Monday, March 30, 2009

To desire motherhood

I have always been one of those women who just "knew" they wanted to be a mother. I never questioned if I wanted to have children. And the thought of not having children made me sad -- even before IF. I would meet somebody who had dealt with infertility, or see it in a movie and think, "That would be a really difficult lot in life."

However, I know not everyone has had this same maternal drive that I have. I can think of three types of women that I know:

Type 1: Like me. Wants to have children. Always has, always will.

Type 2: Doesn't want to have children. May still wrestle with the idea and may eventually have children, but for a large portion of their adult life they never thought they would.

Type 3: The person who wants children but says it's never been a burning desire for them, and if it didn't happen it wouldn't be a big deal to them.

Now, I know there are different degrees and variations of the above, and maybe there are other types of women out there I'm not thinking of...but I want to focus on person #3.

In my conversation yesterday, my offender identified herself as Type 3. I have met other people, including my own mother, who say they are Type 3. The problem is, I don't know if I believe them. Part of me thinks that if they were truly faced with the possibility of not having children, they would realize that it is a big deal and it would be difficult for them. I wonder if they have just never empathized with an infertile person and realized how much it would hurt them, too.

But maybe my own Type 1 personality is projecting those feelings on to them. I know it would be a very difficult season of my life to realize I couldn't have children, so I assume it would be for everyone else.

So I'm wondering what you think. Are you/ were you a Type 3 person? If so, how has infertility affected you? Or, do you know Type 3 people? Do you believe them?

I must add that if Type 3 people really could face infertility and move on with their life like it's no big deal, then they probably wouldn't be blogging about infertility. So my little survey might be skewed. But I am really curious about this!


On another topic, please go over and give Caroline lots of hugs and support. She just found out that none of her eggs fertilized in her IVF cycle. :(


Find joy in every journey said...

Type I for me. Stupid infertility.

Jendeis said...

I'm a Type 1. I've always "just known."

I tend to agree with you that I would project my own feelings in determining another's thoughts, but I do think that it's extremely difficult to predict exactly what you might do in any given situation. You can say, "I think I'd do this or that," but ultimately, who knows?

Missy said...

I am a type 1 person, but maybe a lesser degree. That is, I've always known I've wanted children but have not oozed motherhood like some women I know. Kids were always "someday." In the past few years I've reached that place where I see children as a real something that I want.

I'm not really I can understand type 3 people. I can understand people not wanting children at all; they are such a life-changing responsibility and not everyone wants that. But the nonchalance of, well if it happens it happens, I don't get.

Anonymous said...

I'm a type 1. No matter what happens.

My sister however was, and kind of still is a type 3. She was firmly invested in birth control pills when she suddenly found herself pregnant. She is a great mom who dotes on her son, but as for a #2, those feelings she had before #1 are the same. She doesn't seek it out, and frankly doesn't care if it happens.

I guess to them, our type 1 behavior is what is odd...just as their type 3 is to us. We can not fathom what we do not understand...

Nichole said...

I am most definately "type 1" My friend was a 3 until she had a miscarriage, then she knew she HAD to have children as soon as possible. And she did.

It was almost like the thought of NOT being able to have a child increased her desire

Amanda said...

I guess I'm a type 1, I always knew, but I wasn't very fixated on it till I was dating DH. I definitely think dealing with IF makes you realize if you really want kids or not... this stuff isn't for the weak. I also think if it weren't for the emphasis our society puts on being a mother there would be more type 3's out there.

c by the sea said...

i'm definately type 1.

in response to your comment on my blog:
the SA showed 40% motility and 3% morphology. i noticed you had the same morphology. my doctor said the morphology doesn't matter as much if the other numbers are alright, my insurance actually considers anything over 3% to be "normal". but since the count was low and motility was low, it was a problem. post wash, motility was 16%. 6.4 motile the first day of IUI and only 2.4 motile the next. they do not check morphology for these, so who knows how many of those were actually "normal". next SA will be thursday, so we'll see how those numbers are, (although i'm hoping they are just as bad or worse since it is to apply for IVF to the insurance!)

good luck with everything!

bowl of wedgies said...

Strange how the 3's tend to be the ones that end up with the babies and the 1's struggle with conception. My very best friend is a 3 and I am definately a 1. She has two biological children and I was never able to conceive. I have to be quick to say that we have two adopted children and there is no difference in my heart whatsoever. I have never felt "cheated" for one second. Of course this is "other side of the IF story speaking" and while I went through IF I certainly felt like I was missing out. But God is gracious and He redeems what we think is our worst nightmare.

♥Tabitha said...

I'm a type 1 too! And I agree that I don't really believe self proclaimed type 3's. I'm with you!

Andrea said...

I am totally Type #1, well, expect for ages 17-22 when I swore I would NEVER had kids:)

Gina said...

I have and always will be a type 1. From the time I could remember I have always wanted children. My friends always called me the "Mom" because I just take care of people.

It odd that so many of us are Type 1 and are struggling with IF. I guess it's because we all want children so badly that we will do anything to have them.

Anonymous said...

I'm definitely a type 1. Always have been. Ever since I was little, I wanted children. Sure, I also wanted the education, the career, etc, but not having kids was never an option. Oh, stupid infertility!

Anonymous said...

i guess i mostly fit into type 1. i never questioned that i would have kids. i knew that i would have them some day.... arg.

Kelli said...

Type 1 for me, for sure.

I know a few type 3's, but I totally agree that if they were faced with infertility they may cross over to the Type 1 side.

As for the type 2's, they just annoy me.

Erica said...

I'm a total Type 1 - which means I'm totally effed if I don't conceive! :( Just kidding. I'm starting to come to the conclusion that although a BIG part of me will always feel a little dead if I can't conceive, I'm moving ahead with adoption. It's like you said - I've always known I'd be a mother. And dammit, that I will be.