Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Where I am

DH & I just got home from our two night get-away trip. It was the absolute perfect mix of rest, togetherness, romance, relaxation, and marriage building! I am so thankful. The last point may sound a little strange, but we went into our trip hoping it would be a bit of a "marriage retreat"....and it was! So intermixed with lounging at the beach with our fiction (I am re-reading Pride & Prejudice for the 100th time....), eating yummy food, soaking in the bath (not DH, of course -- poor guy!), watching a movie, and going for a bike ride, we each read a marriage book that was given to us. DH read This Momentary Marriage by John Piper, and I read Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. Both gave us great food for thought and much to talk about over meals.

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I have been feeling weepy but spiritually satisfied lately in the midst of infertility. It is difficult for me to put words to it, but I am thankful! I just tried to describe it a friend who sent me a thoughtful and sweet email, so I thought I would share my response to her today to give you all a glimpse of where I am at:

Thank you so, so much for you your prayers and sweet email. I was quite weepy myself on Sunday morning...I often am at church. I think being in worship and hearing God's word always brings that deep, painful, but soul satisfying truth into my heart of God's goodness, faithfulness, and hope in salvation in the midst of my aching heart. I feel like I am offering it up as a sacrifice, and it is GOOD but emotional. This Sunday even more so with a sermon like that! I actually did cry in the car ride home trying to explain to DH how powerful and almost strange it is to FEEL so much emotion and sadness side-by-side with believing 100% that God is the only one who satisfies. It penetrates me to the deepest parts of my soul somehow.

I don't know if that makes sense, but hopefully you can see that God is answering your prayers in the work that he is doing in my heart. Of course, I still wish it didn't have to hurt so much. :)

I am praying for all of you....and now I'm off to catch up on how YOU have been these last few days!

14 comments:

Melody said...

I want to check out Piper's book on marriage....I love him and wasn't aware of this book.

By the way.....I think you are the poster child of walking through IF and trusting God and being interested in others and just being a really cool person all at the same time.

Michelle said...

So glad you and your hubby had a great weekend! You deserve it. Happy ICLW week! :)
~Michelle

Melissa said...

what a lovely weekend! It's so awesome that you and your dh can read books and discuss them and work on your marriage at the same time. That's so refreshing. I know what you mean about the pain (of IF) and the joy & love of God. I have finally tossed my hands up after a long prayer/rambling conversation with God. ((HUGS))

Tabitha said...

What a deep and gorgeous post! I know exactly what your talking about, and I'm praying for you!!

Kelli said...

I'm so glad you and your hubs had such a wonderful weekend together! Your heart seems to be in such a great place and I am always encouraged by your strength and faith in the midst of all that IF brings. Thank you!!

girlykat said...

I think all of us in the IF struggle can share your feelings. I love your email to your friend, so well put, especially the end, "I still wish it didn't have to hurt so much." It just hurts.
~ICLW~

A said...

Thanks for leaving the names of the books you read- what a wonderful idea to create a mini-marriage retreat for yourselves!! I think your description of "weepy but spiritually satisfied" is perfect :) I can definitely identify with feeling that way!

Infertility is Hard said...

First of all, I just have to say, you are my kind of girl. :-D I've also read Pride and Prejudice about 100 times, and the love story of Mr. Darcy and Ms. Bennett just never gets old. :-D

I'm so glad you had a nice time away. And what a wonderful idea to read books on marriage and then share your thoughts with your husband. It is obvious you two have a wonderful and supportive relationship.

Kristin said...

As much as infertility sucks, my experience with it ultimately made my faith stronger. I'm glad that you still have a strong faith and can still see God's good work despite the pain you are experiencing.

On another note, I was looking at your TTC history and noticed your progesterone. Does your Doc have plans to put you on progesterone supplements? I ended up on them (starting at 3 dpo) after my OB found a level of 8.2

Courtney said...

I love your email response to your friend. I have also found myself becoming more emotional in church as we have traveled down this path of infertility. I think being emotional during worship is a true sign of your connection with God and it gives me comfort because I really feel like He is right there with me. Good luck with your journey. I'll keep you in my prayers!

Katie said...

I am so glad y'all had a good time! Going away with the husband, especially a low key couple of days, does WONDERS. :)
ICLW

Lisa RM said...

So glad that the trip away was helpful.

Hope Endures said...

It sounds like your get-away trip was exactly what you needed! I'm glad you had such a great time. Pride and Prejudice...one of my favorite stories...soooo good!!

Your email response is beautiful. It never ceases to amaze me how peace and pain and joy and sadness can all occupy the same space...praying much for you, and that this season of pain soon passes.

entrusted said...

Ah, I've so felt the way you describe in the email - especially in church, like you point out!