Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Horrible day

There were so many new developments today that I don't even know where to begin. I'm sorry if this post is all over the place....

So remember how yesterday I said I had EWCM but got a negative OPK (line was too light)? Well, this morning I woke up to a pretty big temp jump (from 97.23 to 97.58). Of course, I started to wonder if I had already ovulated and posted on the nest. People said temps can be weird on clomid so I let myself forget about it. Plus, if I already had, nothing would be done about it anyway.

DH & I showed up for our appointment with Dr. RE at 4:30pm, and we were the last appointment of the day. I was expecting it to be a "talk only" appointment to go over is plan for treatments, and brought a list of all my questions that have been swimming around in my mind all these months. However, as I signed in the receptionist told me the Dr. wanted to do a post-surgery SHG and gave me the pee cup so they could do a pregnancy test before the procedure. Ok...I wished they had told me that before coming in, since I had JUST gone to the bathroom 5 minutes before going in. She gave me a bottle of water to drink.

So I went to the bathroom and TRIED with all my might to go pee. I got super stressed out and almost started crying in the bathroom. I know it doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but seriously -- I think telling someone they HAVE to pee on an empty bladder is almost a form of torture. And I was so hopeful and anxious for this long awaited appointment/ cycle that I wanted it to go right. I ended up giving up and was starting to feel very stressed...

We went into Dr. RE's office to talk (and figured I would try again to pee after the meeting). I was told by the receptionist that the doctor wanted to go over my post-surgery report, but he had nothing to really say about that. Or about anything. I felt more stressed. I started asking all my questions, and his answers were vague, noncommittal, and...well, I could have learned more from google. I tried to tell him about my weird cycles -- ovulating early, spotting, short cycles -- and I didn't think he really listened. Shouldn't these things I'm telling him inform his decisions about my treatment?? My stress grew.

And then I tried to pee again, but I was so stressed I don't think I could relax the right muscles. I could feel the pressure in my bladder but I just.couldn't.go. and I was so stressed about not going. I have no idea what time it is at this point (I would guess 5:15pm), but I could sense that everyone just wanted to go home for the day, and that me and my silly first IUI cycle and lack of peeing was keeping them from going home.

Since I couldn't pee they said they wouldn't do an SHG -- just a regular ultrasound. I was happy that they could at least tell if I was approaching ovulation, since I was worried about ovulating too early. Sure enough, I had a 22mm follicle that Dr. RE said was "about to ovulate." Yes, this is on cd 8. I feel like a freak. But ok...Dr. RE said it doesn't matter that it's early, and said to go home and use OPK's.

And I was confused. If I'm about to ovulate wouldn't I just do an IUI soon, I asked? Then he offered to just do the OPK at the office right then....if I thought I could pee. I did manage to pee but my urine was sooooo diluted (almost clear) that I didn't trust that the OPK would be accurate. The nurse did the OPK and said the line was too light so it's negative. I asked her if the clomid could effect the OPK's and give a false reading, and she said you should start using OPK's on cd 10. I reminded her that I am on cycle day EIGHT and that I just had a huge follicle, and told her I tend to ovulate early. She acted confused and went to find the doctor (who I later discovered was changing out of his work clothes so he could head home).

Dr. RE, I guess, told her to give me an HCG shot. This is where it all gets fuzzy and I don't know who told who what and when. The nurse got the nurse practitioner involved (since I think the RE had passed the baton to them now), and they talked for 5 minutes while I just stood in the hallway mostly unable to hear what they said but could tell they weren't exactly sure what was going on. The NP called me into her office and said, "So Hillary, what's going on?" Seriously, she asked me! Shouldn't the RE and/or the nurse have been able to communicate everything to her!? So I rehashed all the information I knew, and she said they wanted to give me an HCG shot and do an IUI the next day. She asked me who was doing my IUI? Um...what?!? YOU ARE! I wanted to scream....but I said it calmly. She said a NP who works in our town does them for their office (the same one I've gotten my u/s from). Which could very well be fine, but how is this any better than going to an ob/gyn for an IUI? They don't seem to be doing much for me, here.

Somewhere in this meeting the RE came in and she confirmed with him about the HCG shot and he gave me some weird kind of high-five. I saw him a couple minutes later in the hallway and he patted my shoulder and told me I needed to relax. Awesome, thanks doc. He passed by my poor DH who was waiting in the lobby all that time, and told him to try to help me relax.

By this time it was about 6:00pm and the NP gave me the HCG injection. I had to ask her all these questions to get the details about what I was supposed to do the next day, and I honestly feel like if I hadn't asked I would have come home clueless.

