

17 comments:

Melis.sa said...

((HUG))

i think this is the best plan yet. i hope the terrifying days are way less than the hopeful, the peaceful, and the content.

Rach said...

The unknown is so hard. Thinking of you.

One Who Understands said...

What amazing faith. You are right, He does have a plan for you and it will be amazing. I would always tell myself, "Well I am one day closer to holding my child," because truly every passing day is bringing you one day closer. No matter if it is months or years from today. Hang in there girl. It is on it's way.

Sunshine said...

Oh girl! I know that someday we will be able to look back at our old blog postings and be just THAT much more thankful for our little ones who are cooing in the next room or running around our feet because of all of this suffering! I hang on to that hope of "someday" and I know you do as well!

Hang in there!

XOXO God Bless

Betty Rubble said...

I hope you continue to write your story no matter the pages are filled with!

SecretSisterhood said...

Maybe you'll write a book some day to provide encouragement to other young women with IF.

Tabitha said...

I'm anxiously waiting to see how God fills that blank page, and I'm comforted with you in the knowlege that HE is the author and creator of all things, and becuase you're letting HIM write the entire story, I know it will turn out perfectly!

Melody said...

I agree with Tabitha and I am excited to see how God fills in that page because I know you will give him all the glory.

Jennifer said...

Wow. That was beautiful. Your faith inspires me. I can't wait to see God's plan!

Melissa G said...

A blank page, what a lovely analogy. Being on a break myself, I agree that there is a certain clarity that comes with not having any plans. Though like you said, it takes some getting used to. As difficult as it is to see when you're in the thick of it, sometimes letting go can be the best thing for you.

I'm glad you are beginning to feel some peace, truly a blessing we've all been praying for.

Hugs, my friend.

A said...

I think it is awesome how you are waiting on God with your open hands laid out before Him!!! This whole post was great, but that was my favorite line (saved the best for last, huh!)!! I have no doubt that He is already writing on that page in some ways. He will surely bless you for your faithfulness!! (Aren't you glad we write "our plans" in pencil that He can erase easily to replace with His ink?)

andreajennine said...

You're bringing great honor to God, friend.

Jendeis said...

What everyone above me wrote. Also, here with you waiting with excitement and anticipation for what G-D brings next.

WantWait&Pray said...

Beautiful post.....and so true that I truly believe he wants that clean slate in our life so he can begin writing the steps to the journey which is within our reach. It took our 3rd IVF, knowing it could very well be our last....and then what. We had nothing else planned...no adoption plans, no plans for a 4th attempt had it not worked.....just that blank page. And so I had no choice, I had to give it ALL to Him because I had no more "rabbits in my hat".
And.....then the miracle happened and it did work. He's a gracious God...your plan is already laid out and he's waiting for the right time to show you.

sara said...

Beautifully said Hillary! I know it so hard to sit and wait. My friend sent this verse to me and I hope it encourages you as well! "But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a SINGLE day." Habakkuk 2:3

It will not be late Hillary! And it will be in His perfect way! Continueing to pray for wisdom and peace!

Kelli said...

This makes me think of that song "Unwritten" - except it IS written, just not yet revealed to us! God will unfold your beautiful story in His perfect timing!

Rambler said...

"For every time there is a season". I can understand the title of your post. A blank page can be a positive thing indeed.