Thursday, May 28, 2009

Did you know?

Did you know you would be infertile?

Maybe you had something already diagnosed. I have a friend who got diagnosed with PCOS as a teenager, and I know she has always had a nagging fear that she would face infertility once she started TTC.

If you didn't, did you still know? Did you know without knowing?

I did. I had my spotting, which was enough to set me on edge. I knew. I lurked on the Nest Trouble Trying to Conceive board....before I was even TTC. I read without commenting on two infertility blogs....before I even started TTC. Crazy, no? I would have been ashamed to admit it then, but now I look back and I think I knew.

But honestly, I didn't know. How could I really? I'm sure there are many women out there who have irregular cycles who fear being infertile. But then they TTC and, with a big sigh of relief, they find out they are pregnant. I could have been them. So when we started TTC, I was hopeful. Excited. Nervous. I vividly remember the first time we had unprotected s.ex and we felt giddy with excitement. Maybe we just made a baby! Oh my gosh!

But then as each month went by, I knew a little more. By month 3 I was scared out of my mind, and by month 6 I was convinced. I tried to hold onto that hope that it can take up to a year...but really, I just sent my husband in for a semen analysis. And then I really did know.

And here I am. Will infertility treatments work for us? I sit here on the verge of starting treatments...two surgeries behind us that have been "successful" in improving our fertility, although we are not fertile by any means. Will I ever be pregnant?

In my heart of hearts, I don't believe the treatments will work.

Do I know? I can't, really. I'm not trying to be a pessimist. I want to be wrong. I hope I'm wrong. And I feel wrong for even thinking this, and writing it has made my heart pound and my eyes water. I want to hope, I want to try, and I want to believe!

I will move forward and hope with great hope each cycle that I am pregnant. We will pursue treatments as long and far as God guides us.

I also wonder -- is God giving me this doubt to show me how amazing are the works of his hands? That he can get ME pregnant? Or that he can open my heart to adoption and build our family through that? For God to show me that I DO NOT KNOW, and that he does?

28 comments:

kim said...

This may sound weird, but I researched IVF before I even knew I was infertile. I just knew something was wrong. Of course, I have always suspected I had PCOS due to irregular cycles, but somehow, I just knew I would end up needing medical intervention to get pregnant. :(

I really do think that you will be a mom. Very soon. :)

satto said...

No I didn't. I'd always talk about how I wanted to be a mom. How I'd have a bunch of kids. How I couldn't wait to be pregnant. I even put off TTC for a few months so if (more like when) I got pregnant in the first month I could still fly cross country for my BFF wedding. what an idiot I was.

Please don't give up hope. How else do you get through all this shit unless deep down inside you think something sometime will work.

Amanda said...

Hmmm... well I was one of those that knew early on, but even before that I felt different.

I really think there is a very good chance treatments could work for you. I think that because you know that sperm is a big issue for you guys it may push you towards ART much faster than other infertile couples. And there you will remove so many of the conception problems that I think you could have a very good chance of making it.

It's hard to get too excited right now, but even if these early treatments aren't successful, hopefully you will gain knowledge about what problems you have. Wasn't it kinda exciting to learn you had a fibroid? Not that it was a good thing, but something you can fix and see what kind of difference it makes.

Missy said...

I didn't know and started TTC like I could time when we had a baby. But there were times when I was on the pill and would joke about probably all this trouble I go through to not get pg probably means I can't have kids.

Kelli said...

I was 14 when I had surgery to remove ovarian cysts, and they took 1 1/2 ovaries with them! I remember worrying at 14 about my ability to have a baby one day. I always wanted to be a mom. Once I got back on a regular cycle, the doctors assured me that it wouldn't be a problem.

Then 2 months before we started TTC I had an u/s just for my peace of mind - again, no problem - go ahead and have fun!

This hasn't been fun.

Hindsight tells me that I should have had eggs frozen when I was still a teenageer - but who knew?

Anyway, I could ramble about the what if's forever but you're right - the works of His hands are amazing and He knows...He knows...

Melissa said...

what's messed up is that i think i figured i'd have issues b/c my cycles have always been wonky. and then i conceived my daughter right away.

i don't know what version of the bible you read, but i'm currently reading Jeremiah(NIV) and i have found great comfort in some of the verses (Jer. 29:11-13, 31:3-3, 31:13) Sorry if that comes across preachy or anything.

I think you will be a mom. I think that's what is so fantastic about the blogging community: even when you lose hope or doubt, others are there to lift you up and remind you of hope and love...

((HUGS))

In Due Time said...

I have PCOS. There was something inside of me that just knew this road wouldn't be short and sweet. I've always wanted to have 6 kids, but I don't know if that will ever happen.

Hang in there. ((Hugs))

Jen said...

i didn't know. i always thought we'd get pg w/in 3 cycles of stopping the pill... dead wrong! sometimes i feel the same way about treatments... that even w/meds i won't get pg. i don't know if i'm just protecting myself by setting myself up for failure or what... but at this point, it just seems so hard to picture ME pg. :( we have to hold on to hope though!

