Thursday, October 22, 2009

One line

BFN. :(

I woke up at 5:30am and had to pee, so I decided to go for it. There was no way I'd be able to ignore the urge to pee and the possibility of knowing if I were pregnant or not.

Peeing on a stick is such a funny thing. This morning before doing so I would have said I was not pregnant. But as I stood there for those long 3 minutes, all of the hope I had suppressed throughout the cycle resurfaced. A miracle can happen, you know, and maybe this is it, I thought. I prayed while I stood there that God would help me to trust him whatever the outcome. I imagined waking up DH to tell him our wonderful news, driving to the drugstore to get one of those fancy HPTs I never spend the money on, and celebrating together this morning over a multitude of positive pee sticks. All of that in those measly 3 minutes that ended with only one line.

I crawled back in bed and resorted to one of my coping mechanisms - sleep. But it was a restless, unsettled sleep filled with thoughts of strange, negative things. I pressed against DH and he instinctively spooned me, which comforted me without him even knowing.

He woke up an hour later.

"Hey, isn't it time for you to take a pregnancy test," he said.

"I did already," I responded.

"Oh," he said flatly, "It was negative."

Then he wrapped his arms around me tightly.

****

Thank you all for your amazing support! You all remain so hopeful for me even when I cannot. Thank you. And I'm still expecting to see some positives from those of you wrapping up your cycle as well!!

45 comments:

Wait, What? said...

I just linked over her from thebump.... I'm really sorry for your BFN. I know how difficult it is to make it through the 2ww, already conclude you're not PG but be unable to resist the urge to POAS.... and then for those few minutes hope to finally see those two lines. Try to hang in there today. We are all here to support you.

A said...

I am so sorry about the BFN, but so glad that DH was there to hold you!!! That makes it a tiny bit easier to bear, doesn't it? I was so hoping we could be pg buddies (you know, that we'd both get +'s!)!! I know God has your little miracle in store for you!!

Mary said...

I can't express how sorry I am. I'm just beside myself.

Are you going to start again in a few days or are you taking a break?

I'll be thinking of you all day. I hope you two do something nice togther tonight.

AplusB said...

Oh Hillary, I'm so sorry. Sounds like you have a wonderful hubby and that is so important! Keep the hope alive!

Amanda said...

Oh, I'm sorry hun. I was really hoping that stars were aligned this time and this was it for you. I'm sorry that your journey will continue on, but I know that you and your husband are strong and will have the strength to continue where ever the path leads. ((Hugs))

Melissa G said...

Hillary I am so very sorry.

I know seeing that single line never gets any easier. But we're lucky to have such wonderful husbands to comfort us after yet another failed attempt.

Take good care of yourself.

Hugs.

Shanny said...

I'm so sorry, this sucks so bad :(
Glad your hubby is supportive and that he is there for you (((hugs)))

gringa78 said...

((HUGE HUGS))

I know how hard it is. I'm thinking of you.

Rach said...

Ohh, I'm so sorry. I'm 10DPO and I also tested this morning (at 3am!) and got a BFN. :( Like all, I'm hanging onto a little bit of hope but I assume my temperatures will start dropping tomorrow.

A baby for Al? said...

I'm so sorry, Hilary.

A big virtual hug to you.

I'm glad your hubby is there for support and comfort...they help so much.

Rain Child said...

I am so sorry. I know how hard it is to have that one line just staring back at you!!! Try to keep your chin up!

andhereweare said...

I am so sorry about the negative, Hilary. I am thinking of you -- and also echo the suggestions above that you and DH do something fun tonight and this weekend.

Krystal said...

I'm so sorry, hun. I know those 3 minutes are terrible. You're in my prayers.

MK said...

Oh, my heart dropped when I read this. So sorry. I hate that stupid one line. :(

AJ48 said...

Tears came to my eyes with your post. I hate that feeling and I pray that you get your bfp next c...Your hubs seems to be really supportive and loving, thats awesome.

