Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Negative

I tested last night and this morning, and both tests were negative.

When I first tested negative last night, I felt rather numb. My emotions were subdued, but there was a deep sadness that felt too far down to come out.

Then DH & I went to visit a friend who is in the hospital. As we were leaving, we stepped out of the elevator and saw two people waving at us. We got closer and realized it was a couple we knew from church. We don't know them very well and hadn't seen them in awhile. She was visibly pregnant, but I hadn't known she was pregnant.

I tried to say the nice things people say. Congrats, when is your baby due, you look great. They were touring the hospital in preparation for the delivery. It was a brief, two minute conversation as the four of us walked through the lobby and exited the building. When we got to the front we realized we had parked in opposite directions, said good-bye, and parted ways.

The moment our backs were to them, the tears formed and fell almost instantly. DH looked at me and knew they would be there before he even saw them. And as I cried, we laughed. What were the chances that we would see anyone we knew at the hospital? And what were the chances it would be somebody who was pregnant? And that we didn't know was pregnant? As DH put it, "It was the funniest sad thing you ever saw."

I cried all the way to the car, and it felt like a release. DH took me to get frozen yogurt as a consolation prize for not being pregnant.

*******

I am trusting the Lord and his timing, and am praying I will grow in that trust even when it hurts.

Yesterday I received the welcome packet for the new RE we will be seeing, and it felt like great timing. One cycle over, one door closed, but a new door to walk through. Our appointment is September 10.

Still no spotting or signs of my period, but I'm still taking the progesterone. I figured I'd test again tomorrow and then call the RE to find out when I should stop taking the progesterone if my period hasn't arrived.

Thanks for all your well wishes and sweet encouragements throughout this cycle. I am so thankful that you are walking this journey with me.

39 comments:

ASHELY said...

oh my gosh. I am so sorry. I was really thinking this was going to be a BFP for you. You have had my prayers since we started following each others blog, and will continue to be in my prayers. God Bless!

Summer @ B is for Brown said...

I know. I know all too well, love.
I am here if you need to vent.
Praying for this next cycle for both of us. ;)

And I know how it felt when you saw her pregnant but did not know. I had that happen last week and my heart sank to my feet.

Mrs. Hammer said...

Ugh you poor thing. It's so hard to go through this without constant reminders of what we want but struggle to have. {{HUGS}}, {{HUGS}}, and more {{HUGS}} sent your way today. I pray that this new clinic is an encouragement to you and a step in the right direction.

Shanny said...

I'm so sorry =(

Jen said...

ugh! what are the odds?! geez! can't we ever get away from the preggos?! lol... i'm still taking it as a good sign that you haven't started spotting! that's a victory in itself! hang in there!

Astrid said...

I'm so sorry to hear the news but I am excited about the new beginning. Hopefully this new door will be the way into another, happier chapter.

Krystal said...

I'm so sorry, hun! I've been there more times than I care to count. I'm glad you're leaning on the Lord in this hard time. He is ever-faithful. Hopefully your new RE will be great!

jeanna said...

I am so sorry. You will continue to be in my prayers.

Stuart and Sarah Creamer said...

Thinking of you!

Tabitha said...

I'm so very sorry. BFN's are such a bummer! I'm praying for you and your future family!

ryanandjoesmom said...

I am going to be the optimist here and ask if you tested with a digital. If so, I say you go out and invest in a simple + - test or a double line test. Sometimes the digitals aren't as sensitive. If indeed this isn't your cycle, I am glad you have you appointment lined up with the RE. Hugs and prayers to you!

Melis.sa said...

I'm so sorry Hillary. I really thought this would bring a BFP. Maybe you'll have such a wonderful experience with the new RE that you'll get the BFP right away with them and then the entire experience will be lovely, and positive??

((HUGS))

Courtney said...

I am so, so sorry. I am sending you lots of prayers and (((HUGS))). I know how badly this sucks b/c I'm right there with you. We will get through this and our miracle will come.

Last Friday as we were pulling out of our driveway on our way to the RE's office for the pointless beta test (we had tested the night before and that morning so we knew I wasn't pregnant)our neighbor's mom stopped us on our street to tell us the good news. Her daughter (our neighbor) had just had their 3rd child the day before. We said all the polite things but I was fighting back the tears. As soon as we drove off I cried, and cried, and cried some more. My consulation prize was a BIG Sonic coke! I truly feel for you and I'm here if you need to vent!

Betty Rubble said...

I'm so sorry to hear that this one was a bust, but I sincerely hope that RE #2 is effective for you!

Hugs.

One Who Understands said...

I am so sorry. HUGS.

Trusting in the Lord is the best thing. It is hard when we just don't get why it is taking so long!

Well next month will be a new fresh start. Keep the faith!

WantWait&Pray said...