Infertility is Hard said...

Wow. . . This post really hits home for me because I can relate to it so much.

I didn't even have any signs. I had really regular periods, and had no reason to think I was infertile, but I just had this weird feeling that getting pregnant would be difficult for me. In hinsight, I almost wonder if it's some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.

I do believe there is a plan for all of us though. :-D

aphrodite2 said...

This post really hit home for me; it sounds exactly like something I might have written!

I remember having regular cycles as a teen, but I went on BCP early, at 15 or 16 years old. And stayed on them until age 30. But I always had a nagging feeling that I was incapable of becoming pregnant. To make myself feel better, I convinced everyone that I would never want kids. Until my husband and I started getting serious about it.

I've tried to have hope. I do everything I can to get pregnant each cycle - BBT, acupuncture, supplements, etc. But now my cycles are irregular. And ironically, the RE has not found anything wrong with me yet.

I think you're going to be a mom soon, and I know you're going to be an excellent one! :)

Melissa said...

:)
yeah my dh & i lived in CA for 2 years (2005-2007) @ edwards. while we were there we actually had a friend at vandenburg. he was only there for like a year and a half though, now he's at minot.

I'm glad the verses helped. :) p.s. i love random comments :)

Robin said...

I knew. But I kept it hidden. I knew we'd even get to IVF so when we started TTC, I was very anxious to get through the initial trying on our own phase. Like you, I started TTC excited and hopeful thinking that maybe I was being too pessimistic. And now I've been questioning whether or not we should even try IVF again. It's a lot to put your body through, it's a lot to put your heart through and it's a lot to put your relationships, both family and friends, through.

Keep praying and seeking God's guidance. He will point you in the right direction. I'm praying for you.

Cinbin said...

I didn't know either, I hoped it wasn't, but yet there it is. We are all right there with you. I feel your struggle, because it's my struggle too-but you can't lose hope. Just remind yourself of all the things you can't do as often when you have kids - sleep in on weekends, go out to dinner whenever you want, and enjoy those things. That's what helps me anyway.

Keep your chin up, sending ((hugs))

♥Tabitha said...

Actually, I had NO idea. I though I'd be super fertile like the rest of our families, but God had other plans. And you know what? I don't know if I'd have it any other way! Even with all the heartbreak...I know He has something AMAZING in store for us! But I do love this post, and other than the not knowing part of it all, I feel exactly as you do most of the time!!

jones said...

I can't say that I knew exactly, only that it was a fear. Unfortunately a fear realized. The not knowing is so difficult.

AJ48 said...

I went to the hospital when I was 18 due to major pain in my ovary. I was then diagnosed with PCOS. I honestly think I was in denial. Both my mother and sister got preggo right away, and I was ignorant about infertility. I honestly didnt think it would be a big issue. Boy was I wrong!!!

So it was a slap in the face after a year of naturally trying and still no baby. But hang in there - there is hope and I do think that you will be a mom soon!!!

WantWait&Pray said...

I just wrote about this in my post today....deep down, I had a feeling. I've always had pretty normal cycles, etc....but I felt like it would be hard for me to get pregnant.
I read something towards the end of this cycle that really hit home.....it was a quote that said "Lord God, let my circumstance glorify you". For me, that spoke volumes. We have doubts, fears, anger towards what we are going through but we're not alone. And, in whatever way we become a mom, it WILL glorify God. If it means a "miracle baby" is conceived, if treatment works or treatment fails and adoption is the route you take.

MAK-now said...

I have 8 brothers & sisters and my mom lost 5 which would have been 14 altogether. They told my mom she'd never have another after her very 1st child, my oldest brother. That said, I ALWAYS felt as if I'd be the one who'd have trouble getting pregnant. I truly believe in the power of God though and I think that He tests us all, not just to see how much we can take, but to make sure we can take it. I think the struggle helps us to realize just how badly we want these babies, too. Keep your head up & hopes high. It's gonna happen for you!

**ICLW**

'Murgdan' said...

I knew. I KNEW. I know it sounds crazy, but I knew even before we started trying. My husband told me that once a doctor told him he had a varicocele and may have trouble conceiving, and even if I thought "that's nuts, that was 20 years ago"...but come to find out he does NOT have a varicocele...he just has hardly any sperm.

I knew.

And...I too don't think treatments will ever work for us. I really don't.

I also know if we used donor sperm I'd probably be pregnant in the blink of an eye.

Erica said...

Hmmm...good question. I kinda felt like I was going to have trouble after the first month of trying. I don't know that the "feelings" were premonitions - they were more likely a reflection of my pessimistic attitude. Remember this, Hillary: Of course it feels like it won't happen, because it HASN'T yet. How can you really imagine what it will be like if you haven't experienced it yet? I'm telling you, I still don't feel like I'm pregnant. It feels like I'm going to wake up from some dream and be faced with the pain all over again.

