Monday, November 23, 2009

The little things

I am constantly amazed at what a roller coaster of emotions infertility, and especially infertility treatments, are. And I am constantly surprised at my own reactions. Last week as we were finishing up our break month cycle I felt like I was in such a good place spiritually. I was trusting the Lord and experiencing his amazing peace and joy that surpassed my circumstances.

And then I went to my baseline appointment, and felt like that all went suddenly out the window. I was a stressed out basket case worrying about all the little details of my cycle. Why is he starting me on meds later? Why is my first monitoring so late? What if I ovulate early? What if I get too many follicles? AHHHH!!

But really, why is it that I can trust the Lord in the big picture, but when it comes to the "little things," the day-to-day things, I don't? Or are these moments a reflection of how much I am truly trusting the Lord?

However, there IS an important element of using my knowledge and resources to be a good steward of where God has me. I do need to pay attention to the details so that I don't waste my time and money, which may mean calling my RE to get an earlier monitoring appointment. Being on top of my cycle is a good thing, I think. But the worry is where the problem lies.

I want to find a balance in being able to trust God even in these little things. I want to be proactive, informed, and seeking God in each day-to-day item, but I want to do so without freaking out. :) I'm praying about this.

*****

I got an earlier monitoring appointment for cycle day 10, which will be Saturday. It was actually really easy to do and makes me feel extra silly for my feelings of panic and despair on Friday.

Today is cycle day 5, and I'm about to take my second dose of clomid in an hour! Again, I am thankful for the fact that I have never experienced any side effects from this often hated drug.

18 comments:

wait, what? said...

Good luck on Saturday!

Leah said...

I found it impossible to be calm and trusting while going through treatment. Just like you, I would get to a really good place emotionally and spiritually, and then another cycle would come, and instead of trusting in a greater plan, I was worried about the odds, the follicles, the meds. . . EVERYTHING. Infertility treatment is the biggest rollercoaster I've ever been on. For me, stopping treatment was when I finally healed.

I realy hope this is your cycle. Nothing will be able to heal you more than a pregnancy. :-D

Mrs. Hammer said...

You ask wonderful questions. What is it that we so quickly lose God in the details of our lives? Remember that God is in the details working things out to create the big picture that you are trusting Him to do. IF is such a learning process in trust, patience and faith. We will be so refined as Godly women when we finally see His plan for us unfold! Hang in there, I will continue to be praying for you :)

Courtney said...

Praying for you and sending lots of (((HUGS)))! I hope everything goes really well with this cycle!

Lin said...

So glad that you were able to get an earlier appointment!

I believe that you are right...God gave us the tools we need to be good stewards. In this case, that means asking the right questions and being our own health (and money) advocate.

I also struggle a great deal with the worry. I wish that I could separate the advocacy from the worry, but I haven't figured it out quite yet. Wishing you luck on that journey (and this cycle!)!

jones said...

glad you're getting in there earlier. have a great holiday!

Bekah said...

Oh, wow, I understand exactly. I was so anxious during my last appointment with my RE over nothing. Just worry. And hey, Saturday is day 10 for me too and I also have a monitoring appointment. I'll be praying for both of us on Saturday. Fun times.

iwillbeamom.blogspot.com

Dea.nna said...

I'm struggling with some of the same emotions. People always say that its easier to trust God when things are going smoothly, but I'm not sure things are ever going smooth with IF. LOL! Praying for you. Hope your appointment on Saturday goes well!

Rach said...

Well said. Will be thinking of you on Saturday!

Nicole said...

Oh man, you are the only person I know who doesn't hate clomid! I hope it stays that way :)
Glad you were able to move your first appt up, and don't feel silly. WHen you're doing as much as you are to get pg, it's okay to want the controllable details to go perfectly. But at the same time, I completely understand your quest for that trust vs. action balance. Good luck with everything this cycle!!!

Caroline said...

Hi Hillary,
I think that battling through infertility treatments is one of the most stressful experiences you can go through. It makes sense that you will feel out of control/upset/scared and stressed at times. Although our feelings change on a regular basis, I believe that God is with us the whole way (no matter what we are feeling on the day).
I think you are doing an amazing job of coping. Hugs. x

Shanny said...

This is one tough rollercoaster to have to deal with, eek!

GL on Saturday!!

AplusB said...

I'm glad you got the earlier appointment...even if just for peace of mind. Isn't it funny how sometimes we stress about things that seems like a really big deal, then it's super easy? I psych myself about things sometimes and once I make the phone call I feel so much better.
Good luck this weekend!!

Rachel said...

I am glad you got this all worked out. I am sure that Saturday's appointment will go great! I hope the meds. keep treating you well.

Stefanie said...

Good luck on Saturday, and I hope that the often hated drug keeps treating you well.

Rebekah said...

So very well put. I found myself strugglung with the "little things" during treatments (and, well, sometimes still do). What a great reminder that He is in charge!

Continued prayers for this cycle...

Priscilla said...

You're right on!! IF is such a struggle and being able to trust in the big picture when it comes to making a baby we want so dearly is such a tough thing to do. Hang in there....good luck with this cycle and Happy Thanksgiving!! :)

Baby Wanted said...

Great post! I pray that this is your cycle and that you have a baby/pregnant for Christmas!