By 6:30 DH & I were leaving. Finally. I was so tense and stressed. We grabbed something to eat and I vented the whole time about all the things that felt strange and wrong about our appointment and cycle. I felt like if I didn't ask the questions or know all that I know from reading blogs and Dr. Google, I would be SO LOST. I still feel lost. And I don't think I should feel like that when under the care of an RE. I don't feel like he or his staff read my charts -- that I have to explain everything to them. I don't feel like anything is done specific to me, that this is just a one set course for all and I'm just along for the ride. Granted, I know this is my first cycle so he had to just start somewhere, but I don't feel like his patient. I don't even know how to put it all into words. Nothing specific was horrible, but the whole experience was horrible. I left feeling like I don't trust them. DH left so mad. He called his parents and told them how awful he thought the Dr. and staff treated me and he is refusing to go back there. We figured we'd do our IUI tomorrow and that's it. We'll find a new RE.

Then we got home and I was very emotional and sad. I suddenly remembered my temp jump from this morning, and had a new freakout that I could have already ovulated and they didn't even pick up on it. I know this is kind of ridiculous, but like I said I don't feel like I trust them. I told this to DH and he got even more angry and said we weren't doing the IUI tomorrow. He doesn't trust them, feels like they screwed up their chance at being our doctor, everything felt too off, and why waste the money to do the IUI if I might have already ovulated anyway? Of course, this set me off even more and we had a little fight -- I want to finish the cycle. I figured I'd already put clomid & HCG in my body, paid for the meds and ultrasound, dealt with that appointment...I wanted to complete the cycle. We ended up calling my ILs to get a third-party, less emotional perspective and they helped us come to an agreement about doing the IUI tomorrow.

So I guess we're doing it. I'm not excited. Something about this whole experience just makes me want it all to be over.

One HUGE, HUGE blessing is that I actually DID have this appointment today. I had scheduled it 2 weeks ago before we ever knew were were doing an IUI cycle. I had wanted the appointment to be sooner and had been upset about waiting for it....but if it had not been today I think I would have definitely missed my ovulation. I would have been devastated to miss our first treatment cycle, and I would have had to start a whole new cycle with this RE. Now we can just make a break. And, despite my negative emotions, I am thankful for this.

I don't feel very hopeful about this cycle tonight -- it just feels all wrong. But I can't help but hope and pray that we get a miracle out of it. Mostly for the baby part, of course, but it would also be wonderful to not have to find a new RE and do all this all over.


Jess said...

Are you kidding me? If you weren't so far into your cycle (clomid & HCG in my body, paid for the meds and ultrasound, dealt with that appointment), I'd tell you to walk away! I'm so furious for you! You'd think with all the money your spending, they would give you better care. Don't they realize how hard this all is and then for them to be incompetent just adds to it. I'm praying that it all works out regardless of this horrible experience. Big Hugs!


A said...

Wow, that is crazy about your appointment...not to mention such a huge follicle on cd8! I am so sorry about their lack of bedside manner and the fact that they didn't seem to answer/listen to your questions and concerns. I will be praying for your IUI today!

Anonymous said...

Oh honey that is an AWFUL first appointment!

I'm not trying to blow smoke, just trying to put your mind at ease.

IF you had already ovulated the follicle would have been in a collapsed state, not round and black.

With the HCG you will ovulate within 24-36 hours.

Lastly and forgive me if you have done the Ovidrel HCG before, but you will show + on an HPT up to 10 days post ovulation--though that is stretching it. So while its tempting don't test until 14 dpo.

Hugs to you. I'm glad that you are being proactive and firing this jerk, and getting a new one! Your treatment was TERRIBLE!

Jen said...

oh hillary! that's HORRIBLE! i'm so sorry that your appointment went that way. i was so happy to get to the part where you said you were going to find a new RE after this IUI b/c that's exactly what i was going to say you needed to do! you should not be so confused and in the dark with the RE. and when you're there you shouldn't have to feel like he's not listening or not caring. and i HATE it when the nurses don't know what's going on... i've experienced that before where they asked ME what i was going to have done today... i'm like, heck if i know! i'm not the doc!!! grrr! i'm so sorry. i hope the biggest blessing in the world comes out of this!

TheDales said...

Oh, Honey!! I’m so sorry you had to go through an appointment like this. What you've decided to do after this IUI is exactly what my advice would be - if you don’t feel comfortable with your doctor and his staff then find a new RE. You don’t want to go through this each time you cycle. What infertiles go through all together is a lot – you don’t need an incompetent doctor to go along with IF. Of course, I hope your IUI works today and you can give your RE a big ole FU!

Also, the previous poster is correct. If you did ovulate already the follicle would have collapsed.

Mrs. Hammer said...

I'm so sorry you both had to go through that. I agree that you need to find a new RE. But the girls are right, you did not ovulate because you had a full follicle. So I would do the IUI and then don't look back. And remember that the HCG shot will not be out of you system for 10 days POST injection.

