Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Down

I feel so sad and deflated today. Why? Well, I started my period....leaving me with a whopping 19 day long cycle.

I know, I know. This cycle could easily be explained away as a weird one to toss out because of the fibroid surgery and the estrogen I'm on. I asked Dr. Ob/Gyn before the surgery if I could expect to have a different cycle this month, and she said NO. And part of me is trying to explain it away, but another part of me feels like this fits into my messed up body's messed up cycles and I wouldn't be surprised if it really was just me being messed up.

And then I feel overwhelmed...I still don't know what's wrong with me. We already have some big male factor issues, and I just wish I could have these nice little perfect cycles to somehow balance out our male issues. If I were ok, I could make up for the difference or something. I know it doesn't work like that, but now I feel like I'm just dragging our combined fertility down...down...down...

I read this little poem today on John Piper's blog and it encouraged my soul:

Not grace to bar what is not bliss
Nor flight from all distress but this:
The grace that orders our trouble and pain
And then, in the darkness, is there to sustain.

21 comments:

Amanda said...

Ug, sorry about the short cycle.

I know it's looking down, but don't give up... this stuff takes time and it might take your RE several months to find a treatment to help you. This stuff is trial and error. And in the meanwhile, I'm sure it will be agonizing to see things not go the way you had hoped. Sorry this is not the most optimistic comment, but have some faith in your RE and hopefully you will find some solutions together.

satto said...

Hillary, I'm so sorry. I agree with Amanda. In time you will find the right treatment. Though I know that the wait is a killer. Hang in there!

Mrz. Hannah Myhre said...

I'm so sorry honey.. I can understand though.. I have PCOS so it causes me to have crazy all over the place cycles... I never know what will happen next.. And we have male factor too:( 2 problems..

I know its hard right now.. but I believe that everything will work out for both of us:) hoping your RE finds the right treatment for you soon...

Hugs,
Hannah

Nichole said...

Wow - if my cycles and your cycles combined, maybe we could both actually have 28 day cycles!!!

I'm so sorry - I know my surgery in January really messed up my cycles and now I am probably looking at another surgery.

Big Hugs!!!

Caroline said...

Hi Hillary,

I am sorry that you are feeling down. I can understand what you are going through, as I had a similar ultra-short cycle last year and I was upset about it. Thankfully it was a one-off, and I hope the same is true for you as well.
I am thinking of you. x

Jess said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I can only imagine how your feeling when it comes to both of you have IF issues. It is bad enough when it is only one person and now that it is both of you, well it just takes a little longer for the doctors to get it all worked out. I'm sure in time, your RE will find the right treatment. I will be keeping you in my prayers! I wish I had something better to say...hang in there and don't lose hope!

babyparamore.blogspot.com

Erica said...

I'm sorry Hillary. These kind of days just suck. I hope you'll feel a little better in the morning.

Remember - when you're on the meds, your body will be regulated and controlled in order to prep you for the IUI, IVF, whatever. So your cycles won't be your own anyway! I know you must feel disappointed in yourself, but take it from someone who had normal cycles - it made no difference once the docs started in on me. My cycle went just like the meds dictated (most of the time). I know it's hard, but hang in there! You WILL get there!

Kelli said...

I wish I could reach over and give you a big hug!!! I love the poem - His grace is enough...

Mrs. Hammer said...

{{HUGS}} Hang in there. It's hard to see your way out in times like this. Remember that nothing we do can change the plan of God for our lives. You're not dragging down your combined fertility, you're exactly where God wants you right now.

Jen said...

oh, i'm so sorry, hillary... have you called your doc about it? just to get their perspective? hopefully next cycle will be perfect and you'll finally get the BFP that we all so long for!

ASHELY said...

I wish I had some encouraging words, but I just don't know what else to say, but I am sorry. I wish I could give you big hugs right now. Keep your head up sweetie!

A Few Good Sperm said...

I'm sorry, but I agree with Erica. Even with the double whammy of PCOS and severe male factor, once on the meds my body did what it is supposed to (for the most part). It may take some time but your RE should be able to find what works best for you.

A said...

Well rats. I just echo the other commenters in that you're in my thoughts and prayers! I was surprised to read that your doc said that your cycle wouldn't be affected by the surgery, actually! I pray that you'll get a sense of peace about the road that you're travelling with God right now- He will not let you fall!

Rebekah said...

So sorry, sweetie. I hope things start looking up real soon. ((hugs))

Infertility is Hard said...

Sorry you're feeling down. Thinking of you.

Gina said...

I'm so sorry about the short cycle. Big hugs to you.

jones said...

Thinking of you and remember your recent post - this moment/feeling is just a snapshot - hopefully, tomorrow will be a brighter day!

Amber said...

sorry to hear about the short cycle. I love reading John Piper's blog and thanks for sharing:)

twondra said...

Thinking of you sweetie! ((HUGS))

MAK-now said...

Hey there,
I just wanted to say - Don't get discouraged. After my surgery, my cycle took some time to get back to normal as well. The length of my cycle didn't change but it was a while before I actually got it. Everyone is different so you can't apply what happens to others to your situation.

In my case, my cycle stayed on track but my hormones went berserk! All of a sudden my face was like that of a 15-yr old schoolgirl and I'm still dealing with the aftermath. All that to say, chin up, you're going to be fine, stay positive and keep looking to the Lord.

** HUGS **

Melissa said...

((HUGS)) I hope it was due to the surgery/estrogen combo. Hopefully your RE can shed some light on the situation at your next appt? Everyone is different and reacts differently to surgery/certain hormones