Monday, August 24, 2009

Plans

I think I am seeking to come to a place of acceptance that life has suddenly not gone "as planned." Prior to infertility, all of the big milestones I had hoped for did come to pass. I know this is rare, and I have lived a very blessed and simple life. Go to college: check. Get teaching credential: check. Meet the love of your life and get married: check. Buy a house: check. Have a baby....??

Of course, there were bumps and changes along the way. My parents could not afford to send me to the college I wanted to go to, so I went to a school that wasn't my "dream school." But God blessed me tremendously there and I am so glad it is where I ended up. I would have loved to have dated throughout college, but didn't meet my DH until my junior year and we started dating one month before I graduated. Again, this felt like a small shift, and I was blessed to make some wonderful friendships in my single years, and DH was worth the wait. Teaching...well, as I've said before that didn't end up being a profession I wanted to continue pursuing. And that was a difficult choice to make, but it did feel somewhat within my control.

But now as I face infertility, I feel like it is truly affecting the trajectory of my life. My path is being altered as I type, and all I can do is take one step forward at a time without knowing how many curves, bumps, or even road blocks lie ahead. I am wrestling with what this means for me as a person with goals and dreams. I am wrestling with this as a person who likes to plan everything -- from my weekend ahead to Christmas gifts year round to what our family would look like.

Most importantly, I am wrestling with what this means for me as a person of faith. Clearly, I am not in control. As much as I plan, strive, and yearn, I am not the giver of life. I have talked to and read about many people who face the difficulties, disappointments, and sufferings of life and say they cannot believe in a God who lets these things happen. However, as I wrestle with all of this I can see more and more that I am not in control and am thankful that someone is. And that "someone" is not a random person out there, but is my loving Father. What great comfort for me to know that there is a purpose to the events of my life, however they unfold. And he is glorified as I walk each blind step with him, in faith.

Truly, I am walking in faith today more than I think I ever have before. Walking in the midst of the unknown is a struggle, but it is growing me. And I don't mean walking in faith that God will give me a baby. I am walking in faith trusting in his plan for my life and the hope of a life spent with him.

21 comments:

Betty Rubble said...

What a lovely post!

Melis.sa said...

I think Jeremiah 27:11 is going to be my daily motto.

((HUG))

how is the work situation?

The Wife said...

I totally get the whole plan and goals. I thought I had my whole life figured out and then things always seem to "shift." It's great that you can take comfort in know our Father is there. I will continue keeping you all in my prayers.

Leah said...

I just wrote my blog post today all about realizing I'm not in control.

I have lived a very blessed life very much like you. My life was really going as planned in terms of the whole college, get married to wonderful man, buy a house thing. So when this baby thing didn't go as planned, it temporarily ruined my entire world.

It IS a good feeling to know that someone is in control. I still struggle on certain days, but I have faith in the fact that there is some reason I was chosen to go through this. I will become a better person after it. This is where my faith is.

I know the same thing for you. You are a young, beautiful woman with a lot to offer this world. I have high hopes for you. :-D

Kacy said...

Wow. That was awesome. Sometimes in my own life I also feel that way, but it never really came very clear to me until I read your post. Thanks.

www.infertilityinstability.blogspot.com

Tabitha said...

I agree. I'm so greatful that God has used infertility to bring me closer to Him, growing me in faith and patience!

A said...

I know that my faith has grown IMMENSELY just because of this journey. I know for a fact that I would have never become the follower of Christ that I am today without this test. When things get frustrating, I remind myself of the corny saying that "there is no testimony with out a 'test'!"

Praying for you!

Courtney said...

You are awesome! Hold tight to your faith and the fact that God is in control. I know it doesn't make this journey any easier but it will all be worth it one day. Praying for you!

Jess said...

What a wonderful post and a great way to praise God! On the way to school today I apologized to God and promised to write a post about that praised him! Like you I had plans and like you, they didn't turn out the way I had wanted, but I know now that had my plans turned out the way I wanted, I wouldn't have all the other stuff that I have. Had you gone to the college you wanted, you would have never met your wonderful husband! I don't know why God makes some of us infertile and while he makes others fertile but I know it is in his plans for us and someday we will know why! I love knowing that the person in control loves me more than anything in this world and wants me to be happy but he also wants me to trust him and have patience! :)

babyparamore.blogspot.com

entrusted said...

"I am not in control and am thankful that someone is. And that 'someone' is not a random person out there, but is my loving Father."

I love the way you put this.

Missy said...

Great post. I also struggle with issues of faith as I struggle with IF. I like how you phrased it as trusting his plan for our lives, rather than where I've been of trying to figure out what purpose this serves and why this is a struggle I have to go through. I guess some questions are not really meant to have answers.

Hannah said...

Funny how life happens when we're making other plans. Infertility is such a hard journey, but it's also a journey that draws us closer to God. We become better through out trials and if we stay on the faithful path, He will bless us.

Stay strong, but most importantly, stay close to God.

Kelli said...

This fits with the "We plan, God laughs" phrase that was always funny until infertility hit. I am slowly coming out of my "funk" and reaching out to God for comfort and peace...He is using your blog to get me to that point. Thanks, hun. xo

Indy said...

I loved this post! You are absolutely right about being able to know that not just anyone is in control but God almighty...He is certainly using you to encourage others including me. =)

God bless you sister...keep the faith!

Beautiful Mess said...

HAPPY ICLW!

It's hard to realize when our plans do go as we want them to go. I am so happy that you have faith that all will turn out. I wish for your dreams to come true and for you to have peace throughout your journey.
*HUGS*

Find joy in every journey said...

Beautiful!

Mrs. Hammer said...

I relate so much to what you posted. I too am a huge planner and this has been so hard. Hammer has had to tell me time and time again, "you know what makes God laugh? when we make plans" Its so true! And why would we think that our plan is better than His? He is growing you into an even stronger woman of faith!

livingandlearninglifeslessons said...

i just stumbled across your blog and this blog post was exactly what i need to hear today. I needed a reminder to trust in the unknown because HE has a plan for us. which is hard to swallow for those of us who are such planners. Thank you for this post today. You have now got a dedicated follower!
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding and he will set your paths straight." Proverb 3:5

becomingwhole said...

Beautiful post.

Nobody is EVER in control, but people like to live under the illusion that they (we?) are. The thing about IF (or accidents, or illness, or any number of other things) is that it hits us right back in the face with that knowledge that we're not in control. Getting comfortable with that knowledge is a good place to be. (Until we forget and get smacked in the face again.)

A baby for Al? said...

Such a beautiful post.

I'm right there with you, trying to come to terms that this isn't something that I can control, no matter how much I want it or think that I'm meant to be a mother.

Hang in there.

~Al

Kate said...

Great post- this has been a constant struggle for me too. Balancing my faith with my struggle. The lack of control is the toughest part of this all.