Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Almost

At around 12:15pm today, I got a phone call. It's someone from the RE's office telling me they had somebody cancel, and they have an appointment available at 1:45pm TODAY! Do I want it?

My heart started pounding in my chest. Hard.

Me: Um, when did you say?

RE: Today at 1:45. We know it's last minute, but we're going through our list of upcoming appointments and thought you might want to come in sooner.

Me: I would love to. Let me call my husband and see if he could make it.

I hang up. My heart is still pounding. There's no way DH could leave his work on such short notice...and this is not an emergency. Don't get your hopes up, Hillary. He probably can't make it.

I call DH -- no answer. I don't want to leave a message. Hopefully he'll just see that I called. A minute later, I call again. No answer. Ahh! I send a text: Call me. Nothing, but I'm not giving him much time here. I call again. He answers!

Me: You can totally say no because this is such short notice, but they have an opening at the RE in about an hour.

DH: Let's take it.

Me: Seriously!? You can leave work??

DH: I know it would mean a lot to you. Let's go for it. (I love this man!)

My mind is now racing and my heart is pounding. I'm wondering how I will possibly be calm during the appointment if this is already how I'm feeling. OK, I would need to run home and get the paperwork. I'll think of questions to ask the RE as I'm driving. And I'll make sure I can leave my job...oh, no. The cable people are supposed to come between 1-3 today...and this is our second attempt to get the fax line set up. Somebody has to be there.

So I make some frantic phone calls to the other three people who work in my office to make sure somebody would be there. I can only get a hold of my boss and he says he has a meeting. I try the other two people again. No answer.

I sit back and tears well up in my eyes. I can't be irresponsible and take this appointment when I already have a commitment at work. I have to call and say no. And I did.

I know my original appointment is only 24 days away, and it will probably feel better to be more prepared going into it...but it still felt like a huge let down. I started crying, and realized this is the first time I have cried about anything infertility related in a while.

Honestly, waiting has been easier emotionally than trying. But I'm tired of waiting, and I know I will re-enter an emotional world once the testing and treatments begin. But my heart aches and yearns for a baby, and waiting is only masking that growing ache in my heart...

23 comments:

Amanda said...

Oh, that sucks that you couldn't get away for your appointment! But your right, sometimes it's easier than being on the treadmill.

Erica said...

Shit, Hillary! Couldn't you have gotten a "stomach virus" or something? ;) You must be very dedicated to your job, which is an admirable thing. I know waiting sucks. I'm sorry you have 24 more days to go. But, like you said, use that time to prepare and have all of your questions ready. You're going to want to feel "on the ball" that day.

Hang in there.

Missy said...

You are so committed to your job. I hope your boss realizes how valuable you are. Too bad you had to miss the appt, but yours will come here soon enough.

ourquiethope said...

Oh my goodness... I was so excited for you just reading this (and got a little misty at how supportive your DH was ;) but then the ending...well sucked! So sorry about that...what a let down. Heres to the next 24 days flying by!

Melissa said...

i was getting all worked up for you!! I'm so sorry you couldn't go in today, but I think you'll probably feel better being prepared and having your questions/paperwork with you. Don't worry, once you meet with the RE things will start moving along pretty quickly!

Here's to April!!

Melissa said...

Hi Hillary!
I am so sorry that you weren't able to go today. I certainly felt your adrenaline rush as I was reading and I know that as much as it sucks 24 days is not that far away. It will go by faster than you think and who knows, if they had an opening today maybe they will have another one before your appt. I would start you research/questions now and be prepared in advance! :0) Hang in there!

Beautiful Mess said...

As I was reading I was hoping you were able to make it! I was thinking "husband, say YES" then "who cares about the friggin cable"..lol Sorry you couldn't make it. Now though, you'll be so prepared! Hang in there, maybe it'll go by fast!
HUGS
*ICLW*

Kat470 said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. :-( I was so excited to hear about the RE appointment. I know how hard waiting can be. Everything with infertility seems to be one big waiting period after another.

But on the bright side, now you will be ready with all of the questions you want to ask and things like that. Thinking of you. :-D

MC said...

Oh, I'm so sorry that you couldn't get away to the appointment. :(

But, again, having the time will allow you to have all the questions in place that you need to ask.

Good luck!

(ICLW)

Kristin said...

Oh damn...that sucks so badly that you couldn't get away for the appointment. Hoping the next 24 days fly by for you and your treatment brings you success soon.

Betty Rubble said...

Shoot, I was all excited I got goosebumps at first. Darn. I hope these 24 days go quickly for you!

Mary said...

Oh, sweetie. I'm just reading this today. I'm so sorry. But, when you have your appointment you will be better prepared and have all of your questions ready to go. 23 days will pass in a flash, I promise.

It still sucks though and that was really sweet of your hubby to say he would leave work:)

♥Tabitha said...

I agree, the waiting seems to be emotionall easier. My husband and I finally reached a decision to cycle for IVF in June. Just last weekend, we found out that it won't work, because the June cycle would interfear with our previous plans for church camp. I was devistated, but the IVF nurse assured me we could move up to may or move down to July. Ultimately, we chose to move it down to July. I really want this baby, but I feel like I need to be more prepaired, financially, phyisically, and spiritually. Just remember that God's timing is perfect...always is!

c by the sea said...

damn. good for you for taking care of your obligations at work. maybe karma will call you back with another missed appt. you can go to...who knows?

ICLW

Lyndsy said...

Oh no, well the day will past fast, and who know he may get another cancellation. I hated waiting to see him.

strongblonde said...

wow. this sounds like an emotional experience! you're so close, though ;)

xoxo

caitsmom said...

UGH. I'm sorry.

But it's clear, DH ROCKS . . . .
ICLW

rocket.queen. said...

Crap. I'm so sorry you couldn't take the earlier appointment. 24 days won't make that much difference in the long run, but it does nothing to make the ache go away, I know. I hope time flies for you.

-ICLW

Caroline said...

I think that you have a lot of integrity to turn down the appointment. Good on you for living by your values even though you now have to wait for your appointment. I hope the next few weeks pass quickly for you. Infertility is such a long journey and all we seem to do is wait. Hugs to you.

nancy said...

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry. Good for you for being responsible though - hopefully karma will come back for you with good things.

-iclw

jones said...

Double bah! But impressive dedication to work - perhaps there'll be another cancellation.

Carrie said...

So close!!! You almost made it, but at least it is coming up quick. I am sorry you didn't get it today. I remember counting the days until our first RE appointment, too. Obsessing about records, doc's and all. I hope it goes SO well for you!

Hugs and happy ICLW!
Carrie

Misty said...

That really sucks. I'm so sorry that you had to say no. I hope the days until your scheduled appointment fly by.