Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Small comforts

Today continued to be emotional and I have so many infertile thoughts swimming through my head. I think these thoughts will trickle out onto this blog, but overall I think I have been feeling my infertility more than I do most days. The hopes, the fears, the what-if's have come to the surface in full force.

And, tonight, DH felt it with me. We BBQed pizza together after work, and he could tell I was sad. I started releasing all of these thoughts to him, and, while slicing pizza with the roller, he said from behind me, "I'm feeling it right now too. I'm sad we're infertile." And I heard it in his voice: the sadness. And hearing him say that, feeling him feel it with me, made me hunch over the pizza in big wracking sobs. We're together in this. Not that I ever doubted it, but I felt it tonight.

We held each other, I cried, and we shared our fears.

And it felt like a release followed by small earthly comforts that have given me some peace tonight:

*Hugging DH
*Laying on his chest
*Kissing DH
*Putting my jammies and slippers on
*Lighting candles
*Drinking a cup of tea
*Writing this post

I am thankful for the small, and not-so-small, comforts and blessings God has given me. I know he is with me, walking with me, and guiding me. I am here and it hurts, and somehow in the midst of this I know it is a season that God will bring me through. This is not my forever.

14 comments:

Melissa said...

I can't wait for God to give you and your husband a beautiful, healthy baby. It sounds like you have such a loving and supportive marriage that i firmly believe it is only a matter of time for you. ((HUGS))

Jess said...

Nothing means more than the moment you realize your in it together! I know at times we feel like we are alone but were not...they just don't show it like we do. I'm so glad your husband was able to give you comfort. I love having my husband at my doctors appointments (something he didn't do until a month ago).

babyparamore.blogspot.com

Betty Rubble said...

I'm glad that through the sorrow you found comfort, and are able to keep your faith.

I just wish I could be there in person to hug you too.

Kelli said...

The last line of your post really resonated with me - I reread it 4 or 5 times so it would sink in. Better days are on the way!! Meanwhile, hold on to those comforts and blessings that God has given to help get you through this time. XOXO

twondra said...

I'm thinking of you sweetie. (((HUGS)))

A said...

This is MY kind of post! I loved reading it! I am so glad that God has placed it on your heart to praise Him for all the things He has already blessed you with! It is an uplifting prayer, isn't it? I love to pray that way! I pray that He has a baby blessing coming soon for both of us, hidden just out of our view for now!

c by the sea said...

it is so reassuring to know you are in this together! together you can get through anything.

i'm sorry you are feeling down lately, i hope you are blessed with a child soon.

andhereweare said...

Beautiful post. This is not your forever, and God will never leave you. That's a comfort amidst the sadness.

♥Tabitha said...

Yay! I'm so proud of you! It's good to have a real "cry fest" every once in a while, it's good for the soul!

WantWait&Pray said...

It is so good to hear that despite the circumstances, your husband and you are growing closer in your relationship and with God. Your post inspired me to start writing down my list of "New Blessings Every Morning"- I will write down a list of things I am thankful for each day. It's so easy to focus on what we don't have....but important to remember to be thankful for all that we do. Those "small comforts" get us through the tough times. I'm praying for you!

gringa78 said...

I know how you feel...I actually saw and felt it in DH for the first time yesterday as well...he didn't want to talk about it because it was making him too sad. It makes me even sadder to see him hurting too.

Andrea said...

I know it is so cliche, but I truly think that my relationship with my DH has gotten stronger b/c of IF...I am glad you and your DH have each other as support.

Infertility is Hard said...

You are right. . . This is definitely not your forever. It's hard when you're in the middle of all this infertility stuff to realize it, but all of this pain and uncertainty is temporary, and I'm confident we'll all come out of it as stronger women. Thinking of you.

Melody said...

I'm just so very sorry. My heart hurts for you tonight. Your transparency is such an indredible gift to others and I know God will bless your faithfulness to Him through all of this.