Thursday, November 5, 2009

A year ago today...

...we found out we were officially infertile.

DH had gone in for the first of what would be many SA's on Halloween. Early in the next week he got a call from his primary care physician to come in the following day to go over the results. I remember wondering if the fact that DH had to go over the results in person meant there was a "problem," but didn't know enough about doctors and how things worked to actually get worried.

A year ago today, DH called me as he was driving home from that momentous appointment. It was about 11:00 am, and I was alone in the office at my work. He repeated what the doctor had said, that everything looked normal except the motility. It's funny to look back and remember that I didn't even know what motility meant (it's the percentage of how many sperm move, in case you're wondering)! DH didn't sound too worried, and he had gotten a referral to a urologist.

After we hung up, I tried to resume my work. But my mind was racing with this new piece of information, and I so badly had the urge to google. But how could I could about sp.erm at work!? I tried to keep working. But the unknown was filling me with such anxiety and dread, that I gave into temptation and started googling. Pretty quickly I saw the seriousness of our situation, and sobs formed deep in my chest.

I left work and met DH at home for lunch. We laid on our bed and DH held me while I cried. We prayed. I didn't go back to work that day.

As I look back on that day, I am amazed to say that I feel like I am in a much better place than I was then. On some level that is so strange to say because it's been an entire year and I am still not pregnant, and the reality of potentially never conceiving is that much closer. On many levels I think I should be worse off right now than I am.

But - I am well.

My life in this season is marked with deep sadness and intense moments of fear that I must give to the Lord. I struggle with the frustration that my life is not what I had envisioned or hoped it would be at this point. I wrestle with trusting God and his plan for my life.

But - I am well.

And, finding out we were infertile felt like a piece of God's plan had, indeed, been revealed in my life. I found comfort in that this past year that I did not have prior to our diagnosis as we were unsuccessfully trying to conceive. I never would have chosen it, but he has set DH on this infertility journey. And if this is where God wants me to be for his glory, this is where I want to be. Even when it is hard and it hurts.

I am well.

My cup does overflow. My soul is well - I am saved! I have a relationship with my Creator, my heavenly Father. And I have many earthly blessings: a warm, vibrant, and loving church community, old friends who know me so well, new friends who have been wonderful to grow in friendship with, a ministry that is both a challenge and a joy, and, most significantly in this season, a loving, Godly husband who walks with me.

I am well.

25 comments:

A said...

Beautiful post! Praise God for His gift of faith to trust that He uses ALL THINGS for good, even the sadness!!

Melody said...

This is beautiful, Hillary. It's such an inspiration to watch others be "well with with their soul" in the midst of pain and heartache. You are a tremendous testimony in this area. May God continue to give you this peace and hope that you have.

Rach said...

I agree, beautiful post. Puts a lot in perspective. Everytine the thought crosses my mind that I may never have kids my husband always reminds me that there is a lot worse things out there and that I need to focus on the good things about my life.

Courtney said...

What an awesome post!

A baby for Al? said...

Beautiful post! Your attitude and outlook is an inspiration to me., thank you :-).

Betty Rubble said...

Beautiful! This brought a smile to my lips! You are well!!!

Lin said...

An awesome post! It's true that as hard as it is for us to remember sometimes when we're in the middle of this, the path is meant to teach us something and we're better for it in the long run. Your post is well-timed, because my current post is how I'm having a hard time remembering that this week. Thank you.

I know what you mean about being in a better place. It doesn't seem to get any easier, but somehow those first few moments are the hardest, when the reality hits.

ASHELY said...

Hillary, we met on the bump a year ago. Isn't it crazy that we have been following this journey we both have, for a year now. I just posted about it on my blog as well. You have been a great strength for me this past year, always with such uplifting, kind words, and your prayers. I will continue to pray that your journey will have its happy ending.

Blessed said...

Simply beautiful!!!

Tabitha said...

Amen!!

Priscilla said...

Hillary...I just started following your blog because the IF journey you and your DH have been through thus far is similiar to my blog story. (MF: Low motility, Vericocelectomy) I pray that your miracle is right around the corner and I look forward to reading your blog.

benandcillaivf2@blogspot.com

Priscilla said...

Oops...this is it. Sorry :)

www.benandcillaivf2.blogspot.com

entrusted said...

Amen, friend!
::andreajennine::

Leah said...

Such a beautiful post Hillary. You are a resilient person. Sometimes we are faced with situations that at one time, we thought we could never handle. And here we are! Handling them!

I pray for you and your husband, and yes, you are doing wel indeed. :-D

Hope.Faith.Patience said...

Such a beautiful, well written post. You will touch many people with your words and faith! Praying for you :-)

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful post and a great reminder to us all that this is part of our journey.

21reena

Shanny said...

This is a great great post!
Glad you are well =)

Melis.sa said...

Isn't it amazing how much can change in a year??

((HUGS)) You're such an inspiration Hillary :)

Kate said...

What a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing it.

Caroline said...

I really admire you Hillary. You are such a good example of grace and faith in the midst of one of life's biggest trials (infertility).
I wish that I could have had as much faith as you along my journey.
I have seen you grow so much throughout the year. God is doing wonderful things through you, even though it is a difficult road to travel.
Hugs.
C x

Jess said...

Beautiful post!

How is your hubby doing?

babyparamore.blogspot.com

AplusB said...

This is a beautiful post...what a wonderful way to find the good along such a difficult journey.

Life Happens said...

What a lovely retrospect. Isn't it amazing to see how much you have grown in the last year? Most importantly, how much your faith has grown. And of course, how much your marriage has grown.

May the new year bring you bundles of joy in your life! (Don't I sound like a Christmas card?!) Have a great weekend!

gringa78 said...

I remember that day too because we got DH's 1st SA results back...I cried the whole drive home. Then I saw your post and didn't feel so alone. I'm thinking of you and know your turn is coming soon. ((HUGS))

Julie said...

This post is amazing. You should use it for Creme de la Creme!
I completely understand what you are feeling. I have been wondering how after all of this time and all of these cycle failures, how I could feel BETTER than before?! I actually feel as if I am being carried, as it is written in "Footprints".
This is no doubt a challenge beyond anything I have ever experienced, but I know now that it is all part of God's plan and journey for me. I also know that it is in his plan for me to be a mom. Im sure you do to. Thank you for your beautifully written words and inspiration.