Monday, August 10, 2009

Oh, the possibility!

Last night (Sunday) my hopes of a positive pregnancy test kicked into high gear. I think I had done a fairly decent job of not thinking about the fact that I was in the two week wait. I was living life, feeling good, not spotting, experiencing almost no "symptoms" or side effects, and hopeful from a distance.

And then last night, my boobs started hurting. And as much as I tell myself it's just the progesterone I'm taking...the boob pain made me blissfully hopeful that I could be pregnant. There was no going back. I am ecstatic every time I see the lack of any blood when I go to the bathroom. I keep pressing on my boobs when I am alone in a room, even at work, and think happy little thoughts every time they still hurt.

I am experiencing the joy of the possibility of being pregnant. I have imagined getting that positive test and let myself feel a small sliver of those happy feelings. I thought the two week wait would be stressful, but I don't want it to end! For the first time, I don't have any spotting or crashing temperatures to steal my hope these last few days. Nothing has put a damper on the possibility of being pregnant!

DH has even joined in the excitement. Everyday I update him about my lack of spotting, and I see the hope in his eyes, too. Last night he actually spent 10 minutes trying to convince me to pee on a stick! Seriously, my DH did that! I held strong, though. Why ruin my care-free, possibly pregnant state with a BFN that *could* have just been taken too early?

Even if I am not pregnant, I will still be happy that I had such a long, spot-free luteal phase, part of me wants to say. But that is a lie -- I won't be happy! Of course, I am thankful for the positive changes the medicine has done in my body...and it will make me more hopeful for the next cycle. But in the face of a negative pregnancy test, there will be no comparison of emotions and I don't think I will care.

And as I sit here in my joyful, possibly pregnant state I wonder how far I am setting myself up to fall. I feel like I couldn't help it. I tried to be careful.

Today: 11 days past ovulation. 12 days past IUI. 13 days past trigger. No spotting. Blissfully, happily, possibly pregnant. Scared of the fall.

Thinking of testing on Wednesday. No beta scheduled (I have no instructions from my RE).

Can I just stay here instead?

22 comments:

addingtothepack said...

Thanks for leaving me a comment, I'm excited to find someone who is at a very similar stage.

After so many natural cycles where always I had little hope that I was pregnant, the 2WW after an IUI was MUCH more fun. I mean, afterall, I'd actually ovulated for starters.

I hope you get to experience this joy for much longer than 2 weeks...9 months or so. :)

Nichole said...

Total ditto addingtothepack! Hope this bliss lasts 9 more months!

Melis.sa said...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! When are you testing??????

A said...

I'm with you on waiting to test. It's not even the disappointment of BFN's anymore- it's the feeling of wasting the darn test! I will be praying for you - PTL for no spotting!!!

Infertility is Hard said...

Oh, I am SO hopeful for you!!! I really really hope you are pregnant, and I think there is such a big possibility that you are. :-D

And nice work holding off on the pregnancy test. You are a strong woman! :-D

The Swann's said...

Oh how exciting that NO spotting!!!!! :-) I am hoping and praying that you, as well as the others, experience this bliss for the rest of your life!!!!

BTW- ROFL at A's comment! I totally agree with being over the BFN's but feeling bad for wasting yet another stupid test!!! haha!

Anonymous said...

SO well written. Thank you. :) And I am almost in exactly the same situation! I am testing tomorrow. Today AF was due and no flow and no spotting!!!!

Sorry, but I know how you're feeling and I totally agree. Right now I am enjoying the "possibility" of being pregnant. Thanks again for your great post.

Lara (from The Bump)

jeanna said...

GL GL GL!!! Fingers crossed for you!!!

Courtney said...

I hope you get to see your BFP soon!!

Hannah Ngo-Whitcomb said...

Praying for your BFP! Enjoy the bliss. Can't wait for the update.

Erica said...

Oh, what a place you're in. Hope is an amazing state of being, isn't it? I am containing my squeals over here, but am so happy that you haven't spotted at all. What a great sign for a potential pregnancy AND a positive reaction to the meds! Here's to hoping the bbs stay sore as hell!

Oh yeah, the doctor didn't tell you when to test? You might want to call so that you don't test too soon. Okay, that's all I'm going to say on that matter. Good luck, Hillary! I'm pulling for you. :)

Holly said...

Good luck!! I have everything crossed for you.

Holly

finding_ac said...

i love it when i can hear other women admitting to doing things i do, i dont feel so nutzo then. The smooshing the boobs thing...i hear you there, i do it when i think i am pregs and maan it is so weird that it makes me happy when they do hurt.lol

♥ac

Mrs. Hammer said...

Yes, stay here as long as you like. :) I wish it was that easy but I'll be praying that it is!!!

SassyIfLady said...

You're in my thoughts! Fingers are CROSSESD! Take care of yourself! :-)

jones said...

I've been right as you described . . . soaring with possibility. enjoy it. and the lack of spotting is truly a good thing regardless of the ultimate outcome.

Silya said...

I am hopeful for you as well. It's good to be hopeful, and to focus on the positive of no spotting!

WantWait&Pray said...

Oh my goodness girl....you HAVE to test! I am so excited for you! How amazing would it be after the whole spring/summer of ups/downs of learning more and more about your body to get pregnant on the first IUI try? I am praying for you- can't WAIT to hear about your BFP!

Melody said...

I love how you are enjoying the process and allowing yourself to be vulnerable. There is something very sweet and innocent about that.

Somebody please tell me what BFP stands for! It's obviously a positve pregancy but for crying out loud I've read it a million times and haven't had the guts to ask because I've been through IF and IVF but it obviosly was so long ago that they've created NA's (new abbreviations)! Okay....finally got that off my chest.

womb for improvement said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog you are about ten days ahead of me but I can already identify with your ignorance is bliss stance.

Best of luck!

(And Melody, Big Fat (or another F word) Positive).

gringa78 said...

I'm thinking of you today, Hil!!!! hoping for the very, very best!!

Hope Endures said...

Praying for really great news this time!!!