Thursday, October 1, 2009

In an instant

If I was sick, I would be praying to get better. And, in most instances, I would see signs of improvement. Fever begins to dissipate, appetite gradually returns, and some energy is restored. A brief, two day illness with a gradual and welcome return to health.

In a way, I am "sick" with infertility. It is a medical condition, and it makes me feel under the weather in many senses of the word. But this sickness lasts much longer than your average virus, to the point where my identity has begun to wrap around the word. My day to day life, thoughts, emotions, and decisions are all enmeshed with my infertility.

I think of myself as infertile. I am infertile. I am not just a person suffering with infertility, but it is a part of who I am. And as I have read so often before on other infertility blogs, I will always hold this in my heart - even if I am blessed with a pregnancy.

I am feeling so much hope and joy as this cycle begins, and am praying for a miracle. I have imagined what it would be like to see that elusive second line, and have allowed myself brief moments of enjoying those joyful, imagined feelings. But what about the moments after that initial moment? When you're suddenly not infertile in the original sense of the word?

Today I suddenly realized just how strange this all is. That, really, in just an instant, one can go from infertile to pregnant. One day you're expecting the arrival of your period, and the next you get a positive home pregnancy test. There is no transition, no warning. Month after month I hope and pray, and for the vast majority of those months the results are negative. But I am not looking for a 'majority win' here -- only ONE positive out of however many negatives counts.

It's mind boggling, really. And beautiful. And oh-so-hopeful.

10 comments:

Aussie Girl said...

Hi. Isn't hope a wonderful thing? I don't know what we'd do without it. I notice you've started your second IUI, we're part way through our third. Best of luck and God's blessings on you. :)

c by the sea said...

you always have such kind and supportive words for all. i really hope this is your month. i am praying for you that your hope sticks around and your life changes in an instant.

entrusted said...

It's so true! We were talking with a friend recently about how unique the trial of infertility in that sense; most trials gradually end, but infertility ends with a sudden reversal. To be honest, it's a bit disorienting... but oh so joyful. I'm praying you get to experience that soon.
::andreajennine::

WantWait&Pray said...

This is very true...though I believe this infertility journey will always be apart of me. And while you're right, things change in an INSTANT...your mind does not. So, as a fellow infertile turned pregnant- I can't wrap my mind around the fact that this actually worked. It's very strange and I am praying that God would continue reassure me...but it's the craziest thing......not at all how I imagined I'd feel. I'm praying for you, and praying that would see those two pink lines SOON!!!!

Courtney said...

I gave you an award on my blog. Congrats and enjoy your weekend!

A baby for Al? said...

Well said. I hope you get to that crazy other side very soon.

Good luck!

A said...

I definitely agree that it's mind boggling and beautiful. What is even more beautiful to me is that one cycle, while we're hoping and praying, God WILL be creating a new soul for all of eternity, without our really even knowing. Just extrapolate that out to the other ways He works in our lives without us really knowing- He is such an awesome God!

Kacy said...

Wow, that was a really great post. Thank you.

www.infertilityinstability.blogspot.com

Kelli said...

It is wonderful!! I'm hoping and praying for that instantaneous moment to happen for you soon!! ((HUGS!))

Wait, What? said...

Way to keep hope!