Oh honey...I'm so sorry. Your husband sounds so sweet...and you do need to cry it out. Cry/laugh/scream...whatever it is to get that release. Because it really sucks.
So take the time you need and then remember that God's there, holding your hand and drying your tears.
I'm sorry!

addingtothepack said...

I'm so sorry this wasn't the month for you.

I'm glad you had the packet from the new RE for one bright spot.

I was totally blindsided by a coworker sending out a "my wife had a baby yesterday" email. Those sneak attacks just suck.

finding_ac said...

definately know how that feels..it just happened to me the other day in the actual church. This girl that i was telling her how i was trying so hard to get pregs, i ask her when she is visiting me one day when her and the hubbs were gonna start trying. she tells me "uh mayber soon, we dont know, we dont think about it" cause they are the kind of people that "want to enjoy their time together before they have kids" type of people. so then she hasnt been to church in a while, because she has family in canada and they spend tons of time there...well i see her for the first time in months, and she starts rubbing her belly...and i was thinking "what the heck?? why did she look at me that way when she rubbed her belly?" my curiousity became me, and i asked another churchie why she was holding her belly, and if she was expecting...my jaw dropped as they told me that they had been expecting for a while, and she was 6 months along, and had revealed the news at camp meeting (which i didnt go to) and that they had waited that long to tell people cause they didnt want to miscarry (although they had never EVER been pregs, so it was weird of them to do that. so anyways long story short, i was completely shocked and jealous that they went before me, especially when they really werent wanting children yet.

arrgh.

oh yah, and now i feel awkward with her. That is like 3 babies in the last 4 months in the church...none of them mine.

♥ ac

Mary said...

Oh, Hillary. There just aren't words for it.

Infertility is Hard said...

So sorry Hillary. :-( What struck me the most during this post is you and your husband's ability to laugh through the tears at the irony of your hospital encounter. You two have such a wonderful relationship and I'm sure this experience will make you both stronger.

I'm still hoping it was just too early.

entrusted said...

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Kelli said...

I was really hoping this was the one for you! I'm so sorry. I hope the new RE is exactly what you are looking for and that great things happen soon!

Jess said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry! I wish you had gotten better news. I am sending you the biggest hug! I know God has a plan for you both, and I hope he reveals them soon!

babyparamore.blogspot.com

womb for improvement said...

I'm sorry I've been checking in to see how it turned out. And this is awful news. Take care.

Erica said...

I'm so sorry Hillary. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

And I like your attitude about one door closing, but another one opening. I think the change in RE is just what you need.

Find joy in every journey said...

I am so sorry. IF really sucks and then to see someone else pg, could be it worse?!?! Yikes! I hope your DH is treating you well, you really deserve it. I think that this cycle had a lot of improvements though!

Jendeis said...

I'm so sorry sweetie. I'm glad that you got the info for the new RE. You and DH need to be with people who get it. Hugs!

Parenthood For Me said...

I am so sorry for the disappointing news. Life is funny. It seems like when you are down something comes into your life to add salt to the wound. Good luck with the new RE and a new chapter

Missy said...

I'm so sorry for the BFN and unfortunate bumping into this couple at such a bad time. But with a new cycle and new RE, think of it as a fresh page you are turning.

Rebekah said...

I'm so sorry. You remain in my prayers.

barrenandbelieving said...

God is sure sharpening you and testing you with fire...you handle it so sweetly and I can only imagine how proud He is to see such beauty and trust in Him dwelling in your heart. I am so sorry it didn't happen this time. It will happen for you...He knows the desires of your heart. Praying for you.

Kacy said...

I am so sorry. Sending some ((HUGS)) your way.

www.infertilityinstability.blogspot.com

MK said...

Hi, I'm from paperbackswap. Thanks for your blog link, looks like we have a few things in common - God, infertility, age, and even days past ovulation! :D

A said...

Wow, I thought I had left a comment before! I have been praying for you regarding this cycle, but also for God to show you His face as far as what His plans for your family are!

I left you an award on my blog!

Fallopian 'Tudes said...

>:0
Oh hun.... *hug* .. how frustrating!

Hope Endures said...

I am so, so sorry. Thinking of you today.

The Wife said...

I'm so sorry. Those BFNs are just too hard to take. I was hoping this cycle would be it. I'll add in an extra prayer in for you today (and tomorrows).

jones said...

thinking of you. I know how much it hurts. But, the way that I thought started to think about was that perhaps on the progestone and spot-free, I was finally, for the first time, able to get pregnant. But just because you can get pregnant doesn't mean it'll happen the first time around. . . I'm hoping that "cycle 2" brings happier news.

Buck said...

Hi there -
Just checking in to see how you're holding up. This whole process stinks. No way around it. Wish I had something profound to say but I don't. And since you don't strike me as someone who curses, I won't curse about it either. :)

Hang in there.