Will they do a 7dp IUI progesterone on you? If not demand it because you have documented issues with progesterone. You should advocate for some suppositories just in case.

Missy said...

Oh, that is horrible. I would have done the same thing as you and just finish out the cycle since you are already so far along. But get thee to a new RE pronto! This doctor does not deserve your business.

Melissa said...

I definitely think you guys are making the best decisions ie do the IUI and then if it doesn't work find a new RE.

That entire appt is BS. You should know exactly what is going on before and at your appt! They should be making sure everything is clear to you and answering all of your questions. They are making money off of your business. UGH!!

I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. The first cycle is already so full of questions and anxiety and it doesn't sound like anyone was very considerate of you or your feelings.

Praying for you and the IUI though!! Wouldn't that be awesome?!?

Infertility is Hard said...

I'm so sorry about the stress and confusion you are feeling. It's really normal.

One thing to reassure you, the fact that they saw a 22mm follicle means you didn't ovulate. If you had, all they would have seen was the corpeus luteum. So that's good. :-D

I know how important it is to feel comfortable with your RE and the nurses. This is everyday routine for them, but this is YOUR life.

I pray that even though your experience today was less than stellar, that this still ends up being a big BFP. I will pray for you. :-D

Kelli said...

What an awful day. I am so proud of you for staying so cool despite thier ignorance! I think you made the right decision to finish the cycle with an IUI, pray for a miracle, and move on to a new RE, if needed. Kudos to you for remembering the positives and hanging on to hope! Love you!

Anonymous said...

Oh, dear! I'm so sorry. I agree that you want to find a new RE. The difference between having an IUI done with an RE v. an OB-GYN has nothing to do with the actual IUI procedure (so rest assured that the NP can perform it just fine), but with the monitoring leading up to the IUI. The RE should have been checking you by ultrasound every 3 days or so. But thank goodness that you did catch the follicle before ovulation (as other commenters pointed out, seeing the follicle on U/S means you haven't ovulated yet). I will pray for you.

gringa78 said...

Ugh! I'm so sorry this happened to you!! To be honest, I felt this way at my RE during my IUI cycles...unless I made a specific appt. to meet with the RE, I never saw him. the nurses did everything. I didn't feel like his actual patient until I did my IVF cycle.

That being said, I urge you to find a physician who you feel comfortable with and who doesn't put you through a 3-ring circus.

Sending you big hugs...keep us posted.

Erica said...

I hope the IUI is going well today - you're probably there right now. Thinking of you and sending a giant hug your way.

Try to keep the focus on this cycle right now - pray and hope that it will work. You have no control over the fact that your RE and his office staff sound like a bunch of douche bags. You can only control your own reactions - so do whatever you can to stay as calm as possible in what I so lovingly like to call the 2 week wait from hell. I'm just a blog away if you need anything. Hang in there!

K said...

I'm really glad to hear you're giving this IUI a try and finding a new RE if need be. It takes some courage to break the ties with a doctor, no matter how horrible the treatment. Best of luck with this cycle!

Tabitha said...

I'm so sorry that the appointment was so uncomfortable for you my dear. That just sucks. Lots of prayers going up for you, and don't give up hope, God works in mysterious ways!!

Jendeis said...

I am so sorry that you had such a horrible experience. You should never have to feel like you're keeping your docs and nurses from something they'd rather be doing. I'm hoping that either yesterday was a fluke or that you and DH can find a clinic that will meet YOUR needs.

I hope that the IUI goes without incident. Praying and hoping for you two...

Amber said...

wow thats so horrible the way you were treated I think if my dr did that I might have had to walk out..wow thats just insane.

praying that the IUI works out and you wont have to go find another RE though:)

Momma Hopes said...

wow girlfriend, i'm so sorry you had to go through all that. :( i've had 2 iui + 4 mos of clomid. i'm having a rough time too. i haven't moved to an RE yet though. I can do one more IUI before that. I'd switch Dr's definitley.... :( good luck - and much baby dust!

finding_ac said...

all i can say is hopefully this is the hardest shat you will have to go through before getting your baby...

at least your child will know how badly you really did want him/her

♥ ac

Find joy in every journey said...

I HATE being treated that way at a drs. office. Not fair.

Can you try to BD tonight?!?!?! Just in case, if I were you, I would BD tonight, tomorrow morning, and tomorrow evening.

My DH's urologist said that the more you do it, sometimes the better the morphology gets.

Praying you won't ever have to go through this again, and this is it for you!

Nichole said...

I am so sorry hon! That appt. sounds exactly like my appts with my GYN...NOT an RE! I agree with previous posters...finish this cycle and then run for your lives! I hope that this cycle works and you won't even have to worry about finding a new dr.

Oh and I wanted to say that I am so glad you have your IL's to be supportive and to be kind of a sounding board for you - that is great!
Big Hugs!