Friday, July 10, 2009

Cycle day 12

Well, after taking my temp for a couple days I am guessing that the bright red "spotting" that I had on cycle day 21 was actually my period...which makes me on cycle day 12 today. And, get this: Based on my temperatures, I believe I have already ovulated. The two temps I have taken have always been in the range above my coverline from when I was charting regularly. And, yes, high temps could mean pregnancy...but four negative HPTs later, memory of some red "spotting" from too long ago to actually be "implantation bleeding" and still be testing negative, and a history of annoyingly short cycles leads me to this conclusion.

Can I just say how incredibly weird it is to go from thinking your period was late and having a teeny-tiny ounce of hope that you're pregnant to suddenly realizing you have already had your period and ovulated in your next cycle? I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone and that some vortex of time sucked away half a cycle without even knowing it. My mind got lapped by my cycle and I can't turn back to get it. We lost a chance at a baby by the sheer fact that my body does strange things and forgot to tell me it's time to try. It tricked me into waiting for my period!

Now, I haven't completely ruled out anovulation, but I think an early period and early ovulation fits the pattern of my body since I seem to have that going on these days.

The track record:

End of May cycle: 19 days long
Early June cycle: 20 days long
End of June cycle (current): On cd 12, I'm just guessing that ovulation occurred around cd 10.

Honestly, this information was more disturbing than upsetting. I gave up on the idea of being pregnant on Wednesday, and for the last two days I just wanted to figure out what in the world was going on with my body.

I am disappointed to have to give up on my chance to try this cycle. DH and I were honestly excited to go at with all we have and hold our hopes high. And I was going to use my progesterone suppositories. We're going out of town for a belated-anniversary trip in two weeks, and we even thought we might get to *try* on vacation. Or, at least, I would be early enough post ovulation that I wouldn't have any spotting. Now...well, now I just might be having my period on our trip instead. Or heavy spotting that is oh-so-s.exy. **sigh** Sometimes that happens (I can't always plan trips around my period!) and I know it's not a huge deal, but it's just a big shift in what I was thinking and hoping...

I think this post sounds more discouraged than I am. I'm more annoyed than anything else. I am looking forward to our RE appointment and I am definitely starting to chart again. No more of this confusion.

**ETA: I just made our SA appointment (next Tuesday) and RE appointment (July 28). The RE had an appointment available on next Tuesday, but since we won't have the SA results I wanted to wait and get the next available...and it was two weeks later!! In my crazy IF emotional state, I almost burst into tears on the phone at the thought of waiting the extra time. I made it through the conversation but started sobbing immediately upon hanging up. The receptionist was so nice about it, and I think that made it harder not to cry. She said she would put us on a list to call if there are any cancellations. Maybe I am more upset about how last cycle and this current cycle have unfolded than I realized. My wacky cycles have reminded me that I am not in control nor can I even plan anything (who knows when my next period will be, and maybe we will miss the chance to do an IUI then....). God is in control....God is in control...God is in control...I am praying this and am seeking to rest in that truth.


b is for brown said...

i don't know you but i want to hug you.

Anonymous said...

Why must our bodies be so damned complicated, and so uncooperative? Why oh why oh why?

Sigh. I'm sorry that this has to happen to you now.


Melissa said...

i fell asleep last night saying "God has a plan, God has a plan..."

even when you do see the RE things will come up. But it gets easier. and better.

BIG HUGS to you.



Kelli said...

Ugh! I'm so sorry your body is not cooperating!! But I'm glad that although you are annoyed (with good reason!!) you are resting in the fact that God IS in control! Love you hun!

c by the sea said...

i hope everything works out soon. good luck!

Amanda said...

It's like your body is actively working against you. That is pretty disappointing to hear.

Hopefully you'll catch the next cycle better and I know with the info from that article the other day that you will be on top the the timed IC if you go that route.

A said...

Well drat, I was so sorry to read this today! I'm not sure if you got any *activity* in the last week or so- maybe God has a huge surprise in store for you! I will certainly be praying for God to reveal His control to you and comfort your reeling heart!!

finding_ac said...

darn i was really hoping for baby time. the twilight zone comment was hilarious..

♥ ac

Anonymous said...

You must be exhausted by all of these ups and downs. I admire the way you continue to try to stay positive. I can't wait till the day you post that you are indeed pregnant...because there will be that day!

Mrs. Hammer said...

I'm so sorry Hilliary. I wish I could turn back time for you. But you are right, God is in control. Even when we don't know why things happen the way they do, He is in control.

Indy said...

I am praying for you.

jones said...

how frustrating! I'm sorry that this cycle was so wonky. I'm having a bit of a one-off myself. While we didn't *miss* ovulation, all signs point to the fact that the little egg went on its journey at CD 9 or 10. Freakishly early. bah.

♥Tabitha said...

Sometimes giving our burdens to the Lord can be the most difficult task of all. But when we do fully surrender to His will, we are given such a peace! I'm striving to be there every day, and I'm praying with you!