Friday, June 12, 2009

Where is the end?

Where is the end of this journey? I have read quite a few blog posts this week of some of my blogger friends who seem to be near the end...in that "one last IVF" stage. My heart breaks for them in that difficult place, although I have also been amazed at the resiliency and hope they experience.

Where is my end point? That I don't know -- and I have, thus far, felt so new to all of this, and that the end was far, far away. But I have been overwhelmed this week thinking about The End. I could still have a long road ahead of me...and that is daunting. But, even scarier, The End could be near. What if we decide to not pursue IVF? We could be told that we have such a small chance of conceiving even with an IUI that it's just not worth it. Or we could do a couple IUI's....but The End could be just a few months away. I'm not ready to be done with this and close the door on having biological children. I'm not ready to face The End.

I told DH we need to decide in the next few weeks if we would be willing to do IVF. I feel like I need to know where our line in the sand is. I know this line could move if God changes our course...but for now, I would like to pray, research, talk, and come to some decisions about our next steps.

I had lunch with my infertile friend Grace this week, and it was wonderful to share our stories. She is amazing and I am thankful for her friendship. Interestingly, she feels like she may be nearing the end of fertility treatments...she is currently on a medicated cycle, and has one more left. She may do a few IUI's, but at this point is not sure how much further they will go. They started looking into adoption and they feel a lot of peace and excitement about that, so that might be the new path they embark on.

The End has felt like it is all around me, although I feel CRAZY that I haven't even done any treatment cycles and I am already thinking about it (I probably am crazy). Part of me wants to say, "Nah, I'll get pregnant before The End!" But I can also see very clearly that that does not always happen. I feel like I have to trust God that if The End comes he will prepare me.

I am not an infertility newbie anymore -- if I crane my neck and squint my eyes, I can see The End. I just don't know if I will actually get there, or how fast it is approaching.

13 comments:

Amber said...

I know that God will show you his perfect plan it really is tough I must admit to get to the point off adoption but I know that Gods plan is much more perfect than anything we would ever do so I just have to remember that:)

Missy said...

I think we all reach that point at different times. I'm sorry you're having a tough time right now.

Melissa said...

I think I can see a tentative end for my journey. but it might not be the end, just a break :)

((HUGS)) to you

Mrz. Hannah Myhre said...

I think it is normal to want to know..What the End of this Journey will be.. It was for me anyway:)

For me right now its a limit of 3 IVF/ICSI cycles... personally this would be enough trying for me... if it doesn't work out.. then I'll have to accept that its not meant to be and move on... That will be very hard if it comes to that:(

I'm praying for you sweetie.. this journey is so hard.. even harder because we don't know what the out come will be for sure..

God will help you through this and He'll help you and your husband to make any decisions that you will need to make along the way...

Thinking of you...

Hannah

One Who Understands said...

Thanks for the welcome Hillary. This post describes exactly how I feel all the time. In our case our MFI is so severe IUI is out of the question. In fact we have to do IVF with ICSI to even have a chance. But how many do we do? How long do we continue to try? I worry about The End and pray I have courage to face whatever lies ahead. Good luck to you, and may God grant you the strength you need.

Betty Rubble said...

As you said, the line in the sand AND the end often move.

We have been "done" so many times that I can't care to count any more. Before Bam-Bam we were at the end...

I'm rambling cause I dont' have an answer...I'm sorry :(

Kelli said...

We have had 3 IUIs and are prepping for our 3rd IVF. I see The End and it scares me. I don't want it to come without a baby in my arms. But in the back of my mind I know that is a possibility. I know that and it scares me, too. I pray for both of us to have peace in trusting that God will prepare us for whatever the future holds...

ps. Thanks for your questions - I hadn't thought much about the "process" but I posted about the stages of grief and there is a definite correlation. xo!

Kelli said...

Edit...
I just said I know that it is a possibility that this might end without a baby in my arms, but I know that I will have a baby in my arms one day.

I should have said I know it is possibile for The End to come without a baby in my belly.

Just wanted to clarify :)

Amanda said...

"The End has felt like it is all around me, although I feel CRAZY that I haven't even done any treatment cycles"

I think a lot of this is because you don't know what you want to do yet and once you get a clear plan you will know that you have a least X stops before you get to the end. You have been in waiting this whole time really and unfortunately your options are probably fewer than some other couples.

I have always thought that doing an injectable IUI cycle prior to IVF is not a bad idea just to see how your body responds to the medications (which will help your drs. develop a protocol for IVF if you take that step). You could work your way to inject/IUI or start there and if that didn't work, I think you would have a better idea of what IVF will mean to you. You don't have to make all the decisions upfront.

And if you are still considering this holistic dr. I think it would be good to maybe see that out and attack this from both ends. If you think it will help then that's what matters.

What ever you do, make sure you don't have regrets. Decide what makes you comfortable and go for it from there and then you will know when you've found the end.

andrea_jennine said...

As one who is facing that "maybe one last IVF" call, I can say that I think most people feel "ready" for the end when it comes. I've certainly reached the point where it's hard to muster up the excitement for one more try. You'll probably know when you get there. If you're not feeling ready to be done, then it may not be the end yet... but who knows what continuing to try will look like for you.

If you have questions about IVF or want someone to bounce concerns off of, email me! We entered into IVF very slowly and with many questions we needed to resolve before we began. I've thought and read A LOT about it. I'd be glad to pass it on.

gringa78 said...

I know how you feel...always wondering where it will end...I never thought we'd even have to get this far (I'm sure you can relate). The answers will come to you with time...all the decisions you have to make might now have clear answers right now, but they will. Thinking of you.

daega99 said...

We've said 3 IVF/ICSI cycles but since we're only on the verge of the first one, I don't know how the experience will change us. Hopeyou'll find the right answer that'll work for the two of you.

ICLW #31

Amel said...

Hi, dropping by from Creme de la Creme. This question is one of the reasons why we decided not to pursue any tests or treatments and decide just to let go and be (more) carefree. It's never easy to make a decision when it comes to IF due to many factors: your spouse, your health, your financial condition or insurance...hope whatever both of you decide, you find peace and you won't look back with regrets.