Sunday, September 27, 2009

Daydreams

Today marks the day I earnestly begin the wait for my period. After a year and a half of trying to conceive....21 cycles...I have mostly done away with the fleeting, "Maybe I am pregnant!?" thoughts that I had at this point in my cycle in the earlier days. Instead, I now want my period to arrive so that we can start our IUI cycle. C'mon, AF!

However, I do catch myself still daydreaming about being late. And then, on a whim, taking a pregnancy test. And then seeing a second line. And then, while crying joyful tears, showing DH the second line and rejoicing with him. Really, the day dream is the same each month and continues cycle after cycle.

The dream is almost the same as it was in those early days of trying to conceive, too. I would probably have tested before I was late in all my excitement, but the scene would play out much the same...same pregnancy test, same tears of joy, same celebration with DH.

But....so not the same. Incredible surprise, miracle pregnancy test. Huge, gasping tears of miraculous joy. Amazing, deep rejoicing with DH. No, if we are blessed with a positive pregnancy test it will not be the same as I once thought it would be. We have prayed, we have waited, we have suffered, we have longed with great longing....the joy, therefore, must be more profound.

16 comments:

Shanny said...

I really hope your dream comes true very very soon!

Jess said...

I'm praying your dream comes true very soon my friend! I know how much you have suffered and I can't wait until your next IUI and hopefully a BFP!

babyparamore.blogspot.com

gringa78 said...

I have that daydream too...and I know you're right about it being more profound than we ever imagined.

MK said...

I love your posts. I know the feeling of intense hope, only to be crushed every month.
It's actually worse since I actually GOT a bfp and miscarried because I find myself remembering how blissfully happy I was, and how badly I want that feeling again.
I can't wait for you to get that BFP someday. And you will! :)

A baby for Al? said...

Beautiful post, and so true.

I hope you feel that feeling of pure bliss at two little lines on a pregnancy test very soon.

Courtney said...

I hope AF comes soon!! I agree that after suffering through IF, when that day finally comes and you get to see that BFP you will experience a joy that would be impossible if it weren't for all that you went through to get there. Praying for you!

Waiting said...

I hope you get to experience that profound joy very very soon. I totally understand what you mean though, after all of this dissapointment, I know the day I will celebrate will be much different than it would have looked like 2 years ago!

Kelli said...

It is a moment you dream about now and a moment you will remember forever...hoping you will experience that joy very, very soon!!!

addingtothepack said...

I know that the joy will be greater, but it is hard to let go of the daydreams surrounding surprising my DH with an unexpected positive test. Now we are both so aware of where we are in each treatment cycle that there's no way either of us will be surprised in that way.

Hope you get your joy soon.

Betty Rubble said...

You are more right than you know!

Hugs.

Caroline said...

Hey Hillary,

I just wanted to let you know that I follow your blog, and I am cheering for you.

I have shut down my old blog and started another one...caroline-frominfertilitytobaby.blogspot.com

Please don't feel you have to read it - I just wanted to let you know.

Hugs to you,

C xx

A said...

I totally know what you're talking about- the magnitude of the thankfuless/humility/joy that I think I'll feel is almost unimaginable. So different than the superficial joy that I think would have been felt on cycle 2. I'm right there with you as far as expecting AF- let's give these needles a chance to shine!

FET Accompli said...

So true - I never would have appreciated it in the same way had I not been through everything...

Leah said...

Hope is always a good thing, and I know you are more expecting your AF than anything else, I do hope that you are pregnant. :-D

TreasureHunter said...

I hope your dream comes true soon.
I sympathize with you. Even though we have our initial consult scheduled I keep hoping that I will become pregnant before then.

Good luck!

Rambler said...

I daydream a lot too. Of seeing that positive test. Of the day I get to share this news with my relatives and friends. Of everything that others take for granted and expect to happen to them.

I love your last paragraph. So true, so honest. The day that daydream becomes a life reality, it will be that more profound.