Thursday, December 3, 2009

Spiritual musings (or, crazy thoughts revealed)

Lately, I have been trying to read God's mind.

I know he has a plan and a purpose to our infertility, and lately I have been wondering if his purpose has been accomplished. Have I seen God's faithfulness and glory? Have I learned enough? Have I grown in faith and trust? Has my character been refined? I'm sure there could be many other or alternate purposes, but these are the general ones that I imagine God has in any season of suffering.

And while I would say the answer is "Yes!" to all of the questions listed above to some extent....I wonder if I am there. Some place of complete trust, faith, and surrender, or some amazing path that God leads us down. I don't know. And do I have to get there before God builds our family?

Or, in other words, in my own twisted musings I have wondered if I have suffered enough. That more suffering would get me there - a place with some set quota of suffering I must endure before God will answer our prayers. Even typing that it sounds silly to say! But if I were blessed enough to conceive a healthy pregnancy this cycle, I would suddenly be on the other side of this journey. And what would my infertility look like from that side? A long season of waiting (but, really, in the scope of eternity only 20 months), a couple surgeries, many tears, and "only" 3 IUI's.

And when my mind goes down the path, I wonder if God would actually answer our prayers with a yes this "early." I actually made myself really discouraged that this cycle will not result in a pregnancy through this line of thinking!

Ok, before you think I am going crazy here trying to second guess God and figure out if and when he will answer our prayer with a pregnancy....these musings have made me so THANKFUL to serve such a gracious God. He does NOT answer our prayers based on any of our own merits (and, in a sense, I am counting suffering as a merit). I do not have to walk this infertility journey by figuring out some way to do it "right" and "learn" and "have faith" in these certain mind game ways in order to have God notice me over here. God is so gracious and he blesses his children in his timing. And his timing and purposes are GOOD, even when I cannot see the big picture.

I can look back on my life already and see how difficult seasons unfolded into beautiful landscapes. And I know he is creating one now somehow, and that could mean conceiving THIS cycle. Or it could mean never conceiving. But I do trust his plan.

I read this verse recently, and it really touched me:

"For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" Luke 11:10-13

I am asking God for a pregnancy....and while I know he may not give me that, I can rest assured that he will not give me a serpent, or some other awful thing. And one thing I know for a fact he will give me is the gift of his Holy Spirit! This has been comforting as I battle all my crazy thoughts. And while it is comforting to know that God's work in my life is not dependant on me, it is also good to know that my suffering does, in fact, grow me in my faith and hope:

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5: 3-5

14 comments:

Melody said...

Wow, this is amazing trust and faith you have, my sweet friend. You are truly bringing glory to your heavenly father. I know you didn't post to receive comments like that but it's true and I am blessed to hear from you today. Praying with you that God will provide a healthy pregnancy for you. Love Ya, Melody

Leah said...

You don't sound crazy to me. I think all of us who experience something profound (and I would definitely classify infertility as profound) try to dive into the deeper meaning to everything.

I do that constantly. I prayed so hard to have a pregnancy. That's what I wanted. I spent thousands of dollars to make it happen, and although DH and I had no diagnosis, it didn't happen. When we started our adoption plans, I then thought this was God's plan all along. I was just so focused on what I wanted, that I didn't trust His plan.

It's so hard to trust that God knows what's best. But I believe he truly does. And that's why I have faith that it is going to work out for you. :-D

Courtney said...

You are awesome and your faith is amazing! Praying for you that this cycle is the one!

Amber said...

You are an inspiration to me. I really need to refocus my emotions and my faith. It's funny how we consider 20 months and multiple surgeries as "not enough". There's always someone who takes longer and someone who gets lucky earlier... Good luck this month!!!

SecretSisterhood said...

You're thoughts are so familiar to me. I've had very similar feelings over the past few years, thinking: have I learned all that God wants to teach me during this? And: help me Lord to learn quickly so that I can get past this infertility.

You said that you'll suddenly find yourself on the other side of this journey if you get a BFP this month. But for me, this was only partially true. I'm now 7 weeks pregnant and I don't feel that the journey is magically over. There are still concerns that keep you clinging to God, like: will this pregnancy be viable, will this baby be healthy, will I be a good mom, etc, etc? I think that our need for the Lord to help us, our journey of learning the lessons the Lord has for us, and our reliance on the Holy Spirit to produce fruit in us doesn't end... pregnancy or not.

Keep trusting the Lord. It appears as though He's truly doing a good work in you.

Itsavaricowhat said...

I am really hoping this is the one for you girl, Infertility has a lot to teach us about ourselves, and our faith. Sending hugs.

Baby Wanted said...

I admire your faith!

entrusted said...

Amen!

Lin said...

You're thoughts do not sound crazy to me in the slightest...partly, I think, because I had those "will God grant us our baby this 'early'," too. Maybe that's part of what I was getting at in my post the other day, thouh you put it much more eloquently!

And, then, I can't help but wonder, if that is the reason we are dealing with infertility-- for something we have yet to learn-- why do some people not have to learn it, yet we do? I assume they learn it in other ways, through other hardships, but I still wonder.

I, too, admire your faith and appreciate your thoughts so much!

Waiting said...

Great post. Great verses. I share many of your feelings, and it is also something I struggle with. How much further is my road? Can I really get pregnant this early on, when others have endured so much more than me? How much further do I have to go?

Lately I have also been trying to see my infertility as a blessing, and trying to see what God wants to teach me through all of this. So far I have realized that I was not truely ready for children 2 years ago when we started trying, but now I feel ready. I know God's timing is perfect. He proves it over and over again! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for that important reminder.

21reena

elle said...

Your faith never ceases to amaze me! This seems to be my big struggle, trying to figure out what I should be doing or learning to make this process go faster. It's so hard to accept the fact that we really don't have any control in this at all. Thanks for the gentle reminder and uplifting verses.

Miriam said...

Sorry I'm a few days late to your post, but I really admired what you had to say. Sometimes in times of crisis and strife, faith might be the last thing we have to keep us going. Your musing about suffering reminded though of something I read recently: "Sacrifice" means to make sacred, and not necessarily to endure suffering. Our infertility is indeed a sacrifice to our sense of G-d's plan, but it is to bring us closer to G-d and to bring Holiness into our lives, not necessarily to endure suffering wrought upon us, if that makes sense.

Tabitha said...

I often wonder the same things. Have I learned enough, trusted in God enough, and dealt with enough to FINALLY be pregnant?!? Sigh*. I wonder if we'll ever know! =)