Monday, April 6, 2009

I am doubting that the surgery worked

The other night DH told me that he has been having occasional pain in his tes.tical. The same one he had the varicocele in that used to cause him pain. He said it's a different kind of pain. Immediately my eyes filled with tears and they began to trickle down my face.

All along we have known that there are relatively high odds that the surgery will not work. The urologist said we have a 60% chance of success....which means a 40% chance of failure. And, from what I've read, there are mixed opinions in the medical community about the surgery and fertility. So maybe the 60% chance is high, anyway.

But....but.....I could not really, truly think about the surgery not working. In my head I knew it, I could say it....but in my heart I couldn't let that possibility seep in. If I think about it, then I will have to start facing the painful reality that we may never have children without ART. And we may never have biological children at all. And why would I let myself start to feel those heart wrenching emotions if I don't have to at this point??? So I haven't. The surgery *might* work.

In that brief conversation I felt like I got an itsy-bitsy, tiny glimpse of how terrible it will feel to find out the surgery didn't work. I am scared to feel those emotions. I am scared the surgery didn't work, and after hearing about the pain DH felt....I am thinking that is what we will hear.

I know God is walking with me, holding me. He is my great Comforter, and will give me the strength, peace, and hope I need to face whatever lies ahead for DH and I. I will take one step forward at a time. That is all I can do.


Jendeis said...

Sweetie, I am so sorry. Any negative news, even if it's not confirmed, just stinks. Big hugs to you.

Melissa said...

"And why would I let myself start to feel those heart wrenching emotions if I don't have to at this point??? So I haven't."

that's how i'm feeling about this IUI, my mom, my friends death...

But I agree with you. God is there comforting you. He's walking there with you.

I have hope that it worked until your doctor says otherwise.

Thinking of you hun **HUGS**

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for the fear you are facing. Fear of the unknown is definitely what makes this process the most difficult.

I was in a similar situation that you are in a few months ago. I was SO nervous that my husband and I would have to go through ART to get pregnant, and honestly, it scared the crap out of.

And here I am, weeks away from my first IVF cycle, and I'm wishing I would have gone to IVF immediately, instead of doing IUI's first. It's only scary until you get to that point. Then a comfort (that can only be from God) comes over you and you have faith that you are doing exactly what you need to do.

And the good news if you do have to do ART, is that male factor issues aren't issues anymore, because IVF eliminates those.

I of course hope your husband's surgery worked. I have all the confidence in the world that this will work out for you. :-D

Amanda said...

I'm sure it's will be tough, but try to keep a positive outlook till you get that s/a done. Your very well informed on the possible outcomes of this surgery and the pain could be completely unrelated (I just hope it ends soon and never comes back). ART is a tough step to take, but your are blessed to live in a time where it is a possibility. Good luck keeping sane till that s/a.

Mary said...

Aww...Hillary. Don't get upset until you know for sure what you are facing. Easier said than done, I know. There IS a plan for you. You will be a Mommy. And I really think that you will have biological children. I really do. I have everything crossed for you, hon.

gringa78 said...

Thinking of you, hun.

Erica said...

I hope you're wrong about this one. As hard as it is, try your best "not to go there." You're going to the doctor's soon, right? I'm keeping everything crossed for you and DH.

Keep your chin up. You can do this! And one step at a time is the only way to go - somedays it may even feel like you're crawling, but know that we're here for you.

Find joy in every journey said...

I know those feelings all too well. My DH's surgery did increase his numbers by like 300% but his motility went WAY down. Does he have a follow up with the surgeon?

Caroline said...

Hi Hillary

I'm sorry to hear that you are worried about the results of DHs surgery.

There is so much anxiety, stress and pain associated with IF.

Just remember that God has a plan for your life. He loves you, and will never leave you.

Like Mary said, I too believe that you will be a Mother. There may be some obstacles along the way, but you will get there step by step.

Hugs to you