Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Stark white

I think my period is "officially late" today....well, as official as it can be without even knowing when I ovulated. But today is cycle day 30, and I have never had a cycle day 30 before. Hope sprung up, and I caught myself fantasizing about the moment I would see 2 lines and imagining myself pregnant.

However, I have had two days in a row of single-lined, stark white pregnancy tests. I began to wonder...which is worse, waiting, waiting, and waiting for that expected period, or a negative pee stick?

As I stared at the first single-lined stick yesterday, I wished I had just waited for the red flow to come. A BFN is such a blow and insult. The starkness of the white side taunted me, "Seeeee....you're NOT pregnant! Why would you even think that?!"

But as the day progressed and there was still no period in sight, I became thankful that I had taken that test in the morning. Otherwise, I knew I would be driving myself crazy hoping, hoping, and more hoping that I was indeed pregnant. But because of that negative test, I made it through most of the day without more than a , "Huh, no period yet...." thought.

The downside of the negative pee stick is that hope can return far too easily. It ain't over 'til it's over, as they say. And with no period to end the wait...I began to hope that, perhaps, the stick hadn't shown my truly pregnant status yet. It was too early. The pee sticks are cruel in how they allow hope to creep in and out.

This morning I peed once again on a home pregnancy test, and was met with the same stark whiteness on the side where I was hoping for a faint hint of color. I'm not pregnant.

After getting ready for work, I did go back and look at that pee stick again with an ounce of hope left in me. Still white, still nothing. And into the trash it went, along with my hope for this cycle.

*****
I have three theories:
1. I did have some bright red "spotting" last week (Monday?). Maybe that was actually my period, although I have never confused the spotting with a period. It just wasn't heavy enough and there were no cramps. But, I am leaning towards this theory now and will take my temperature tomorrow to see if it is pre- or post-ovulation. I could be on cd 10 today!?!
2. Maybe I just ovulated later than normal this cycle. I was traveling and with a cabin full of girls, so that could have delayed things.
3. Did I have an anovulatory cycle? I've never had one of those, but there's always a first time and my cycles are weird. I wouldn't put it past them.

17 comments:

jones said...

Bah! I had given up peeing on sticks a while back. Just so damn frustrating to see that lone pink line against the white as white background. but, this cycle, i had *medicine* on my side and started peeing at DPO 9. nothing. DP0 11. nothing. DPO 13. nothing. DPO 16. nothing. I was using the early sticks. I *knew* that it didn’t work out this past cycle, but the lack of spotting was such a first that I kept holding out hope.

I hope that you can confirm that you are actually into a new cycle and that this cycle your lone pink line gets a buddy!

Fallopian 'Tudes said...

Hang in there. Don't blame yourself for POAS, otherwise you'd have your hopes up much MUCH higher right now and it would be that much more crushing if it weren't meant to be this cycle. I have my fingers crossed for you though!

Betty Rubble said...

Blah...I hate these "am I" or aren't I cycles.

My longest was 52 days long! Of course AF showed the day I finally tested!

Ok bright red spotting...could have been ovulation. You can spot during ovulation.

OR alternately implantation...which would make it 5-7 dpo depending on "version" of last week.

So while I'm not trying to blow smoke with platitudes I'm taking the "niave" status of It ain't over till the fat lady sings, and well I'm not warming up yet!

The Wife said...

I often war with whether or not to POAS. I think beforehand that I just couldn't see another BFN but then I do and a sense of calm comes over me (after the initial heartbreak) that makes waiting for AF a little bit easier. I'm sorry this cycle didn't work out for you but I'm hopeful for next cycle!

K8e said...

Well as you said it's not over till it's over! Until you see AF you never know! It takes awhile sometimes for POAS to register the hormones! I would wait two days and then test again! I look at the tests in the trash about 50 times (I have never gotten a + one either obviously). The red spotting if was ovulation or implantation would still take awhile to register! GL!
GL! Hold out some hope!

Infertility is Hard said...

How frustrating! I hope you figure out what is going on soon. And of course I hope that you are truly pregnant, and that it's just too early to register on the home pregnancy test. I have a lot of for you girl. :-D

strongblonde said...

arg. i buy all of your theories. that is what sucks a lot about IF: you have to try to retrospectively analyze data in order to get answers. wouldn't it be nice to know *in advance* if you are going to have a longer/shorter cycle/etc??

A said...

BLAH. BFN's right before AF comes are the worst, but then again, I think all BFN's fit that bill! I'm sorry that you're caught not knowing- hopefully either you'll get a positive tomorrow or AF will come and you can get the next show on the road! (For my own sanity, I always hope for the latter and the new chance for success!)

Kelli said...

Those darned pee sticks - they are my worst enemy! My longest cycle was 32 days and I held out hope until that dreaded flow began. I'm hoping for you, too! Either way I pray you get your answer soon so you can breathe a little easier! xo

Caroline said...

Hi Hillary - Hugs to you.

Whenever I had a long cycle I would POAS and never saw a positive result. My cycle was irregular and could range from 24 to 36 days - it was so frustrating and upsetting.

I am thinking of you. x

Amanda said...

I love/hate BBTing, but this is one of those situations where knowing your temps really pays off. It all sounds very confusing... having the personal experience I have had, I think BFNs are better than anovulatory cycles (b/c then you have to induce a flow, adding insult to injury so to speak) so I really hope your body isn't pulling a new trick on you. I hope the bbt clears things up. If it doesn't, you might get a progesterone draw. Also, if your HPTs are internet cheapies, it might be that you just haven't tested positive yet, so maybe there is still hope.

finding_ac said...

im sorry, but i am voting that it was implantation bleeding.

♥ ac

Indy said...

I'm sorry...I totally understand how you feel. As a matter of fact, today I let it all out on God in my devotional...hoping to hear from him throughout the day (I really need it).

I found this yesterday and think you can probably relate to it...go check it out here.
http://stufffchristianslike.blogspot.com/2009/07/575-refusing-gift-of-desert-road.html

Amber said...

So sorry to hear about the - test but like you said its not over until AF makes her appearance:)

Mrs. Hammer said...

Hi Hillary,

Yes it was fun to finally see two lines even though it was drug induced. I just hope and pray that's not the last time I see it!

Erica said...

This post left a lump in my throat. I can remember looking at pee sticks with that "hope" you mention, willing it to show two lines or a plus sign or the digital "pregnant" read. Nothing. I specifically remember this one time...my heart was beating so hard and fast, it felt like it was jumping out of my chest. I couldn't bring myself to look. It was the longest 3 minutes I ever waited!!! When I finally looked and saw "not pregnant," I headed back to bed where DH was waiting with hopeful anticipation. I told him it was negative and then proceeded to pretend that it was okay. God, I did that whole, "it's okay" charade for so long. I think I wanted to protect him. Then I'd roll over and the silent tears would spill. I know you get it.

I still hate pee sticks and always, always, always will! I hope you figure out what's up with AF soon.

Missy said...

I feel the same way about pee sticks. I feel like they may as well make digitals one that read "Duh, of course you're not pregnant, why would you even think it?"