Saturday, January 10, 2009

Battling worry

I was hoping to get a call yesterday with my progesterone results, but I think it was good for me that I didn't. On one level, there is nothing important riding on getting those results in a timely manner. Nothing will change this cycle if we get them. We probably won't do anything with those results until after DH's post-surgery SA. I just want to know because I always want to know those things ASAP.

On another level, it has been a gentle nudge telling me to trust God. I am not in control of when I get that phone call, or more importantly with what those results are. I started feeling anxious yesterday as I waited for the phone to ring (without admitting to myself that I was waiting). I didn't use OPK's and I only temped for about 5 days around the time I thought I would ovulate based on CM....worries crept in.

What if I got my O date wrong?? What if I took the test at the wrong time? I should have been more diligent with my charting this cycle....


And you know how, say, your car starts making a funny noise? And then you tell your DH because you think something might be wrong? And he gets in the car to drive with you so he can hear it and then the noise doesn't happen? And you get frustrated because you heard it for a week before he drove with you and then again the next time you drove in the car alone?

I started having that feeling about this cycle and this progesterone test. Not only did I possibly time the test wrong, but I didn't start spotting until after the test. New thoughts...

What if this cycle is the one where my progesterone levels were normal, but all of the others weren't? And next month's isn't again?

I realize this post is making me sound completely neurotic, so I must say these were small worries in the back of my mind the past few days. They were not debilitating fears or anything, don't worry. :)

BUT these thoughts did make me stop and tell God that I trust him. He knew I would take the test this month on the day that I took it. He can make conception occur even if my progesterone levels are not normal, even if I spot, and even if DH's sperm don't move. As much as I want to control things, it is such a joy to sit back and trust God's plan for my life.

My heart is full and content today with that thought.

3 comments:

Anita said...

oh Hillary i'm sorry you have to go through his!

I think waiting is the hardest part of all this- it's when the worries and doubts about the medical process and the doctors start to come. I just have to remind myself that God is bigger than it all. It's hard though...

I pray that God gives you peace and that your phone call brings the answers you need.

*hugs*

RDgirl said...

Hi, I just found your blog and wanted to drop a comment. I know that it's so hard not to worry about all the things that could affect a successful month but it's so reassuring to know that God is bigger than all of it!

Betty Rubble said...

If its any consultation my RE NEVER called w/progesterone results for the reason you mentioned them. I hated that because like you I want to know NOW!!!

I know its hard, but I wish you peace while you wait...