Just because you think it can't happen - doesn't mean it won't. What you "think" and what will be "reality" really aren't connected. Your mind can totally mess with you.

Sending you much love and a hug!

Mrs. Hammer said...

I actually did know we would struggle with IVF. My husband was a 'miracle' baby. He has two older adoptive siblings. His mom conceived him after 14 years of TTC. Ironically it was DH who was in denial of any concerns over TTC. Even up to the time of his most recent SA with strict morphology he was still convinced there would be nothing wrong with his swimmers. I wish that would have been the case. But now we know and we are finally on the right treatment for our low morphology.

Hang in there! Our human frailness allow us to give in to fear. But remember that God's love drives out all fear.

Jules said...

First of all I would like to say thank you for blogging me. Reading the comments that everyone posted made me cry. Not because I was sad, but opposite. I felt for the first time ever I was not alone. It was a wonderful feeling although I would never wish for anyone to experience what we all share in common. Nothing is worse then seeing others live a dream that you have always desired. I have known since I was 19 that I would have issues getting pregnant. I just refused to believe it. What teenage girl wants to hear that babies might not ever happen? I just pretended that it was all a dream, and I would not even think about infertility. When I got married that is when it hit home. The things that I would constantly say… OMG I am not going to be able to give my husband children… OMG I am a broken woman… OMG what will I do if I am not a mom… I was so lost and I feel still lost. I am so scared and this is just the start for me. I want to cry.

TTC said...

I always knew and then at age 22 it was confirmed, I was told I had fibroids. At age 30 I had 24 fibroids removed, I had waited to remove them because I was told I only had two small fibroids that were not interfering with anything. We didn't start trying to concieve until age 25. After a couple years we decided it just wasn't going to happen naturally. We went to a few doctors and was advised that I had between 5-9 fibroids and that they may be the issue. When the day came to have the fibroids removed, the doctors got a big surprise they discovered some of the fibroids were the size of an orange and ended up removing 24 of them. They even took pictures to show me what they found. I had requested a video of the surgery and was told no so the pictures were a nice surprise. I wish you luck in your journey.

The Swann's said...

((((HUGS)))) I wish I could just give you a good squeeze and we could chat in person with a box of kleenex and hot tea.

I remember way back when I was like early teens, yes, way back then! I just felt like I would have such a hard time becoming a mother. it was my greatest fear. I remember telling this to my parents and friends and they all just said it's normal. I had prefectly regular cycles, before going on the pill. I never had any reason to suggest this. I was always interested in pregnancy, trying to get pregnant, and adoption topics of conversation although my knowledge was very little.

Reading your words, I've been there. I still find myself there. The feeling that nothing will work and why am I going down this path yet hoping that something will end up working and I'll gladly be proven wrong... I cannot wait to celebrate with you the day you announce you are indeed, with child!

Keep your chin up,

~Meghan

Megan said...

I had NO idea I would be infertile. I arrogantly thought I coul start making babies like the flip of a switch.

Hope said...

I actually told my friends that I thought I was really fertile when they had fears about themselves. Turns out, I am the infertile and they are all fertile myrtles. I still regret saying that.

Anonymous said...

Yep - I knew. For a long time, like since I was a child playing with my Cabbage Patch Kids. No reason to suspect anything... had normal cycles before going on the pill, fertile family members, etc., but deep down I just knew it wouldn't be easy and I would be on this path.

When we decided to start trying and the husband suggested we wait a few months to time a pregnancy around other things going on, I was so angry because my first thought was, "Great! Just longer to wait to get confirmation that something's wrong." I'd tell people my feelings, but no one would listen and I always got "just relax!"

I lasted about 10 months trying on our own before I convinced him that we needed to see someone. It was like four months after that before we actually got any test results back, the first being that he had severe sperm issues. Even with that devastating news, I still knew there was more to it and sure enough a few weeks later, I was diagnosed with PCOS on top of it.

Even after four failed IUIs, five rounds of Clomid and months of acupuncture, the husband still thought we would get pregnant on our own. It wasn't until we were in the midst of IVF that he actually started accepting that we would not get pregnant on our own and that even IVF wasn't necessarily going to work.

Of course, we're thrilled that it did, though heartbroken we didn't have any embryos make it to freeze.

And now... I'm having our son this Saturday, and it is so surreal. I still can't believe that I'm even pregnant!

On top of that, thanks to Metformin, my cycles are completely normal and the husband had his highest sperm count to date at our IVF so hope is sneaking in that maybe we'll get lucky and get pregnant easily the next time around. Seems like such a naive thing to even think about, but I see the hope in his eyes and can't help but think that logically it makes sense... normal cycles + higher sperm counts...? Who knows.

Carrie said...

that last comment was me... I hit "enter" on accident before putting in my info :)