Michelle said...

I'm so sad for you.. tears welling up. So glad your DH was there for you.

jeanna said...

This breaks my heart for you (((HUGS)))

Leah said...

I'm really sorry. :-( I've been thinking and praying for you all morning.

What you wrote brought me back so much. I remember losing hope as well, yet in those 3 minutes, all the hope comes back. It really is cruel. Sometimes it takes a few though, and I still have a lot of hope for you. :-D

Melis.sa said...

I'm sorry Hillary, I've been thinking about you all day.

Aren't those the best dh moments ever? the random ones when you need strength?

((HUGS))

Kate said...

I'm so sorry. I'm thinking of you.

WantWait&Pray said...

I am so sorry, hun. I got on early this am to see if you had posted yet. I am thinking of you.

Courtney said...

I'm so, so sorry. :-( I've been thinking about you today. I'm praying that God comforts you and helps you to move on with the next step in your journey with minimal sorrow and pain.

Dea.nna said...

Aww suck! I'm so bummed for you. I'm praying for your comfort and peace today.

elle said...

I'm sorry, it just never gets easier. I'm praying you will continue to find hope and strength in God and that you will see those two lines very soon.

entrusted said...

I'm so sorry, my friend.

::andreajennine::

Mrs. Hammer said...

I'm so so very sorry. {{HUGS}}

Waiting on Our Child said...

I am soooo sorry. I was really hoping this would be it. Big hugs.

Kelli said...

I woke up at 5:15 this morning and tested - and got the same result. This is no fun.

I'm sorry, sweetie. I've been praying so hard for Tab, you, and me. There is a plan...it will be amazing when it finally unfolds.

Melody said...

I'm really sorry, Hillary. I am so sad. I checked your blog twice already this morning before getting this updated post and I'm just so so sorry. Not that it will make the pain go away....but I'm hoping you guys can just do something special or fun or different this weekend together. Praying for you these next few hours/ days/weeks. Love, Melody

Life Happens said...

I'm so sorry you saw that ugly single line! Are you going to get blood work done to confirm your single line??

Sending you hugs!!

Summer @ B is for Brown said...

boy oh boy. i just said, "oh no", out loud for all of my office to hear. i wanted a BFP for you! it will come. big hugs.

finding_ac said...

i keep thinking, what if its too early to test? what is the last possible day for a positive for you? i wouldnt give up hope till then.

gah!

♥ ac

Betty Rubble said...

Crud. I'm sorry....

Courtney said...

I had a BFN this morning too! Not fun.

Rachel said...

grr... I am so sry!

Jendeis said...

I'm so sorry sweetie. It just stinks.

I am so thankful, however, that my friend has such a good and loving helpmate.

Stuart and Sarah Creamer said...

So sorry! Thinking of you!!!

addingtothepack said...

I'm so sorry.
I hate the HPT mind games. Having only ever seen stark, stark white where the 2nd line should be, I wonder how it is that anyone could ever be confused about whether or not there's a line there. Stupid HPTs.

Hopefully November is our month!

Jessica said...

You are a wonderful writer and you almost made me cry. I'm so sorry about your BFN. We have to keep the faith...we WILL be moms one day. Take care.

JC said...

I'm so sorry!!

julie said...

Im so sorry about your BFN. Tomorrow is a new day, the start of a new cycle and new opportunities.
Try to stay positive and hang in there.

Find joy in every journey said...

Oh no!! I was really hoping and praying for you. I will keep the prayers coming. (((HUGS)))

jones said...

I'm sorry. I'm hoping that the hope returns quickly and that you two have a really fun, non-TCC related weekend.

Waiting said...

Oh hun, I am so sorry. I know that feeling all too well. :( Praying for you!

Jess said...

I'm so sorry! I know how it feels and I wish you weren't feeling this!

I'm glad you have a wonderful husband by your side-I know for me, it makes the pain of IF a little easier!

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