Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Anxiety in the night

This morning DH and I had to wake up at 5:45am. At 4:30am, DH woke me up to tell me his tes.tical felt weird -- like something was wrong with the one he just had surgery on. Suddenly, I was wide awake and freaked out. Conveniently for DH he appeared to be talking while half asleep, assured me he had re-felt the area and he was mistaken, and promptly went back to sleep. (He continues to assure me today that although it is still swollen there is nothing weird about it)

What!?! DH introduced a whole new area of anxiety. I had thought of something going wrong during surgery. I had thought of the surgery not correcting our MFI. But this!? What if somehow the surgery actually messed up my DH's tes.tical?? Needless to say, I was unable to go back to sleep. I spent the next hour or so praying for DH's body and trying to sleep.

All day I have been pushing aside this new worry. It is still swollen -- should it be that swollen? Is something wrong down there? Again, DH keeps assuring me it's fine and of course it's still swollen. (Is he just saying that because he knows I'm freaking out?)

Also, I must admit I've always thought of myself as a pretty calm person. Yes, I'm a planner who might come off as stressed, but really I'm pretty even keel. But now with IF...I just don't know anymore! Is this anxious person a product of IF? Or was it just brewing under the surface waiting for a life challenge to come out?

As I always, I turn to God. My faith is what grounds me. I have been praying a ton today. This verse keeps coming to mind:
"The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:5b-7

Also, M's post op appointment is tomorrow which I am so thankful for -- it couldn't arrive at a better time! I wasn't planning on going (how much could happen there, right?), but after my nervousness today I want to be there. I want to be reassured by the doc herself. And, honestly, I don't think M would remember every.single.thing she says which is what I want to hear. So I'm going.

(And I know you all know for sure now that I am not laid back like originally stated)


Caroline said...

Hi Hillary,

It's great that the Doctor's review is tomorrow. I am sure that swelling is normal after surgery "down there" but it will be good to get it checked out to be certain.

And don't worry about freaking out. I think it is understandable given how important your DH is to you.

It is good that you have such strong faith. You are an example to me, as I find my faith is weak sometimes.

Let us know how the Doctor's review goes.

wheresmy2lines said...

HEEELLLOOO!! Thanx for stopping by my blog! Ja a varicocele is kinda crappy. My DH had his done in May 2007 and his sperm was still the same for about a year and then all of a sudden it jumped from 20 mil to 107 mil, so not sure how that happened?? Hopefully the op will help your DH. Its apparently quite a painful op! Shame man xxx

PS I'll be stopping by from now on!

Anita said...

Thanks for posting Philippians 4:5.
It's definitly a verse I also need to be reminded of lately.

I think it's only natural to feel worried about DH - I imagine his tes.ticles look a little scary right now!

I hope the post-op appointment goes well and the Dr. helps ease your mind. Let us know how it goes...

notsofertilemyrtle said...

That quote from Phillippians is one of my favorites, too.

I spent a lot of time angry at God for my struggle, but found, like you, that prayer makes me feel so much better.

Keep the faith and happy ICLW!

Mary said...

How did the follow up go? Is everthing okay?